I've been off the bandwagon for over two months now

I just want to clarify to anyone who may be interested in trying Medifast--Medifast really works. The problem I struggle with, however, and have always struggled with, is compulsive overeating. I've struggled with overeating all my life. When I was younger, it didn't matter much because my metabolism and activity level was high. All hell broke loose once I tried to "check" my overeating tendencies.

Well...where do I go from here? My closing date for my new house is actually moved up to 12/20. I want to move into my new home slimmer and in control of what I'm trying to do. Once its just me, I'll have nobody to blame but myself for what I put into my mouth. I will go into seclusion and keep all sugars away.

Taken from Food for Thought, Daily Meditations For Overeaters:

For the compulsive overeater, there is always one primary choice to be made. Will I abstain or will I overeat? For us, there is nothing in between. If we have hundreds of pounds to lose or if we have reached and are maintaining our goal weight, the choice is still the same. It is the key decision we make many, many times each day

We are free at each moment to choose which we will do. There is no magic which will make us abstain, and there is no force which can compel us to swallow food we do not need. The choice is ours alone.

No one graduates from OA. There is no point at which one can say, "This is it. I've got it made now." We are always aware of the fact that we are compulsive overeaters and are always one bite away from a binge. When we remember that abstaining or overeating is our primary choice, then other decisions become easier. To abstain is to choose life. To overeat is to choose death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May I maintain constant awareness of my primary choice.

I really did fall off the skyscraper

I remember the first night when I decided to eat real food, despite my attempt to be full fast. The next morning, in my Daily Food Meditation guide, it said something to the effect of, "Once you cheat, you have effectually jumped off the roof of a skyscraper building. You may not hit the ground immediately, but you are surely on a downward spiral." The book could not have been more right. Over time, my cheats increased and increased--bringing back to the point of being completely and hopelessly out of control. I've been able to hold it down up to the 160 pt every now and then, then I eat out of control again. Who knows what I weigh now. I'm too afraid to find out. Today, I've had 2 RTD Vanilla shakes so far. They are so disgusting, but I'm hoping that someway, somehow, I can get through the day without cheating.

I'm so weak, I don't even question any food put before me--I just eat first and think about it later. I've let myself down. Next week was supposed to mark 5 months on the program--if I had stayed on plan, I might have been at or very close to my goal weight. Instead, I'm still in the unacceptable 160s. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry. I've lost control of my actions, it seems. I can't get myself to do anything--not even to workout anymore. The bike hasn't been used since that first day.

If I could only hurry up and move back to my own place. The mortgage company still has me up in the air--I'm worried sick about it. But once I move, I can control everything that comes into my home. I'll have no choice but to stay on plan. No car, no roommates, and, yes, it seems, no more real friends. I'll be left alone and with nothing but the shakes (literally, cuz it'll be cold and I'm not going to keep the house that warm).

But as for today, I'm taking it one shake at a time. I need a power greater than myself to keep me on track today...

It feels so good to be back

It is / was a nightmare. Up until early September, I was very much in control of my destiny. But then I voluntarily placed myself on an emotional rollercoaster---all because of a man. Now I see why the 12 step programs warn us to refrain from romantic relationships, etc. during recovery. During the weeks I've been gone from the blog, I was eating out of control. I actually returned to the 170s! I felt like all hope was gone....

Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.

So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.

Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.

One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!

I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.

The thoughts begin early in the day

And they continue to torment me until I give in. So far I'm on track. I ran like I planned, and I ate a Medifast supplement for breakfast. But I'm already getting cravings for something--anything--from wings to Subway. I will try my best to pray. That's all I can do now... depend on a Higher Power.

I'm completely out of control. Left unchecked, I would find my way back up to 210 and higher. I'm like a crack addict... Struggling through detox. How much easier this might be if I was in a maximum security hospital where Medifast was my only option for food. How will I get past this? At the very least, I want to lose 10 or so pounds before my birthday. Can I at least focus long enough to do that??? One can only hope...

Don't know if I'll ever get it together

Another day off Medifast. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it together. I say one thing, then do another. I'm lost. Planning to challenge myself up until my birthday by running every morning and staying full fast. My clothing size is around 10, and was getting smaller. I am slowly throwing it all away though. I'm scared and feel helpless. I'm not in control of my life.

The food downstairs

smells really good...

But I had to think long and hard before concluding that I really don't want to weigh in tomorrow at a higher weight than I am now. It's just not worth it to go on that emotional roller coaster again.

Back on track

Weighed in today at 156.5. What a pleasant surprise. I hope the 2 lbs a day trend continues. I'm so grateful to have made it this far. It's so hard getting back on after failing. Let's see how much I can lose between now and my birthday (which is 24 days away!).

back to 158.5

I've been extremely sore all weekend because I reorganized my room all by myself--didn't have the patience to wait for help. I also jogged on Saturday and Sunday. So when I woke up this morning, I noticed that my rings were tight on my fingers and I figured I gained weight. But the scale said 158.5, 2 lbs down. Today I decided to take it easy. My body needs to heal, seriously.

Cleaned my act up, although I had a close call today

Any food addict or person trying to lose weight knows the panicked and confused feeling you get when you're out with people and someone brings up the brilliant idea to go and get something to eat. Well, I might have been too weak to save myself, but luckily others were too busy to take part. So now I'm back home, in the safety of my room, and holding on, hour by hour. Today is my second day. I was off track the whole time since my last entry.

What happened was, yesterday, I was going to avoid weighing in, and I was going to just go ahead and eat "normally" (binge) for the weekend, and then start all over on Monday. But I became really curious about my weight, and braced myself for what I thought would be a number at or close to 170. To my shock and amazement, the scale read 161. That was all that was needed to get me back on track. The knowledge that all is really not lost. I truly felt fat, but my gain was only 4 lbs. I can lose that by the end of next week, I'm sure.

So here I am, September truly was a waste. But it was a learning experience. I am really behind now, but it's OK. At least I'll keep moving forward.

Fat and on the wrong track

Third day of outright lies to myself. Every day this week, I've told myself that I will be 100% full fast. And everyday this week, I've been a 100% glutton. I feel the same shame and heartache that I felt a couple months ago. I'm a failure. I'm actually embarassed about going out again. I couldn't even bring myself to weigh in today. Was it really just last week when I was weighing 157? It seems like so long ago... Like a previous lifetime...

I think the problem is that I should have taken my fat lazy @ss out running like I planned to for the past 5 days. I talk myself out of it each time and I guess that opens the door for me to disregard everything else I plan in regards to my fitness and wellbeing.

I have to get back on track. I'm inching up towards 170. That is not a good look for me. I really blew it. I'll never be able to meet Tim, and I don't think I want to anymore. Not after this. I wish I could just take off work and everything until I straightened this situation out. I'm sinking fast. I'm not in control of my actions, or at least it doesn't seem that way. All the time I thought I was outsmarting my food addiction, "it" was lying back, laughing, and I guess waiting for the opportunity to send me crashing down. It is stronger than me, obviously. I start to think and talk myself into cheating early in the morning. It grates on me and grates on me, and while I'm thinking about doing it, the disease tells me, "It won't be bad, just get back on track tomorrow. You need a break..." But the feelings I get afterward make the whole inexperience simple not worth it. I hate the way I'm feeling right now: Fat and on the wrong track.

Well, dammitt, if I'm going to be eating like a pig I need to at least get up and exercise in the morning!!

Sincerely,
Disgusted in Atlanta

Trying Again...

The Ready To Drink shakes arrived last night. I also ordered soup that came as well. I'm sipping it now, and as I suspected, it's going to take a while to get used to. It doesn't have the thick, shake like texture that I prefer, and it is in one of my least favorite flavors.

Yesterday didn't go so well. I missed my 4:30pm shake, and then I immediately began to have thoughts about the food waiting at home. So it was a premeditated cheat.

I'm at 164. I'm a month behind, for sure. I really let myself down. No matter which way you look at it. I'm so sad.

I'm going full fast today, but I can't trust myself 100%. Who knows what today will bring? I'm turning 25 shortly and I still look a mess. I pray that God give me the strength to keep going.

A really bad weekend

I only managed to do 2 actual days on Stillman. The other 3 days were sort of "anything goes." I ate everything under the sun. Weighed in today at 164.5. My heart weeps knowing that this entire month was wasted. Ironically, had I stuck to full fast, I probably would have been at or near the 140s... and able to meet the guy I was so worried about. Did anxiety and fear of him cause this? Or was it the frequent stalls from earlier in the month that pushed me over the edge? I don't really know, or care; all I care about right now is moving forward.

I'm up pretty early in the morning, making a CD to run to. I'm so glad I ordered the Ready To Drink Medifast shakes. They should be here today, then I can start using them tomorrow--no matter what the taste. If they're disgusting, oh well. I'm just tired of spending so much time in the morning making shakes.

