Sometimes I get frustrated because I want the weight to disappear, like, yesterday. But I am so grateful to have found a program that I have been able to stay on for this long. I'm at 162 now, and I am so happy with each lost pound that takes me further away from my horrifying highest weight.
This year will prove to be one of my most successful years (in all aspects of my life) EVER! A little elaboration... I am 24 years old, right? Well, for years I had a phobia of driving. That fear crippled my ability to be independent. Well, within the past couple months I've learned to drive! Everytime I'm on the road, driving down the interstate, I'm just floored about how far I've come. I ask myself, why didn't I do this before?? What took me so long?? Well, everything in life has it's proper time. I truly feel as if it's a miracle everytime I'm on the road.
This year is also the year that I finally stopped playing around and graduated from college. I've flip flopped about, changing my major 3 times. Now I'm considering graduate school. I also got a great little research job I'm doing, for a pretty nice salary.
Finally, this is the year that will mark my true transition into womanhood-- I'm turning 25. I face it with dread, but with the determination to get my life together as much as possible before then. I think that the age thing is what has driven me to finally get certain things done. I really don't want to carry that baggage into 2005 or the age of 25.
In short, I've been blessed so much. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it. Sometimes I'm not as grateful as I should be (i.e., don't appreciate my job, or the fact that I live a very comfortable life).
This plan is slowly opening my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really am.
Monday, August 30, 2004
Saturday, August 28, 2004
163 POUNDS! 47 POUNDS GONE!
I woke up this morning, hoping to see somewhat of a loss, and to my surprise and delight, the scale read 2 lbs less than yesterday. I am thrilled. I want to run but I'm up much later than usual. Also, I kind of stretched out my hip on the left side. So maybe some light walking.
So far I've lost 5 lbs this week. I was so worried about the slow lost last week but it definitely has picked up. I'm glad I stayed true to the program. EVERY DAY this week I have been tempted and torn beyond belief. Thank you God for helping me through this.
So far I've lost 5 lbs this week. I was so worried about the slow lost last week but it definitely has picked up. I'm glad I stayed true to the program. EVERY DAY this week I have been tempted and torn beyond belief. Thank you God for helping me through this.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Weight Loss Stats
06/21/2004 - 210
07/11/2004 - 186
07/13/2004 - 184
07/17/2004 - 184.5
07/18/2004 - 184.5
07/19/2004 - 183
07/23/2004 - 180
07/24/2004 - 181
07/25/2004 - 179.5
07/26/2004 - 180.5
07/28/2004 - 178
07/29/2004 - 178.5
07/30/2004 - 178
08/01/2004 - 177
08/02/2004 - 176
08/03/2004 - 175.5
08/04/2004 - 175
08/05/2004 - 174.5
08/06/2004 - 174
08/07/2004 - 174
08/08/2004 - 172.5
08/09/2004 - 173
08/10/2004 - 172
08/11/2004 - 170.5
08/12/2004 - 170.5
08/13/2004 - 170.5
08/15/2004 - 171
08/16/2004 - 168.5
08/21/2004 - 167.5
08/22/2004 - 168.5 --WTF???
08/23/2004 - 168 -- I'll take it!
08/24/2004 - 167 -- Now we're talking
08/25/2004 - 167 -- Annoyed
08/26/2004 - 166 -- Relief
08/27/2004 - 165 -- Encouraged and motivated
08/28/2004 - 163 -- Thrilled! 4 more and I'll be below 160!
08/30/2004 - 162
09/07/2004 - 159.5
09/10/2004 - 160
09/12/2004 - 161.5
09/13/2004 - 158.5
09/14/2004 - 159.5
09/20/2004 - 159
07/11/2004 - 186
07/13/2004 - 184
07/17/2004 - 184.5
07/18/2004 - 184.5
07/19/2004 - 183
07/23/2004 - 180
07/24/2004 - 181
07/25/2004 - 179.5
07/26/2004 - 180.5
07/28/2004 - 178
07/29/2004 - 178.5
07/30/2004 - 178
08/01/2004 - 177
08/02/2004 - 176
08/03/2004 - 175.5
08/04/2004 - 175
08/05/2004 - 174.5
08/06/2004 - 174
08/07/2004 - 174
08/08/2004 - 172.5
08/09/2004 - 173
08/10/2004 - 172
08/11/2004 - 170.5
08/12/2004 - 170.5
08/13/2004 - 170.5
08/15/2004 - 171
08/16/2004 - 168.5
08/21/2004 - 167.5
08/22/2004 - 168.5 --WTF???
