I only managed to do 2 actual days on Stillman. The other 3 days were sort of "anything goes." I ate everything under the sun. Weighed in today at 164.5. My heart weeps knowing that this entire month was wasted. Ironically, had I stuck to full fast, I probably would have been at or near the 140s... and able to meet the guy I was so worried about. Did anxiety and fear of him cause this? Or was it the frequent stalls from earlier in the month that pushed me over the edge? I don't really know, or care; all I care about right now is moving forward.
I'm up pretty early in the morning, making a CD to run to. I'm so glad I ordered the Ready To Drink Medifast shakes. They should be here today, then I can start using them tomorrow--no matter what the taste. If they're disgusting, oh well. I'm just tired of spending so much time in the morning making shakes.
I'm very scared. I keep praying to God because I know how enthusiastically my alter ego is about screwing up my life and everything I've worked for. I've gained about 8 lbs from my lowest Medifast weight. My saboteur is hard at work now. I really need support. This is a matter of life or death though. I will probably return to Stillman but only after I've put this eating bug in check for a while. I'd say, one/two weeks.
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