I'm very scared. I keep praying to God because I know how enthusiastically my alter ego is about screwing up my life and everything I've worked for. I've gained about 8 lbs from my lowest Medifast weight. My saboteur is hard at work now. I really need support. This is a matter of life or death though. I will probably return to Stillman but only after I've put this eating bug in check for a while. I'd say, one/two weeks.

Back to August 30 weight

I looked at my stats. I weighed 162 on August 30. That means I've made no progress all month, pretty much. I'm not leaving this house all weekend. I'll stay in forever if I have to. This month was horrific for me... An entire month wasted. I'm ashamed of myself, but hoping to get back on track soon. I have 26 days to lose 20 lbs so I can be at the same weight Oprah was at after she did Optifast for 4 months. I was doing so well...

Hopefully the Stillman plan will get me back on track. It's hard to imagine going back to the shakes fully after eating food. I think I'll try Stillman for as long as it works I guess...

up 5 lbs

From my lowest *recent* weight of 157. I decided to go ahead and do the Stillman plan until I get at or near 140. I change my mind constantly. I just had 4.5 slices of turkey, with 0 carbs. I'm going to try to keep the calorie count the same as what I did on the fast, and also continue with the 5 meals/day, every 3 to 4 hrs. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I guess I'll play around with it when I get into ketosis to see what approach is better. So far so good... the guilt is not killing me as much anymore. I was going to run this morning but got lazy. Hey, the weight will come off regardless so why should I stress myself out. I'm on a low calorie diet. One thing I have to make sure to do now is up my water intake to 80. I'm sure on most days I did 80 anyway, but the Stillman diet instructions insist that 80 oz is the minimum.

Panicking

I'm panicking right now. I'm wondering how far this eating spree I went on yesterday will set me back. I feel disrupted down to the very core. I still feel the food I ate lingering around. I took a laxative which I don't think is even going to work. Nevertheless, I don't want to go running yet because I'm not sure what will end up happening.

I never want to feel like this again. I will do the shakes today, since it will be a busy day for me. When I'm done with work tonight, I will cook and grill up the food I will eat for the next couple days. I forgot to get the sandwich bags, which make it easy for me to separate the foods and what not. To make it so bad, I felt my clothes melting off of me yesterday. It was as if I was losing inches as the day went by. There's no telling how far yesterday's actions will set me back.

Once again, I have to forgive myself or there is no way for me to move on. My journey is nowhere near over, and everything I do is a learning experience. I now know better than to just keep eating for eating sake. I was actually full, but I kept pushing myself to eat simply because I wanted to "get it all in" before resuming plan 100%. That is unacceptable and childish.

I'm pretty much accepting that I'm probably around 165 right now. Don't think I want to get on the scale and confirm it though. I just needed to express my feelings, which are really low at this point...

I probably weigh...

Close to 165 right now. I ate all day long. Non stop. Pure carbs. Also, I'm a hypocrite. Went back on my word about staying away from sweets. Turns out, the more you eat, the more cravings you get for sugar. I learned something new.

But tomorrow, I think I'm going to go ahead and start on Stillman. I'm really ready for something different. I think I'm going to enjoy grilling the different meats and eating them. I'm really scared of what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm ready to take it like a woman!!

Not so good

Yesterday evening, I lost it again. I don't know if it was the constant undermining of my program by others or stress, or the fact that I broke my promise to myself and talked to Tim again. Whatever it was, I ended up finishing up the Medifast bars (3), 2 packs of Medifast crackers, a little bit of corn beef, and a few ounces of ham. Woke up this morning to a 2 lb weight gain, but that's not it. I started off today with ham, and I'm planning a wing escapade. I'm just so stressed. I think I need to try something new, yet I ordered over 300 dollars worth of product yesterday (270 ready to drinks!!). The 270 ready to drinks should last about 3 months since I usually only drink 3 shakes a day, and do soups for the other two meals. My mom is already trying to buy them from me though. Maybe I'll just get her to order her own so we can both take advantage of the sale.

Yeah, but what I was thinking about was doing a 0-carb week to break the monotony of the shakes and this horrible plateau. All lean chicken & fish, with no fat. I cannot stay on plan these days. I'm extremely bored... My attention span is very short, and it's mind boggling to think that I've stayed on plan for this long... I've been on this plan for 95 days, 12 of those days included food, the rest, full fast... I feel as though it might be time for me to move on.... Not sure what to do now...

Updated: Actually, I've made up my mind. Today I will splurge a little, then I will do 1 to 2 weeks of the Stillman Diet (plateau buster). Then I will ease my way back onto the Medifast plan. I will go shopping for the food tonight. Hopefully this isn't the nail that seals my coffin. LOL. On second thought, maybe I can do 3 more days of Medifast (Friday, Sat, Sun) to get back into ketosis and take off the excess weight, then, begin Stillman on Monday? I'm trying to figure out what will give me the maximum loss... Something to think about, because if I jump into Stillman tomorrow, then I might lose some ground in that I didn't have the benefit of starting at a smaller weight? If that makes much sense... We'll see!

In other news... I may not have changed much when it comes to overeating and self sabotoge, but one thing that I've truly changed in (at least for now) is my desire for sugary treats and snacks. I'm no longer interested. The things I want to splurge on are low carb meats, etc. Maybe it's because the shakes had the right amount of sugar to keep me balanced... I'm not sure. All I know is, the thought of buying a nice slice of (fill in the blank) and eating it is pretty much in the same category as eating rat poisoning right now. I hate what it does to me emotionally and physically. Right now, I feel as though I could give those desserts up for life. They're just not worth it.

Yet Another Update... OK, I just did some calculations and see that my period is coming next week! It was just here, was it not?! So that throws a major wrench in my plans. I must abort this mission, and postpone... Full fast until my period goes away. Another benefit to waiting is to squeeze out as much of the effectiveness of Medifast before switching temporarily. The Medifast program has really run out of steam. I bet I'll still be the same weight two weeks from now.

157

Actually, the two week trial I committed to is turning out to be perfect in keeping me focused. I know I can do anything for two weeks. I know I can be cheat free for two weeks. The key is, to avoid people who trigger my cravings and/or annoy me. Hopefully when the two weeks are up I'll be able to convince myself to go for another two weeks.

I actually got up and ran today. That was good, although I had nowhere near the amount of endurance I had last time I ran. Yep, the carbs are all gone! That's for sure. I should be in ketosis now.

In my Food Addicts book, it mentioned that food addicts are advised not to weigh in more than once a month. Well, once a month might be too hard for me, but how does once a week sound? That's hard enough. If I can get to the "weigh once a week" point, maybe I can eventually up it to two weeks, three weeks, and then a month. That doesn't seem very likely though. Today I'm looking good. I'm fitting back into some old clothes. Not looking quite as good as I did back then, but getting damned close!

157.5

Lost 1.5 lbs yesterday. I have a feeling this will be a great week. I was torn on whether or not to exercise this morning. I found out I have to leave a lot earlier than usual. I'm also really desperate to see major losses on the scale. I think I'll play it by ear. Little or no loss tomorrow? I'll run again. Major loss again? I won't. It sounds ridiculous but that is the point I'm at now!

Those bars are trouble!

Today I weighed in at 159. So basically, I haven't really progressed in over two weeks. That's fine. Everyone needs a break sometime, although I sure picked the worst timing. I want this weight off NOW!! So out goes the games, and in comes seriousness.

One of the driving forces in my cheats of late have been the Medifast Chocolate Bars--- Peanut Butter and I think Chocolate. I've had 2, sometimes 3 at a time. I have to try to resist the bars. No, I MUST resist the bars. The temptation is always there because the bars are officially allowed (one per day). The problem is, when I use that reasoning, things always spiral out of control.

Yes, the bars are allowed but apparently I'm not strong enough to leave it at just one. I end up eating the bar, then to make it so bad, I actually begin eating other stuff too! I have to promise myself that if I ever get too close to the bars, that I will throw them away. Even though they aren't mine! LOL

So, if I know what's good for me, and I truly want to remain on plan... I have to give up the bars. Indefinitely. That's just the way it goes. Those bars are no different than pure carbs for me.

Update: Well, it's almost 6pm and I'm still maintaining control. Today was very unproductive for me, in all other aspects of my life. Thoughts of dieting and losing weight dominate me. I can't focus on anything else. The bottom line is, I have to overcome this problem. It's taken up too much of my life already. I'm ready to put it behind me. Everytime I go downstairs, my resolve towards this program is put in jeopardy. I really am weak, yet I know I must continue if I want to keep losing weight. I need to lost at least 20 more pounds before I can afford to slack off and play games. Lord, please help me to do that.

What I really would like to do is put my all into the program, at least for the next two weeks. If I am still stalled at that point I may look into other options. So on with the two week trial...