08/23/2004 - 168 -- I'll take it!
08/24/2004 - 167 -- Now we're talking
08/25/2004 - 167 -- Annoyed
08/26/2004 - 166 -- Relief
08/27/2004 - 165 -- Encouraged and motivated
08/28/2004 - 163 -- Thrilled! 4 more and I'll be below 160!
08/30/2004 - 162
09/07/2004 - 159.5
09/10/2004 - 160
09/12/2004 - 161.5
09/13/2004 - 158.5
09/14/2004 - 159.5
09/20/2004 - 159
Half way there!!
Today I weighed in at 165. I've lost exactly 45 pounds, and I need to lose another 45 pounds to get to my goal weight. I'm very encouraged. I've been doing very light running in the morning for the past few days. When I say light, I mean, 20 minutes of running/walking (less than 10 minutes of actually running). As long as I see a loss on the scale I will do it. If I don't see a loss on the scale then I don't do it. Makes sense right? Not!
Thursday, August 26, 2004
On A Side Note...
I was thinking about it today...
After reading some of my prior entries, I realized that some of my rants reek of... well... pure ungratefulness.
I am SO VERY GRATEFUL to have lost 44 pounds!!! A little over 2 months ago, I was faced with the horrifying task of having to lose 90 pounds! The weight of it all blew my mind-- it was mind boggling and overwhelming. Now I have lost virtually half of that, and only have 20 or so to go to become extremely comfortable in my size.
My ultimate goal of 120 pounds will just be icing on the cake. I believe that weight will be me at my very best. A weight of 145-140 is not bad on me but it's not me at my best.
I need to remember to show gratitude because my blessings can easily be taken away.
Gee... writing here is so therapeutic...
After reading some of my prior entries, I realized that some of my rants reek of... well... pure ungratefulness.
I am SO VERY GRATEFUL to have lost 44 pounds!!! A little over 2 months ago, I was faced with the horrifying task of having to lose 90 pounds! The weight of it all blew my mind-- it was mind boggling and overwhelming. Now I have lost virtually half of that, and only have 20 or so to go to become extremely comfortable in my size.
My ultimate goal of 120 pounds will just be icing on the cake. I believe that weight will be me at my very best. A weight of 145-140 is not bad on me but it's not me at my best.
I need to remember to show gratitude because my blessings can easily be taken away.
Gee... writing here is so therapeutic...
What's *Really* Wrong?
I'm not going to lie, these past few days have been very hard!
The temptation is unreal. Let me explain, my roommates always get a huge bag of frozen cooked Buffalo Wings from Sams and keep them in the freezer. But nobody eats them, and the wings haunt me just about every night. It's difficult, but for now my plan is to go walking/running once I get to the edge.
I've never had this much of a problem resisting. I think what needs to happen is that I need to make a firm decision, one way or another, of what exactly I plan to do. Am I going to go 100% or not? If I'm going to go 100%, then this foolishness with the chicken needs to stop!
So... that's it. I must make a decision....
And my decision is----- NOT TODAY! Is that firm enough? Not really when it comes to tomorrow, but for today it is. This chicken will always be around. In fact, once I reach my goal weight, I'll be eating much more chicken than I'll care to since I'll be low carbing and all. The chicken is not going anywhere... Those wings will still be around, even when I'm long gone. I need to move on and stop with this crap. I have so much work to do. Don't have time for this.
