Fat and on the wrong track

Third day of outright lies to myself. Every day this week, I've told myself that I will be 100% full fast. And everyday this week, I've been a 100% glutton. I feel the same shame and heartache that I felt a couple months ago. I'm a failure. I'm actually embarassed about going out again. I couldn't even bring myself to weigh in today. Was it really just last week when I was weighing 157? It seems like so long ago... Like a previous lifetime...

I think the problem is that I should have taken my fat lazy @ss out running like I planned to for the past 5 days. I talk myself out of it each time and I guess that opens the door for me to disregard everything else I plan in regards to my fitness and wellbeing.

I have to get back on track. I'm inching up towards 170. That is not a good look for me. I really blew it. I'll never be able to meet Tim, and I don't think I want to anymore. Not after this. I wish I could just take off work and everything until I straightened this situation out. I'm sinking fast. I'm not in control of my actions, or at least it doesn't seem that way. All the time I thought I was outsmarting my food addiction, "it" was lying back, laughing, and I guess waiting for the opportunity to send me crashing down. It is stronger than me, obviously. I start to think and talk myself into cheating early in the morning. It grates on me and grates on me, and while I'm thinking about doing it, the disease tells me, "It won't be bad, just get back on track tomorrow. You need a break..." But the feelings I get afterward make the whole inexperience simple not worth it. I hate the way I'm feeling right now: Fat and on the wrong track.

Well, dammitt, if I'm going to be eating like a pig I need to at least get up and exercise in the morning!!

Sincerely,
Disgusted in Atlanta