Things are looking up

Today I got up early and ran as planned. I was actually able to run for 15 minutes straight, I guess from all the readily available carbs I have floating around my body.

Then I went to church, and I think I looked pretty cute! I've been full fast the entire day, despite barbecue floating around. I keep track of the days when I'm full fast, and not full fast. Turns out that this week, I ate food literally every other day. My full fast rate was 57% so technically I did win the battle of the bulge for the week, barely.

Hopefully I can keep up the running for the next two weeks. I'm sure that would make a HUGE difference in my body appearance, even if my weight stays the same. I feel much more positive today. Glad to have made it through. I almost ended up being forced to go to a restaurant today after church but luckily the guys had the NFL on their mind. So I was saved by football. Ciao!

Forgiveness

I'm sitting here thinking...

It's funny how some people around me are now encouraging me to eat. My mother actually had the nerve to tell me that I had lost enough and didn't need to lose any more (keep in mind I'm about 5'1", and weighing about 160 pounds!!). Another friend decided that I needed to get medical attention ASAP, because losing 50 lbs so quickly was simply not safe for my heart. Nevermind that I'm 24 in almost perfect health. I'm sure gaining 70 lbs in less than 2 years was OK, and I should have kept it that way?! Yet, these are the same people who couldn't resist informing me about how fat I was getting when I tipped the scales at over 200 pounds.

The bottom line is, I'm all I have. The only person I can depend on to look out for my best interest is myself. With such characters swarming around, its not surprising that I would slip every now and then. I'm not making excuses for myself, because my behavior of late has been unacceptable. But what I'm trying to do, is to forgive myself. I made a mistake. I'm not perfect. Being upset and feeling hopeless will make it that much harder to get back on track. I'm going to dust myself off, get back up, and keep going. I forgive myself.

Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early and run. I'll try to do that every day this week, but oh well if I don't. I'm not going to keep beating up on myself. I think I've done an excellent job so far. It's going to be OK. This is not a crisis... it will only be one if I make it into one. I can get back on track. Whatever happens, I cannot and will not conduct myself the way Oprah did. This is not the end. This is just life.

heading towards rock bottom

I hope I can stop the plummet here. I'm like hanging on to the balcony for dear life. I'm on a downward spiral, that's for sure. Let's see, I've cheated just about every other day this week. Why? Why when I'm so close to where I'm going?

True, I had a very bad week... Got chewed out by the boss, and basically have to ignore the feelings I have for someone. I just don't want to gain all the weight back. I feel devastated. I've been at this place before... I'm desperate. How in the world am I going to stay on plan? I can't trust myself! Tonight I actually ordered food and had it delivered to my place. I should have never broke Golden Rule #3(never eat food in the home). This situation is out of control now. The only thing that can stop me now is divine intervention, because I have become powerless again. It's mind boggling to think that I would jeopardize my progress like this, after all I've been through.

If I was looking at myself from an outside viewpoint, I would definitely wonder what was so hard about getting back on plan. Maybe I can try that tomorrow--to conduct myself based on the advice I would give someone else in my situation. REally, the solution is very simple--GET BACK ON PLAN!! What is wrong with me???? Do I have to get my jaws wired shut?? Take hunger suppressants? Anti depressants? What??!!! This has GOT to stop!!!

OK, I'll try this again. I don't want to get to the point where my word is completely meaningless in my eyes. I want to be able to make plans, and know that I will carry through. Tomorrow is a new day (I'm actually in tomorrow right now, but then that would mean I've already cheated for the day, so for my purposes I will still consider now Saturday). Tomorrow I won't give in so easily. I will duke it out with the devil next time. He is trying to steal my joy-- I can't let that happen. I'm already beginning to feel bad about myself. Tomorrow, 5 supplements, no excuses. NO EXCUSES!!! The worst part about all of this is that the food wasn't even that good! It NEVER is....

I made it through yesterday

Despite being offered some of my favorite food. I rejected the food, and continued on plan, 100%. I'm not at home now, I'm at my friend's house. Actually, I'm a little pissed off at this situtation. He invites me over to spend the weekend. I didn't want to but he insists. Then he tells me that he is taking part in a Cards Tournament today, so basically, because I didn't feel like waking up early, I'm going to be stuck here all day. Alone. Unless I leave of course, but there is nowhere to go that I know of. Maybe I'll check out some nearby stores. Oh well, at least there is nothing in this apartment for me to eat. Refrigerator and cabinets are completely empty...

Looking back...

I think I'm starting to understand why I've fallen off balance mentally...

For weeks, I lived in a dream world. Just imagining myself with the perfect man, at the perfect weight. I literally day dreamed all day long. Didn't really participate in the real world much. So, when I crossed that line and met this guy who seemed like the man of my dreams, I was yanked out of my fantasy world, into the real world. The real world, where I was not thin and beautiful--but fat! I need to get back to the point where I'm envisioning myself thin so because it pushes me to take the program seriously.

Taking it one hour/meal at a time today

My friend wants me to spend the weekend with him but I'm not sure if that's a good idea since my standing on this plan is very shaky. I'd have to pack up a bunch of shakes but it still makes me nervous to be away. Today will make or break me. I have to get clean, for at least a week. I didn't weigh in today, though I was really tempted to. I just don't want to start the yo yo cycle of weighing in, getting depressed, then eating.

I've still lost at least 48 lbs I'm sure. That's nothing to scoff at. I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep on moving. I don't need to get all scared now. I've come too far to turn back. The only person I'm making a promise to now is myself.

This plan is for me... nobody else...

really low

I survived yesterday, but I found it to be very hard.

I survived today... until later in the evening. It all went downhill when I ate a Medifast bar. From that point, I had two more. Then I ate crackers, then I ate ham. I was totally out of control. I broke the promise I made to God. I guess it was just too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do now. I feel out of control.

A New Beginning

I ended up eating even more last night. I weighed in today at 160.5. I was out of control, but it was with the Medifast supplements mainly. I stole two packets of my mom's crackers, and one of her candy bars. LOL. Then I snuck a piece of garlic bread (it was nasty). Later, I began to think, why do I not even take a moment to think before I fly into those hungry rages? Well, the problem is that I don't do a good job of building up my resolve and my faith beforehand. If you don't take the time to meditate and reflect, then that store of courage will be unavailable to you when you need it most.

Today marks a new beginning for me, I am recommitting myself to the Medifast program, because somewhere down the line, I veered off track. Before starting this plan, I came across the site, Freedom You Compulsive Eating, Thirty Days To Freedom. The message in that article is so profound that I planned to incorporate it into my Medifast program. I never really did though. I never made a firm committment to God to do this program to the best of my ability.

Well, today I am making that commitment to God. I am not afraid. I believe in myself, and I believe that I can do it.

I commit the below plan to God:
1) I will eat only the soups/shakes and water. Diet drinks will be consumed no more than once a week.
2) I will drink 64 ounces of water, as early in the day as possible, and I will finish in time to add about 20 more ounces. To stay on track, drink at least 16 ounces with each meal
3) I will run/walk at least 2 times a week. Choose regular days
4) I will weigh in on Mondays (only)
5) I will do quiet hour first thing in the morning
6) During weakest moments, pray first, and journal
7) The only exception to the above rules will be on October 29, my birthday

much needed perspective

An unlikely source of encouragement-- my dad! He said not to worry about the scale. He said the weight is dropping and that people usually quit not realizing that a big loss was about to come. Well... something like that, but I got the message. It's a good thing because I really felt like I was at an impasse, and seriously did not know what to do. I thought about quitting. I was that disappointed.

Unfortunately, I ended up cheating anyway because like I said, we had a little get together for my dad's birthday. I refrained from carbs, only eating the barbecue chicken. It was OK. The main thing is for me to stay away from sugar/carbs.

I think I have the motivation now to continue, no matter what. I think I'll endulge in some low carb stuff later tonight, but starting tomorrow and onwards, full fast only. Time to get back in focus. I have to constantly remind myself of why I'm doing this.

Now, I would have preferred to write this next part in my other journal, but that site has been down for days. Today will be tough for me because I've made up my mind to essentially eliminate all contact with Tim. Yes, it will be very hard, but I have plenty of other people to distract me. I don't want nor do I need the stress that the situation with him has brought into my life. The best thing for me to do is to move on, and if he's still available when I'm ready, then maybe I'll see about it then. If he's not, then oh well. By the time I get to my goal weight, I'll be looking so good that it won't even matter what the hell he's doing.

Back to 159.5

The only thing I did different was eat some of the Medifast crackers.

At a time like this, when shedding the last 15 lbs is so important to me... This stall is mind boggling. Does my body believe that 140 or so is my goal weight? Because it's not! My goal weight is 120, and that means I still have about 40 lbs to lose. Why my losses would slow down so suddenly, for the past 3 weeks, is just confusing.