The temptation is unreal. Let me explain, my roommates always get a huge bag of frozen cooked Buffalo Wings from Sams and keep them in the freezer. But nobody eats them, and the wings haunt me just about every night. It's difficult, but for now my plan is to go walking/running once I get to the edge.
I've never had this much of a problem resisting. I think what needs to happen is that I need to make a firm decision, one way or another, of what exactly I plan to do. Am I going to go 100% or not? If I'm going to go 100%, then this foolishness with the chicken needs to stop!
So... that's it. I must make a decision....
And my decision is----- NOT TODAY! Is that firm enough? Not really when it comes to tomorrow, but for today it is. This chicken will always be around. In fact, once I reach my goal weight, I'll be eating much more chicken than I'll care to since I'll be low carbing and all. The chicken is not going anywhere... Those wings will still be around, even when I'm long gone. I need to move on and stop with this crap. I have so much work to do. Don't have time for this.
OK... OK... so I took a few peeks
Remember my pledge not to weigh in until the 12 week mark?
Well, I've dishonored that pledge several times. I've weighed in every day since. I'm now at 166.
Well, I've dishonored that pledge several times. I've weighed in every day since. I'm now at 166.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Struggling
Tonight I was really close to just making some buffalo wings--telling myself that I would be doing some sort of modified plan. In the last moments before heading downstairs to make the chicken, I uttered a desperate, half hearted prayer, then decided to go walking/running instead.
Now I'm somewhat back on track. I know once I start nibbling on food in my home that I will be on a slippery slope that I may not be able to get off of. I still have such a long way to go (47 pounds). At least its not 90 anymore :-)
Today I was wondering whether all of this fasting stuff is even necessary. I've heard that some people actually lose more weight when they include food. For some odd reason though, I always put on a pound.I wonder if I went really low carb if I could lose more weight that way??
I need to pick up momentum! I still have a ways to go. Should I keep on Medifast and assume the weight will come off? Or should I jump ship now?
Now I'm somewhat back on track. I know once I start nibbling on food in my home that I will be on a slippery slope that I may not be able to get off of. I still have such a long way to go (47 pounds). At least its not 90 anymore :-)
Today I was wondering whether all of this fasting stuff is even necessary. I've heard that some people actually lose more weight when they include food. For some odd reason though, I always put on a pound.I wonder if I went really low carb if I could lose more weight that way??
I need to pick up momentum! I still have a ways to go. Should I keep on Medifast and assume the weight will come off? Or should I jump ship now?
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Killing Time
Every now and then I forget about this ridiculous plan I'm on, and I start to focus on other things...
But oh... when I do remember what I'm doing... I get a feeling like I'm just killing time until I reach my goal. I read all the messages and posts from other fasters-- hoping to achieve the same results that so many others have.
I couldn't resist today.. I ended up weighing in today despite my prayers and my promise that I would not. Weighed in at 167. I need some distractions...
But oh... when I do remember what I'm doing... I get a feeling like I'm just killing time until I reach my goal. I read all the messages and posts from other fasters-- hoping to achieve the same results that so many others have.
I couldn't resist today.. I ended up weighing in today despite my prayers and my promise that I would not. Weighed in at 167. I need some distractions...
Humbling
Well, as I said yesterday, I had a mere half a pound loss during my 9th week on the program. It was very humbling, but the one good thing that came from it was that it caused me to put things in perspective.
I will not weigh in again until 9/14/04, which will mark the end of 12 weeks. I've just come to realize that NOTHING the scale could say today or tomorrow or the next day will be good enough. Whether it says 167.5 (which I already weighed on Saturday, or 167, which I feel I should have been at by Sunday).
Now if the scale still says 168 on 9/14, then me and Medifast will have some major problems.
I will not weigh in again until 9/14/04, which will mark the end of 12 weeks. I've just come to realize that NOTHING the scale could say today or tomorrow or the next day will be good enough. Whether it says 167.5 (which I already weighed on Saturday, or 167, which I feel I should have been at by Sunday).
Now if the scale still says 168 on 9/14, then me and Medifast will have some major problems.
Monday, August 23, 2004
9 weeks total
As I said last night, today is my final weigh in.
I was hoping to get a little boost, but that did not happen. I weighed in today at 168, making my total net weight loss for the week 0.5 lbs. I'm wondering if the Listerine strips might have caused this stall? I'm going to stop using them. Of course, I won't know whether me stopping is effective or not until my next weigh in which might be either next Monday or at the 12 week mark.
I was hoping to get a little boost, but that did not happen. I weighed in today at 168, making my total net weight loss for the week 0.5 lbs. I'm wondering if the Listerine strips might have caused this stall? I'm going to stop using them. Of course, I won't know whether me stopping is effective or not until my next weigh in which might be either next Monday or at the 12 week mark.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Actually...
I'm going to weigh in just one last time tomorrow morning because tomorrow marks the end of 9 weeks. But from then on... NO MORE!!!
Gotta Get Back to the Basics
Tonight I decided to go out, all by myself! Went to see that Exorcist movie... Pretty corny and left a bad taste in my mouth, similar to the way "Open Water" did yesterday.
Anyway, I decided to get "back to the basics." Somewhere down the line, I lost focus. This Medifast program is supposed to be a spiritual journey; a journey where I look inward and grow my relationship with God. It's not about me bitterly weighing in everyday, hoping to see another lost pound.
I'm going to pray really hard for the strength to leave the scale alone. This is pure physics folks. There is no way that one can be on a 450 calorie/day diet and not eventually shrink down to one's ideal size (and smaller). Give me a break! I need to give myself a break!
No more weighing in. I find that I've grown a little but not that much. It's time for me to do some deep thinking and figure out what it is I want from life. Everything will not be magically perfect when I finally reach my goal weight. I have to work on becoming the best person I can be... The Medifast can take care of my outside appearance, but a lot of work still needs to be done on the inside. I have a LOT of issues!
Anyway, I decided to get "back to the basics." Somewhere down the line, I lost focus. This Medifast program is supposed to be a spiritual journey; a journey where I look inward and grow my relationship with God. It's not about me bitterly weighing in everyday, hoping to see another lost pound.
I'm going to pray really hard for the strength to leave the scale alone. This is pure physics folks. There is no way that one can be on a 450 calorie/day diet and not eventually shrink down to one's ideal size (and smaller). Give me a break! I need to give myself a break!
No more weighing in. I find that I've grown a little but not that much. It's time for me to do some deep thinking and figure out what it is I want from life. Everything will not be magically perfect when I finally reach my goal weight. I have to work on becoming the best person I can be... The Medifast can take care of my outside appearance, but a lot of work still needs to be done on the inside. I have a LOT of issues!
EXTREMELY frustrated
This is torture... I weighed in today... at 168.5!!! What the hell is going on? I can't live like this. Total weight loss this week so far? ZERO!!!
I did everything right yesterday!! Actually, my only crime was my failure to drink the full gallon of water. I tried but I just wasn't that thirsty. What should I do? Run again???
This is too much. I'm trying my best to do this program and I feel as though I'm wasting time. Hell, I could have eaten yesterday if I knew I'd gain a pound anyway!!
So angry and frustrated this morning...
I did everything right yesterday!! Actually, my only crime was my failure to drink the full gallon of water. I tried but I just wasn't that thirsty. What should I do? Run again???
This is too much. I'm trying my best to do this program and I feel as though I'm wasting time. Hell, I could have eaten yesterday if I knew I'd gain a pound anyway!!
So angry and frustrated this morning...
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Scale FINALLY budged...
I weighed in this morning at 167.5--making my total loss for this week a mere 1 lb. I don't believe the scale would have moved at all were it not for me running Thursday morning. I wish I could work out again today but I don't want to mess my hair up. I know... pretty silly excuse... but I'm serious!! Maybe I'll find something less sweat inducing to do.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Finished running
It went pretty well...
Walked 5 mins...
Alternated between 60 second jog and 90 second walk for 20 mins straight.
I feel great. Hopefully this will get the scale moving again.