Not sure what to do now. Today, we have a surprise little get together for my father. I guess after I'm done typing this I will also throw together my 60 Days Notice To Vacate my apartment in Buckhead. Am I doing the right thing? Who knows? The price is pretty much unbeatable, but I found myself bored living there. I'm signing the place over to my sister (hopefully).

My sister began the Quick Weight Loss program last week. I looked at the meal plan, and asked her why she didn't just do low carb. That's essentially what the program is--low carb! But I hope she does well.

Again, I'm very frustrated. This stall could continue throughout this week. Then what? I need this weight gone, like yesterday! I guess it doesn't matter anymore, anyway. I spoke to Tim last night and he revealed another, more conceited side. He admitted that he has a lot of female friends, yet he insists that he is a faithful, loyal guy. As a scorpio, I think I'd be too paranoid to accept that. Perhaps we're better off just friends. If I wasn't fat now, I probably would have met him by now and it would have been too late.

My Body Listened to Me

Today marks the beginning of my 13th week. I have 12 weeks under my belt, and my grand loss is 51.5 pounds. I'm now 158.5, and I'm hoping for at least 10 lbs gone within the next two weeks. Nothing else matters to me.

I still wonder if the workouts might be causing stalls. 10 lbs lost in the past 4 weeks, which is only about 2.5 lbs a week. I'll stop the workouts and see what happens. Although, losing inches isn't bad either.

I think my weight loss might also become adversely affected by this obsession I have with that guy. I thought about him all day yesterday, but I called and accepted calls from my other friends to distract me.

confused and sad

Well, luckily I'm talking to a friend right now who is encouraging me not to feel bad.

Yesterday, I did all the right things. I worked out for nearly 45 minutes, and I stayed full fast.

Today, I weighed in--first at 162. I stepped on the scale again two more times, in shock, until it finally read 161.5 (third try).

What did I do wrong? Was it the cheat from the night before? Was it the unusually long workout? Did I not drink enough water? I know the cheat from Friday couldn't have been that bad. Traditionally, I only gain 1 lb, and then lose it + an extra .5 to 1.5 lbs the next day.

I'm praying for a major loss next week. I might not even be able to say that I lost 50 lbs in 12 weeks (the completion of today will mark 12 weeks).

Much needed motivation and encouragement

Last night, my friend and I decided to dress up all cute and go out. We were going to go to a club, but the cover charge was too high. So we went to a sports bar instead. I was pleasantly surprised at the attention I received from the men. I'm on my way! I'm so happy.

Like I said, last night I slipped up and at some food. This morning, I was resolved to working out. Got a 43 minute walk/run session. Worked out with my friend. She's in much better shape than I am so that pushed me a little harder. I was so exhausted when I came back.

This morning I woke up feeling as if I'd lost 5 lbs, but I didn't weigh in (why spoil the delusion?). I think this upcoming week my put me back in the game!

Failed again

Very bad day... so bad, I was sure I'd be fired.

Came home. Saw pizza on the counter. Grabbed two slices. Made wings.

I'm here feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could meet Tim but I'm still too fat. Why can't 20 pounds magically melt off?

I'm going to get out tonight, but it's going to be with a female friend. My hair is a mess. I'm sad.

Frustrated? Yeah...

Weighed in today at 160. Oh well, only a half pound difference-- BUT IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!!!

Seems like when I really need to lose this weight the most, everything stops working! Next week better be a 10 lb loss. Dammitt!

Stuck at 159.5

For past few days... Slightly frustrated, but it is that time of month so I won't get too upset. I really have a crush on that guy now... I couldn't stay away. He seems like such a sweetheart. He is OK with waiting to meet me.

159.5!

The 160s finally let me go... Despite me adding food for the past two days... Despite my period arriving. I was going to avoid weighing in until next Monday. So glad to be out the 160s but I won't weigh in tomorrow simply because my weight may be due to me staying up virtually all night long (till around 4am, now it's 7:51am). I'll give my body the chance to really catch up with itself and hopefully see even more loss next time. So excited!

Laying Blame vs Personal Responsibility

OK, this situation has me a bit irritated. I feel like I just had a grease patty or something. I go downstairs, innocently, to make my shake, and there is a bunch of grilled food sitting on the countertop, within my path, within my reach. I was caught completely off guard.

Now who is to blame?

Well, I'm the one who ate the food... But would it hurt the people around me to show just a little compassion? Am I going through this alone?

broke two golden rules... blew it

I'm eating again, real food, for the second day in a row.

Both situations are the result of me not having my shakes/soups already made when they're needed (Golden Rule #1). Golden Rule #2- Never screw up two days in a row.

This is why I don't need to introduce men into my life right now. It just throws everything off track.

...In comes the guilt. I feel like throwing up. How could I be so weak? I didn't even take the time to even try to resist... No prayer, no shout for support. That is not the way its supposed to be. I'm just an emotional mess right now.

Nothing new to report

Except... this morning I was walking around the neighborhood and passed by an **extremely attractive** guy who was also working out. It was so unexpected that I had to look down immediately after waving "Hello." I should have checked out his ring finger!

160s LET ME GO DAMMITT!

OK, I just got through looking at my stats and I see very clearly that the 160s really love me or something. Twice, while in the 160s, I've lost next to nothing while doing the full fast 100%! Hopefully next week will treat me as well as the week following the last time I lost nothing. I'd love to be at 156 come the end of next week. Something tells me that won't happen since "Aunt Flo" will be arriving in town. GRRRRR!!! FRUSTRATION... Yet, through the frustration, I still retain the common sense to understand that the weight I have lost is still a major blessing.

getting sloppy

At one point earlier in the week, I weighed in at 161. Then I gained and settled in at 162 all week long. Frustrated, I continued on plan, until Thursday, when I finally succumbed to the wings. They tasted awful, but I kept eating. I think I ate a total of 9. Then went on full fast the next two days. Then on Sunday (today), I had the wings again (about 7 this time).

I was just so hoping to get into the 150s this week. I guess I shouldn't expect so much, all it does is set me up for major disappointment. From this point on, I'm going to try my best but get rid of all expectations. It's crucial that I continue.

I decided to let that guy go. I don't want to feel like I have to rush to meet some deadline just for him. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but what other choice do I have. I already lied, now I must move on. I've been thinking about him and that situation a lot but I think the more I hang out with friends and enjoy myself the easier it will be for me to move on.

Pressure.

Earlier this year, I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for about 3 years. He wasn't really my type, and the relationship should have ended a long time ago. Anyway, my plan was to just avoid dating until I took care of some things (i.e., my weight, etc.) just so I could get to where I had to go and not be distracted.

Anyway, I was on AIM the other day when a pop up came on about the top ten cities for singles. I was curious and it led me to a site called love.com. I browsed the site and saw the most adorable guy! I couldn't help but IM him. We talked and we got along fine. But here is the thing, I showed him my online photo album which had pictures of me at a weight of 145. He really liked them, thought I was cute and everything. Over the next few days, we talked more and more. Then, he asked for my number and I gave him it (stupid me). I'm so intrigued by this guy for some reason, but the problem is, I am living a lie. I have to lose 20 more pounds to get down to the size I was in those pictures. It's so stressful. Maybe it'll keep me on track, maybe it won't. I think maybe I'll try to jog every day for like a week or two and maybe I can quickly get the weight off that way. It sucks because this guy really seems to be my type, but theres no way I can meet him like this!!

On a side note... I may just avoid AIM and him completely. He is a Gemini, and I am a Scorpio. By all indications, that is a match made in hell.

48 lbs gone in 70 days...

Sometimes I get frustrated because I want the weight to disappear, like, yesterday. But I am so grateful to have found a program that I have been able to stay on for this long. I'm at 162 now, and I am so happy with each lost pound that takes me further away from my horrifying highest weight.

This year will prove to be one of my most successful years (in all aspects of my life) EVER! A little elaboration... I am 24 years old, right? Well, for years I had a phobia of driving. That fear crippled my ability to be independent. Well, within the past couple months I've learned to drive! Everytime I'm on the road, driving down the interstate, I'm just floored about how far I've come. I ask myself, why didn't I do this before?? What took me so long?? Well, everything in life has it's proper time. I truly feel as if it's a miracle everytime I'm on the road.

This year is also the year that I finally stopped playing around and graduated from college. I've flip flopped about, changing my major 3 times. Now I'm considering graduate school. I also got a great little research job I'm doing, for a pretty nice salary.

Finally, this is the year that will mark my true transition into womanhood-- I'm turning 25. I face it with dread, but with the determination to get my life together as much as possible before then. I think that the age thing is what has driven me to finally get certain things done. I really don't want to carry that baggage into 2005 or the age of 25.