I don't know when I'll get to run again though.
Walked 5 mins...
Alternated between 60 second jog and 90 second walk for 20 mins straight.
I feel great. Hopefully this will get the scale moving again.
I don't know when I'll get to run again though.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Don't know what else to do...
So I'll write here.
First off, I'm very sad and will continue to be for a while to come. I've made so many mistakes over the past year, and as a result of those mistakes, I find myself living a lie. I've had to lie to so many of my friends, loved ones and even my bosses at work. It just eats me up inside. Now I have to face the music and make some tough decisions, secretly, all the while trying to keep up my deception--at least for the next four months.
Lately I don't even feel like drinking the shakes. Yesterday I did have a slip up, but as usual, the food wasn't what I expected and I am back on Medifast today. As usual, the weight gain was one pound. I am now at 169.5. Tomorrow I will try to resume my running program to break away from the slow losses of late.
I've never been so fearful in my life. I'm afraid my lies will be discovered. I don't know what to do. Every now and then I think about coming clean, and admitting my failures. I can actually redeem myself if I could just get over my fear of people knowing.
First off, I'm very sad and will continue to be for a while to come. I've made so many mistakes over the past year, and as a result of those mistakes, I find myself living a lie. I've had to lie to so many of my friends, loved ones and even my bosses at work. It just eats me up inside. Now I have to face the music and make some tough decisions, secretly, all the while trying to keep up my deception--at least for the next four months.
Lately I don't even feel like drinking the shakes. Yesterday I did have a slip up, but as usual, the food wasn't what I expected and I am back on Medifast today. As usual, the weight gain was one pound. I am now at 169.5. Tomorrow I will try to resume my running program to break away from the slow losses of late.
I've never been so fearful in my life. I'm afraid my lies will be discovered. I don't know what to do. Every now and then I think about coming clean, and admitting my failures. I can actually redeem myself if I could just get over my fear of people knowing.
Monday, August 16, 2004
Holding on tightly
The past few days were very disappointing for me--- I stayed at 170.5 for what seemed like days. Today I weighed in at 168.5. Today marks the completion of 8 weeks on the Medifast Plan. My total weight loss is 41.5 pounds!! Finally in the 160s. Hopefully I will not have gained by tomorrow.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Interesting results
Today I woke up and weighed in at 170.5 after taking the two Thermo Hydroxadrine pills yesterday evening. Usually when I lose 1.5 lbs in a single day, I end up gaining half a pound the next day. So we'll see if that trend continues. One thing I didn't expect was to feel so jittery. I see my body is no longer immune to those things. I was going to try to hunt down an extra supply of pills because I only have 100 as of this morning, and each serving is 3 (although I'm only taking two). But I decided that 100 is enough. Honestly, I shouldn't be taking these pills in the first place. I don't want to get off track completely. I just need to get into the 150s ASAP to feel more comfortable in my skin...that's all! These pills give so much energy that I know I'll have to incorporate exercise unless I plan to get really sick.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
A new idea
It's funny how all over the place my mind is as the day goes by...
I decided to try a little experiment. Several months ago, I ordered Thermo Hydroxadrine (with Ephedra) that is basically a cheaper version of Xenadrine. I never finished the pills, and I"m wondering what would happen if I took the pills now within the confines of a very low calorie diet.
So I'm going to take low doses for like a week, and see what happens. Then when that slows down, I'll up the dose and maybe add exercise.
It would be wonderful if I could lose an extra 10 lbs quickly due to the pills.
I'll just see what happens.
I decided to try a little experiment. Several months ago, I ordered Thermo Hydroxadrine (with Ephedra) that is basically a cheaper version of Xenadrine. I never finished the pills, and I"m wondering what would happen if I took the pills now within the confines of a very low calorie diet.
So I'm going to take low doses for like a week, and see what happens. Then when that slows down, I'll up the dose and maybe add exercise.
It would be wonderful if I could lose an extra 10 lbs quickly due to the pills.
I'll just see what happens.