In short, I've been blessed so much. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it. Sometimes I'm not as grateful as I should be (i.e., don't appreciate my job, or the fact that I live a very comfortable life).

This plan is slowly opening my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really am.

163 POUNDS! 47 POUNDS GONE!

I woke up this morning, hoping to see somewhat of a loss, and to my surprise and delight, the scale read 2 lbs less than yesterday. I am thrilled. I want to run but I'm up much later than usual. Also, I kind of stretched out my hip on the left side. So maybe some light walking.

So far I've lost 5 lbs this week. I was so worried about the slow lost last week but it definitely has picked up. I'm glad I stayed true to the program. EVERY DAY this week I have been tempted and torn beyond belief. Thank you God for helping me through this.

Weight Loss Stats

06/21/2004 - 210
07/11/2004 - 186
07/13/2004 - 184
07/17/2004 - 184.5
07/18/2004 - 184.5
07/19/2004 - 183
07/23/2004 - 180
07/24/2004 - 181
07/25/2004 - 179.5
07/26/2004 - 180.5
07/28/2004 - 178
07/29/2004 - 178.5
07/30/2004 - 178
08/01/2004 - 177
08/02/2004 - 176
08/03/2004 - 175.5
08/04/2004 - 175
08/05/2004 - 174.5
08/06/2004 - 174
08/07/2004 - 174
08/08/2004 - 172.5
08/09/2004 - 173
08/10/2004 - 172
08/11/2004 - 170.5
08/12/2004 - 170.5
08/13/2004 - 170.5
08/15/2004 - 171
08/16/2004 - 168.5
08/21/2004 - 167.5
08/22/2004 - 168.5 --WTF???
08/23/2004 - 168 -- I'll take it!
08/24/2004 - 167 -- Now we're talking
08/25/2004 - 167 -- Annoyed
08/26/2004 - 166 -- Relief
08/27/2004 - 165 -- Encouraged and motivated
08/28/2004 - 163 -- Thrilled! 4 more and I'll be below 160!
08/30/2004 - 162
09/07/2004 - 159.5
09/10/2004 - 160
09/12/2004 - 161.5
09/13/2004 - 158.5
09/14/2004 - 159.5
09/20/2004 - 159

Half way there!!

Today I weighed in at 165. I've lost exactly 45 pounds, and I need to lose another 45 pounds to get to my goal weight. I'm very encouraged. I've been doing very light running in the morning for the past few days. When I say light, I mean, 20 minutes of running/walking (less than 10 minutes of actually running). As long as I see a loss on the scale I will do it. If I don't see a loss on the scale then I don't do it. Makes sense right? Not!

On A Side Note...

I was thinking about it today...

After reading some of my prior entries, I realized that some of my rants reek of... well... pure ungratefulness.

I am SO VERY GRATEFUL to have lost 44 pounds!!! A little over 2 months ago, I was faced with the horrifying task of having to lose 90 pounds! The weight of it all blew my mind-- it was mind boggling and overwhelming. Now I have lost virtually half of that, and only have 20 or so to go to become extremely comfortable in my size.

My ultimate goal of 120 pounds will just be icing on the cake. I believe that weight will be me at my very best. A weight of 145-140 is not bad on me but it's not me at my best.

I need to remember to show gratitude because my blessings can easily be taken away.

Gee... writing here is so therapeutic...

What's *Really* Wrong?

I'm not going to lie, these past few days have been very hard!

The temptation is unreal. Let me explain, my roommates always get a huge bag of frozen cooked Buffalo Wings from Sams and keep them in the freezer. But nobody eats them, and the wings haunt me just about every night. It's difficult, but for now my plan is to go walking/running once I get to the edge.

I've never had this much of a problem resisting. I think what needs to happen is that I need to make a firm decision, one way or another, of what exactly I plan to do. Am I going to go 100% or not? If I'm going to go 100%, then this foolishness with the chicken needs to stop!

So... that's it. I must make a decision....

And my decision is----- NOT TODAY! Is that firm enough? Not really when it comes to tomorrow, but for today it is. This chicken will always be around. In fact, once I reach my goal weight, I'll be eating much more chicken than I'll care to since I'll be low carbing and all. The chicken is not going anywhere... Those wings will still be around, even when I'm long gone. I need to move on and stop with this crap. I have so much work to do. Don't have time for this.

OK... OK... so I took a few peeks

Remember my pledge not to weigh in until the 12 week mark?

Well, I've dishonored that pledge several times. I've weighed in every day since. I'm now at 166.

Struggling

Tonight I was really close to just making some buffalo wings--telling myself that I would be doing some sort of modified plan. In the last moments before heading downstairs to make the chicken, I uttered a desperate, half hearted prayer, then decided to go walking/running instead.

Now I'm somewhat back on track. I know once I start nibbling on food in my home that I will be on a slippery slope that I may not be able to get off of. I still have such a long way to go (47 pounds). At least its not 90 anymore :-)

Today I was wondering whether all of this fasting stuff is even necessary. I've heard that some people actually lose more weight when they include food. For some odd reason though, I always put on a pound.I wonder if I went really low carb if I could lose more weight that way??

I need to pick up momentum! I still have a ways to go. Should I keep on Medifast and assume the weight will come off? Or should I jump ship now?

Killing Time

Every now and then I forget about this ridiculous plan I'm on, and I start to focus on other things...

But oh... when I do remember what I'm doing... I get a feeling like I'm just killing time until I reach my goal. I read all the messages and posts from other fasters-- hoping to achieve the same results that so many others have.

I couldn't resist today.. I ended up weighing in today despite my prayers and my promise that I would not. Weighed in at 167. I need some distractions...

Humbling

Well, as I said yesterday, I had a mere half a pound loss during my 9th week on the program. It was very humbling, but the one good thing that came from it was that it caused me to put things in perspective.

I will not weigh in again until 9/14/04, which will mark the end of 12 weeks. I've just come to realize that NOTHING the scale could say today or tomorrow or the next day will be good enough. Whether it says 167.5 (which I already weighed on Saturday, or 167, which I feel I should have been at by Sunday).

Now if the scale still says 168 on 9/14, then me and Medifast will have some major problems.

9 weeks total

As I said last night, today is my final weigh in.

I was hoping to get a little boost, but that did not happen. I weighed in today at 168, making my total net weight loss for the week 0.5 lbs. I'm wondering if the Listerine strips might have caused this stall? I'm going to stop using them. Of course, I won't know whether me stopping is effective or not until my next weigh in which might be either next Monday or at the 12 week mark.

Actually...

I'm going to weigh in just one last time tomorrow morning because tomorrow marks the end of 9 weeks. But from then on... NO MORE!!!

Gotta Get Back to the Basics

Tonight I decided to go out, all by myself! Went to see that Exorcist movie... Pretty corny and left a bad taste in my mouth, similar to the way "Open Water" did yesterday.

Anyway, I decided to get "back to the basics." Somewhere down the line, I lost focus. This Medifast program is supposed to be a spiritual journey; a journey where I look inward and grow my relationship with God. It's not about me bitterly weighing in everyday, hoping to see another lost pound.

I'm going to pray really hard for the strength to leave the scale alone. This is pure physics folks. There is no way that one can be on a 450 calorie/day diet and not eventually shrink down to one's ideal size (and smaller). Give me a break! I need to give myself a break!

No more weighing in. I find that I've grown a little but not that much. It's time for me to do some deep thinking and figure out what it is I want from life. Everything will not be magically perfect when I finally reach my goal weight. I have to work on becoming the best person I can be... The Medifast can take care of my outside appearance, but a lot of work still needs to be done on the inside. I have a LOT of issues!

EXTREMELY frustrated

This is torture... I weighed in today... at 168.5!!! What the hell is going on? I can't live like this. Total weight loss this week so far? ZERO!!!

I did everything right yesterday!! Actually, my only crime was my failure to drink the full gallon of water. I tried but I just wasn't that thirsty. What should I do? Run again???

This is too much. I'm trying my best to do this program and I feel as though I'm wasting time. Hell, I could have eaten yesterday if I knew I'd gain a pound anyway!!

So angry and frustrated this morning...

Scale FINALLY budged...

I weighed in this morning at 167.5--making my total loss for this week a mere 1 lb. I don't believe the scale would have moved at all were it not for me running Thursday morning. I wish I could work out again today but I don't want to mess my hair up. I know... pretty silly excuse... but I'm serious!! Maybe I'll find something less sweat inducing to do.

Finished running

It went pretty well...
Walked 5 mins...

Alternated between 60 second jog and 90 second walk for 20 mins straight.

I feel great. Hopefully this will get the scale moving again.

I don't know when I'll get to run again though.

Weight stuck at 168.5

Resorting to semi-extreme measures--gonna run today!!

Don't know what else to do...

So I'll write here.

First off, I'm very sad and will continue to be for a while to come. I've made so many mistakes over the past year, and as a result of those mistakes, I find myself living a lie. I've had to lie to so many of my friends, loved ones and even my bosses at work. It just eats me up inside. Now I have to face the music and make some tough decisions, secretly, all the while trying to keep up my deception--at least for the next four months.

Lately I don't even feel like drinking the shakes. Yesterday I did have a slip up, but as usual, the food wasn't what I expected and I am back on Medifast today. As usual, the weight gain was one pound. I am now at 169.5. Tomorrow I will try to resume my running program to break away from the slow losses of late.

I've never been so fearful in my life. I'm afraid my lies will be discovered. I don't know what to do. Every now and then I think about coming clean, and admitting my failures. I can actually redeem myself if I could just get over my fear of people knowing.

Holding on tightly

The past few days were very disappointing for me--- I stayed at 170.5 for what seemed like days. Today I weighed in at 168.5. Today marks the completion of 8 weeks on the Medifast Plan. My total weight loss is 41.5 pounds!! Finally in the 160s. Hopefully I will not have gained by tomorrow.

Interesting results

Today I woke up and weighed in at 170.5 after taking the two Thermo Hydroxadrine pills yesterday evening. Usually when I lose 1.5 lbs in a single day, I end up gaining half a pound the next day. So we'll see if that trend continues. One thing I didn't expect was to feel so jittery. I see my body is no longer immune to those things. I was going to try to hunt down an extra supply of pills because I only have 100 as of this morning, and each serving is 3 (although I'm only taking two). But I decided that 100 is enough. Honestly, I shouldn't be taking these pills in the first place. I don't want to get off track completely. I just need to get into the 150s ASAP to feel more comfortable in my skin...that's all! These pills give so much energy that I know I'll have to incorporate exercise unless I plan to get really sick.

A new idea

It's funny how all over the place my mind is as the day goes by...

I decided to try a little experiment. Several months ago, I ordered Thermo Hydroxadrine (with Ephedra) that is basically a cheaper version of Xenadrine. I never finished the pills, and I"m wondering what would happen if I took the pills now within the confines of a very low calorie diet.

So I'm going to take low doses for like a week, and see what happens. Then when that slows down, I'll up the dose and maybe add exercise.

It would be wonderful if I could lose an extra 10 lbs quickly due to the pills.

I'll just see what happens.

Focused

I'm on Day 51... the second day of my 8th week on the Medifast program. It's simply unbelievable to me that I could be on a plan this long.

I've come to the realization that I have changed... Each day that goes by confirms it. I've been in several tight situations involving food... and I passed! I've moved on and kept going. My resolve is for real this time, I don't have to doubt myself anymore. I don't have to fear.

Yesterday I was thinking that I'd allow myself a modified meal or two when I get to 165 or 160. Right now I feel as if I could wait for 160...then again, why not 155?

I'm at 172 now. I've lost a total of 38 pounds. Is this type of weight loss possible on other plans? I'm sure of it. HOwever, for some reason, I just couldn't focus on those other plans. I always ended up eating/binging. That's how out of control I was.

Stepping away from food entirely was the best decision I ever made.

I'm so grateful to God for today. Now if I could only stop procrastinating and get to work!

Another day...

Something is bothering me, and now come to think of it, it may not even be this program. I've been feeling kind of sad--the only thing I do is look forward to the next weighing, hanging my entire self esteem/mood on the results of the weigh in. Yet there are a lot of troubling things going on in my life that I now have to deal with and that are more likely the cause of my restlessness. I ate 7 supplements yesterday instead of the regular 5. My weight? The same as yesterday.

this is so hard...

I'm lying here, desperate to maintain control, urging myself to move forward on the plan. Tonight I had six supplements instead of the usual five. I'm on shaky ground... I need to stay focused. Sometimes, a lot of times, I have good days. Other times, I find this plan to be extremely hard and unnatural. I miss food, I grieve for food. I grieve for the time when I would carelessly eat whatever I chose. Yet, I know that those were definitely not "the good ol' days." I was in hell. The proof is in writing. The proof is in the numbers on the scale. I'm in limbo, but at least I'm headed towards my goal. May God grant me the strength to carry on... I really need it.

Been losing half a pound a day...

Although I wish it would move faster, that averages to about 3.5 pounds a week. I'm wondering whether I should do some stretching exercises today or just chill... Weighed in today at 174---36 pounds lost in 47 days.

Kind of low...

Lately I've been putting a lot of thought into my maintenance plan, and I guess it has me feeling kind of down because I have such a long way to go. At the very least, I have to lose 35 pounds to get to a more comfortable size. All I do is drink shakes. Its kind of depressing. I wish I could eat like other people eat.

I have been very unproductive all week. When I get home, I think I'm just going to go to sleep and watch TV. That's all I can do until this weight comes off. Going out only reminds me of what I'm missing.

nevermind...

I woke up this morning and thought to myself..."There is no way in hell that I'm going to get up out of this bed and go running..." And with that, my pledge to run every day came to an abrupt end. Truth is, I should have stuck to the 5K training program but I guess I can resume that at any time. The thing that really kept me from running today is I went against my other pledge not to weigh, and when I saw that I had only lost half a pound, I decided that it was not worth it to be sore from overdoing it. I'll see what the scale says tomorrow and then I might retry my challenge or go back to the more moderate training program.

Working out to (hopefully) accelerate loss

I noticed a definite slow down in my weight loss. One day I even noticed a half pound gain although I did nothing wrong. So I've started working out, training to run 5K. During the period since starting I've lost 2 pounds, but right now its unclear whether that is due to the Medifast or the working out, or whether I would have lost more without the working out. Either way, in my heart I know that working out ultimately will help and not hurt me. Also, I've grown accustomed to the Medifast soup. I can't get enough of it now, but I am dutifully restricting it to twice a day.

so blessed...

The other day I had an interesting conversation with a friend. She parallels prayer to self hypnosis. Well, regardless, I truly must testify that prayer really works. A little over a month ago I was literally in hell, but now for the first time in months I see a way out. I feel so blessed and so grateful to God for these blessings. Medifast was not even a thought on my radar screen until after I prayed for help. I'm going to turn all my major life decisions over to God--everything from dating, to financial help, to just about anything that affects me.

entertaining....

This past week has been slightly stressful in that a dear friend of mine was in town and of course, she wanted to go out to eat. I did keep it low carb, still, its stressful to see the added pound the next day. No matter how moderate I keep the meal, I am always a pound heavier by the next morning. Weighed in today at 180.5. I know it'll be gone by tomorrow but it still feels like I'm going backwards. Maybe I should try harder to resist food next time...

179.5

I never thought I'd be this happy to be in the 170s. 170 is traditionally associated with the word "nightmare" for me. But not this time, as I'm down 30.5 pounds from the unbelievable weight of 210! I'm so happy!

30 pounds GONE!

I'm just over 30 days into the program (thank goodness I'm losing count) and I'm now at 180 pounds! I've NEVER lost weight anywhere near this fast before (although, again, I've never been anywhere near this big before). I have really changed! I've moved on from my slip up (something I've NEVER been able to do in the past, especially under these circumstances). All I have to say is that faith and spirituality is a strong part of my program. My daily readings and meditations keep me focused and grounded. I know in my heart that this time I have no choice but to continue in the program---otherwise, accept a life as a fat girl---something I cannot do.  What does one do when he/she is completely and utterly ashamed of his/her own body? Prayer really does work... It seems as though I'm renewed. I'm not struggling like I was before. I think for a while near the end of the first month I had slipped out of ketosis even though I was doing everything right. I'm definately back in it though, if my dry mouth is any indication. Well, happy shaking!

My approach worked!

There was a point yesterday where I was resigned to failure---I was about to eat again! But I looked in the fridge, and sure enough, my shakes were already made and ready to drink so I was saved. Had it not been for the already made shakes, I would have been eating all day yesterday.
 
Today I rewarded on the scale. I'm down to 183 now. 27 pounds lost in 29 days! I guess I won't meet the 30 pound goal for the month, but that's OK. Progress--not perfection--is what counts.
 
These next few days will really be hard, I can tell. I'm already feeling down on myself; and that time of the month is coming... Stay tuned...

A Slip Up, and how to avoid it in the future

Yesterday, I really did slip up--and I feel very ashamed. I feel like scum, like dirt, like a very weak person. I've read stories of people who've stayed on the full fast from 4 months, to almost a year--yet I broke at day 27!! BUT... I have such a long way to go that I cannot afford to give up like I have in the past after making mistakes... I must move forward...
 
Yesterday was full of signs of my impending slip up... I didn't make my shakes... I doubled up on the soups (as flavorless as they are)... and I thought about going modified...
 
Ahhh, the medifast soups... They are horrible but yet after eating them I lost control. I guess cause I was longing for so much more than what I got. The one thing that I'm proud of is that I insisted on getting food that would do the least damage. I settled in on half a personal pan pizza and 8 or so baked wings. It was not even that good... Total damage done? I weighed in today at 184.5. I haven't been weighing daily, but I do know that my period is scheduled to start today and I weighted 183.5 yesterday. So, basically I got away easy this time.
 
What troubles me is what I read in my Daily Overeater Meditation guide--I wish to God that was the page I had been given yesterday. It said, breaking abstinence is like jumping off a skyscraper and expecting to only go down to the next floor--after a cheat, I may manage to get my eating under control for a day or a few weeks, but nothing will change the downward spiral. Now that is depressing! It's basically saying that I'm destined to fail now. Intellectually, I know the meal I had yesterday was not that far off from the modified plan. Its just that I vowed to myself that I would stay on. I got carried away.
 
How to avoid this in the future...
 
Well, yesterday I was so excited about going furniture shopping that I through all caution to the wind. Its easy to maintain control in the house with all my shakes at my disposal. When I go out in public though--making and packing the shakes is A MUST. Carrying the packets around is NOT enough and will not save me from disaster. If I had simply tried to pack my shakes to take along with me, something in me might have stopped me from eating. I've made it through situations TEN TIMES WORSE before--shame on me. The true shame, however, would be if I couldn't pick myself back up from this minor incident. The next week or so will be extremely hard work as I try to redeem myself...
 
Plan?
Drink 120 oz of water a day, 5 shakes a day, no soups, no exceptions!!

Musings from yesterday...

I don't know what happened to my motivation. Was it my decision to weigh in that has me fighting to hold on these days? What is wrong? I feel miserable. Everyday at home I have to smell the foods that I abused so carelessly in the past. I feel weak. All I can do is retreat to my room, bitterly waiting for the Medifast Soup to arrive. I've had nothing but shakes for 24 days. At first I was reluctant to use the other supplements but now I can't wait. I know of many people who also have found success mixing modified with the full fast, but I know in my heart that I cannot combine the two if I am serious about losing weight. I'm feeling miserable. Waiting for my period to arrive and hurry up and get the hell out my way. All I can do is look forward to the day when the scale reads 120. This is really a test of my faith and endurance, but I guess that's a good thing. How would I grow in character if this process were completely easy? One of the things that I wanted was a spiritual journey. Well guess what? No better way to get spiritual and grow my relationship with God than to pray during my weakest moments.

As a food addict, I've admitted that I am powerless over food. Now that I write this, I remember my desperation and hopelessness of just a few weeks ago. Before learning that I could do Medifast, I literally felt trapped and like I could never get back on track again. For the first time, I felt hope and faith--faith that I tarnished with my insistence on weighing. Maybe I'll leave the scale alone completely from now on.

But at the same time, I also feel like I should be charting my progress for future reference. Maybe just pray and have faith and forget the scale... Something that maybe will become clearer as I pray and meditate. These are the days when I REALLY REALLY need prayer and meditation. Before I didn't need it. Now my daily meditation guides are a Godsend.

I'm glad I wrote this.

It puts things in perspective. Who said a fast was supposed to be a piece of cake?

Right now I'm fighting the battle of my life---the same battle that I have lost many times over starting as far back as 15.

At 15, I suddenly went from 115 or so to 125, and then to 130, and then to 135. I remember the alarm people expressed. I was in complete denial. Still, I never really attempted to do anything about it. Well, at that time I had no idea about diets like Atkins, etc. I thought the only way to lose weight was to not eat, and sadly there were one or two occassions when I completely stopped eating for the day.

When I went off to college (at 17), my weight was around 130 to 140. I remember I literally stored dozens of Coca Cola bottles in my dorm room. Its amazing to me that I didn't blow up. Instead, the opposite happened. I was in ROTC, and eventually I had to start exercising and getting in shape. Though I didn't notice it at the time, I was shrinking. At that time, I knew I was kind of overweight, but I wasn't actively trying to do something about it. By the time Christmas Vacation came around, my parents and friends back home were astounded to see the new me. I was around 120 pounds. Everyone said I looked great! I didn't even realize I had become so small.

That break was a turning point; however. My dad bought several sheet cakes home to celebrate my success. I quickly settled back into my old ways. I ate ate and ate. I LOVE sheet cake! In two weeks, I was back up to 140.

That was the beginning of my weight roller coaster. My first official attempt at eating healthy, as misguided as it was, I believe took place around the age of 18. I ate low fat everything, sometimes restricting myself to one meal a day. I worked out faithfully for a good few weeks, and I took diet pills. The results were immediate. At that time, I had blown up to 160 pounds. In a few weeks, I was down 10 pounds, settling around 145 to 150 pounds.

Still, the drama taking place in my life (by this time, I had already transferred to another university) had a serious effect on my weight. I found my way back up to 160, and ended up leaving ROTC in semi-disgrace.

Again, I came home and lost the weight. Got down to around 150 by the time I transferred to my third university, and then after living in the dorms, I was back to around 140.

Looking back, I see now that my weight was usually under control when I was away from my family and their constant talk of weight. I remember seeing my sister and friends for a party in '99, and after everyone told me how great I looked, I started to lose control with my eating. I was perfectly fine, and actually getting smaller, until they insisted on pointing out how my physical appearance was.

Maybe I felt unloved. Maybe I felt that people were judging me over my physical appearance...


I eventually gained the weight again... Actually I hovered around 155 until I had the not so brilliant idea to start Atkins, the diet I had heard so much about.

Now THAT was the beginning of my yo yo, compulsive style eating phase. To make a long story short, I yo yoed my way to 175 to 180. As bad as it was, I got through it, settling back at 140. But not for long, I yo yo'd back and forth, vowing not to ever reach 175 again.

Then, I stopped the diligence. I let my guard down and the pounds crept on. This is how I found my way to the forbidden 200s.

When I first got on the scale at 200, I cried the entire day. I felt like shit. Then something in me became numb, and I actually proceeded to put on more weight! I tried a couple of times, half heartedly, to get it under control. But I just couldn't. I knew my battle with food had reached an all time low. To get to 140, I'd have to lose 60 to 70 pounds. It all seemed so impossible. But 140 was not even my goal! My goal is 120---making it necessary for me to lose almost 100 POUNDS!!!

This is why I cannot quit now. Its day 24 for me now, and as of yesterday I have lost 26 pounds. I have 64 more pounds to go to get to my goal, and I will do it--one day at a time. I'm so grateful to be on Medifast right now. I will fight to maintain my abstinence from harmful foods.

Day 23--You know what they say about "you didn't gain the weight overnight...?"

So you won't lose it overnight?

Well, that may be the case for some, but I pretty much did gain my weight overnight. So I pretty much expect to lose the weight overnight. The weight gain was so fast that it left me clueless about my true state of obesity for many months. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I learned my true standing.

Anyway, its Day 23 for me now. I believe this is officially the longest I've ever been on a diet. As of this morning, I am down 26 pounds! I gave up on the whole notion of not weighing for four months. Once you begin weighing, it is almost addictive! Each time I weigh, I'm fearful of there having been some sort of mistake with my weight the previous day. Anyway, gotta run!

Day 12, no sweating here!

Gosh, I'm on Day 12. I'm not sure if it's just my resolve or what but I'm going through this plan almost effortlessly. I have several routines now. My hair is looking great--getting it done every week and that has proven to be a really great idea. Liquid diets are not that bad--and this is coming from a food addict! The catch is, if you do a modified liquid diet (meaning some food allowed) then it will be A LOT harder. With me, there is a clear boundary, so I have nothing to feel guilty about which could in turn lead me to eat.

Food Addiction

I am a food addict to the core.

Today is Day 4 and I feel great. I think that this plan will be really successful because on it, I don't have to make decisions regarding food. The answer is simply no. There is no room to push the envelope--either I'm drinking a shake or I'm cheating. On other plans I'd always try to see what I could get away with. As a result, I'd always end up feeling guilty, then eventually falling off the plan completely.

I am a food addict who cannot forgive herself for mistakes.

I'm proud of who I am, but I want to change. Put that behind me.

10 reasons why i need to lose weight:

1) my self esteem
2) my confidence in myself
3) my strong desire to look good
4) none of my clothes fit!
5) make me more comfortable in my personal relationships
6) make me less reluctant to go into social situations
7) health reasons
8) to inspire others
9) to change the way others perceive me
10) because I am beautiful underneath all this fat!!

Day One!

Weighed in at a whopping 218 at 7am.
Then went down there fully dressed and weighed inat 210. I don't know if the scale works but everyone says it does. I was told to just accept the fact that I'm fat now and work to change it.

Hence, I'm almost done with my first day of full fasting.

I thought it would be a breeze, but I already miss food. I hung out with a friend today who reminds me of the "good old days" of eating nonstop. Then again... those days were not so good... Look where it got me!

I don't know how I will make it through the whole 5 months but like everyone is telling me--one day at a time. I'll try to focus on getting through each day individually. Also, in the beginning of the day it was easier for me to drink this water but now its nearly 9pm and I still have more water to drink. Hopefully I'll be done within the next 30 minutes. I was a little worried because I felt slightly nauseous after my second shake. The vanilla shake tastes good at first but then somewhere down the line it loses me.

One day until take off...

The more memorable events of yesterday included me having no shame in purchasing a bunch of junk food from the gas station. The attendant asked, "Is all of this yours?" I shamefully said yes. In my fog, I couldn't even hear the total right and handed him over seven dollars instead of the $3.55 I owed him.

But that wasn't all that happened yesterday. Yesterday, I went with my mom to get my nails done. Waited over 2 hours just for them to get started. NEVER AGAIN!!! But, sitting in the salon for so many hours gave me some ideas for things to distract me from what I'm about to do. I found the business card of a hair stylist who is offering a monthly hair management program: 3 shampoos/sets & one perm/touchup/ one deep condition treatment for $135 a month. Not bad at all. So every week, I'll get my hair done to keep myself looking good. I have a short haircut now so this works out great. Every two weeks I will get my nails done (at somewhere other than where I went yesterday).

Also, I heard of a soap called Black Soap that helps eliminate stretch marks. My rapid weight gain caused several groups of stretch marks to emerge. I will use that soap every day and by the time I reach my goal weight, hopefully they'll be gone. Also, I will thoroughly rub myself down with Cocoa Butter after my shower each day.

Finally, my sister is on Jenny Craig--she's lost a lot of weight and she compliments her weight loss every month with Body Wraps. A Body Wrap is a service in which you are totally wrapped up from head to toe and at the end of the process, you are expected to lose 10 to 20 inches.

I think all of those activities are enough to keep me distracted and feeling good on my journey to slimdom.

Why do I want to lose weight?

Well, I came up with 10 reasons that I'll post later. I need to print out those reasons and also a before picture to carry around with me.

The materials will arrive tomorrow

I wish I could have the confidence to say that I'm starting Saturday, no excuses. However, Father's Day is Sunday, and I cannot 100% say that it will be easy for me to brush off dinner at the Golden Corral or something. I'd better not take the risk. After Father's Day, there will be no more interruptions as I head towards my goal.

I've been doing a lot of thinking... and going back and forth a lot. Should I start exercising immediately? Should I exercise hard or soft? What time should I wake up? Etc etc. I'm just so worried about doing this perfectly. I've screwed up so much in the past but I feel in my heart that this time will be different. This program is the answer to a prayer I made one hopeless morning.

Anyway, I've decided to start the program on Monday, and to leave exercising out for now. I can't do 10 million things at the same time. That is what has screwed me up so much in the past. I try to be perfect, and when I can't maintain that perfection--I let go completely almost to the point of anti-perfection. Not this time. This time I'm taking things slowly.

My Medifast... Miracle?

Clarification: From what I'm reading, Medifast is just like Optifast, without the doctor's fees. I'm still waiting for the products to arrive. :-)

Countdown to takeoff...

Early yesterday morning, I woke up, miserable... wondering how exactly I would get out of this fat-fiasco I've found myself in. You see, last year this time I was 40 pounds slimmer--and at that time I was 20 pounds heavier than I was at the beginning of the year. That equals a 60 pound weight gain in less than two years! On my way up to this point, I had tried several diets here and there but I'd always quit, and of course, the result was always an increase in my size.

Anyway, yesterday, I woke up feeling that same hopelessness. The feeling of--what am I going to do now?? I began reading Oprah's book, "Making The Connection," and I got to the part where she talked about how she went from 237 pounds to 142 pounds in FOUR MONTHS while using the Optifast diet program! She noted how the weight came back with a vengeance though--but I thought--why not me? I can handle it! If I lose the weight I won't f*ck up like Oprah did! This is my last stop. I NEED this! Failure is no longer an option. If I fail at this, I will be resigned to fatdom for all eternity.

The diet supplies will get here by Thursday or Friday. I will document every moment of this fasting experience. I will use it as a spiritual journey, a journey that will hopefully make me a better person inside and out. Stay tuned!

By the way, I will not be posting pictures until I know whether or not this diet works. I'm not ready for the world to see me fat like this. I will post my starting weight on the day when I start the diet.

Failure

Last night, I lost control. I knew trouble was coming up when I was out yesterday without having had dinner. I started out at Applebee's with a low calorie shrimp and rice meal, which was very disappointing. Then I had a cheesecake/ice cream combo, and from there, thought about food the rest of the night. I ate two and a half bakes, a reeses pack of four, barbeque chicken. Thank God I decided not to get a drink. I had like 2.5 diet cokes as well. I felt awful and like a failure. I'm so happy to say that today I'm continuing. I may have lost yesterday's battle, but I have not lost the war. For the first time in my life I will keep on going, no matter what. Each day is a new gift, a chance to start over.

Going out last night, despite my failures, reinforced my wish to return to a normal size. I cannot stay this size. I'm so uncomfortable and my self esteem is shot. Last night we went to Copeland's and I saw a lot of girls who looked a hot mess but had the body. I believe after losing this weight, I will have it all. The face, the body, and the intelligence. The career. Gosh, who can ask for more? What a great gift God has blessed me wtih. I must live up to my full capacity. Just think, when I lose this weight, I will have it all. In the mean time, its time for me to work on mending my personal relationships, etc. Maybe time to make new friends who are headed in my same direction.

By my 25th birthday, I hope to have everything together: My weight (being most important for my wellbeing and sanity), my driver's license, my dignity, and new personal relationships.

11:53am
Sometimes when I'm running I want to breakdown and cry. All the pain...all the discomfort... wondering if I'm wasting my time?!? It hurts so bad everytime I think about and realize where I'm at right now. Its almost impossible to comprehend and so very overwhelming.

The pain is getting better. I'm able to jog now and I'm doing a lot more stretching. I think my schedule of weight loss is very realistic. I know that I can lose 4 pounds this week. and four pounds the next. The key is to have more wins than losses.

Game Plan

I resisted several instances of temptation yesterday, and guess what? it feels GREAT!
It's time I restored pride and dignity back into my life. My only regret is that it is going to take an extremely long time for me to lose all this weight!
I'm 25 pounds bigger than I was at my highest weight so I'm in a whole new ballgame now. I'll keep telling myself during temptation that I can always eat the thing later, which I can, just like I've been doing for the past year. Checkers, etc. will not be leaving the planet anytime soon.

Right now my plan is to add walking in and hopefully be able to run in another week or so.

I'm so glad I made it through yesterday,the only mistake being my accidental omission of grapefruit from dinner.

about weighing in....
the diet recommends weighing in every day, but then again, I don't think Dr. Scarsdale ever met anyone in my situation. I'm an irrational food addict. I cannot run the risk of weighing in and finding that I did not lose anything. I'm just going to wait until June 12. Hopefully by then I can pick up where I left off in June 2001 :-)

10:27am
REMEMBER TO CHEW!!!
3 front plan:
*****Water - at least 69 oz per day
*****Exercise - 3 times a day

Morning - Mid-day, Evening

Exercising at work strategies??only if staying late perhaps

*****Diet - (14 weeks)
2 weeks scarsdale
2 weeks atkins-ish type plan
2 weeks meat only
2 weeks atkins
2 weeks scarsdale w/supplements
2 weeks atkins-ish w/supplements?
2 weeks meat only

Plan for drinking water
Need 4.5 to 5 bottles of water

one bottle during workout time/breakfast

one bottle an hour or so before and during lunch

Broken

Last night I went out and I feel that I cannot continue like this. I'm too ashamed to even look at people these days. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I need to shift that discomfort to my eating because I cannot imagine going through my precious twenties like this. I simply cannot. I was going to all out deny myself but what I'll do is finish up my Scarsdale stuff and from there decide whether or not to continue or move on to a more drastic measure. Again, I cannot continue to gain weight. I feel so bad so brokenhearted. I have no idea what I will do when the urge comes next. It transcends all rhyme or reason and I do not even get the chance to think before shoving food down my throat. I don't want to be that person who gets no attention and is only looked upon with pity or as an easy prey.

Sadly, I find myself haven cut off several people from my life as well. ##, ##, ##, ## to name a few. My life is so lonely now. All I can do now is work to gain money and lose weight. Nothing else to do now. I pray with everything in me that God can help me resist the cravings. He's my only choice. Maybe when I get urges to eat junk I'll go cry somewhere, workout, or write in this diary. I have to do something. I cannot continue like this. Please, for the love of God you are over 200 pounds now!

Weigh In

Today I weighed in at 201 pounds. I'm completely devastated inside...