Focused
I'm on Day 51... the second day of my 8th week on the Medifast program. It's simply unbelievable to me that I could be on a plan this long.
I've come to the realization that I have changed... Each day that goes by confirms it. I've been in several tight situations involving food... and I passed! I've moved on and kept going. My resolve is for real this time, I don't have to doubt myself anymore. I don't have to fear.
Yesterday I was thinking that I'd allow myself a modified meal or two when I get to 165 or 160. Right now I feel as if I could wait for 160...then again, why not 155?
I'm at 172 now. I've lost a total of 38 pounds. Is this type of weight loss possible on other plans? I'm sure of it. HOwever, for some reason, I just couldn't focus on those other plans. I always ended up eating/binging. That's how out of control I was.
Stepping away from food entirely was the best decision I ever made.
I'm so grateful to God for today. Now if I could only stop procrastinating and get to work!
I've come to the realization that I have changed... Each day that goes by confirms it. I've been in several tight situations involving food... and I passed! I've moved on and kept going. My resolve is for real this time, I don't have to doubt myself anymore. I don't have to fear.
Yesterday I was thinking that I'd allow myself a modified meal or two when I get to 165 or 160. Right now I feel as if I could wait for 160...then again, why not 155?
I'm at 172 now. I've lost a total of 38 pounds. Is this type of weight loss possible on other plans? I'm sure of it. HOwever, for some reason, I just couldn't focus on those other plans. I always ended up eating/binging. That's how out of control I was.
Stepping away from food entirely was the best decision I ever made.
I'm so grateful to God for today. Now if I could only stop procrastinating and get to work!
Saturday, August 07, 2004
Another day...
Something is bothering me, and now come to think of it, it may not even be this program. I've been feeling kind of sad--the only thing I do is look forward to the next weighing, hanging my entire self esteem/mood on the results of the weigh in. Yet there are a lot of troubling things going on in my life that I now have to deal with and that are more likely the cause of my restlessness. I ate 7 supplements yesterday instead of the regular 5. My weight? The same as yesterday.
Friday, August 06, 2004
this is so hard...
I'm lying here, desperate to maintain control, urging myself to move forward on the plan. Tonight I had six supplements instead of the usual five. I'm on shaky ground... I need to stay focused. Sometimes, a lot of times, I have good days. Other times, I find this plan to be extremely hard and unnatural. I miss food, I grieve for food. I grieve for the time when I would carelessly eat whatever I chose. Yet, I know that those were definitely not "the good ol' days." I was in hell. The proof is in writing. The proof is in the numbers on the scale. I'm in limbo, but at least I'm headed towards my goal. May God grant me the strength to carry on... I really need it.
Been losing half a pound a day...
Although I wish it would move faster, that averages to about 3.5 pounds a week. I'm wondering whether I should do some stretching exercises today or just chill... Weighed in today at 174---36 pounds lost in 47 days.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Kind of low...
Lately I've been putting a lot of thought into my maintenance plan, and I guess it has me feeling kind of down because I have such a long way to go. At the very least, I have to lose 35 pounds to get to a more comfortable size. All I do is drink shakes. Its kind of depressing. I wish I could eat like other people eat.
I have been very unproductive all week. When I get home, I think I'm just going to go to sleep and watch TV. That's all I can do until this weight comes off. Going out only reminds me of what I'm missing.
I have been very unproductive all week. When I get home, I think I'm just going to go to sleep and watch TV. That's all I can do until this weight comes off. Going out only reminds me of what I'm missing.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
nevermind...
I woke up this morning and thought to myself..."There is no way in hell that I'm going to get up out of this bed and go running..." And with that, my pledge to run every day came to an abrupt end. Truth is, I should have stuck to the 5K training program but I guess I can resume that at any time. The thing that really kept me from running today is I went against my other pledge not to weigh, and when I saw that I had only lost half a pound, I decided that it was not worth it to be sore from overdoing it. I'll see what the scale says tomorrow and then I might retry my challenge or go back to the more moderate training program.
Monday, August 02, 2004
Working out to (hopefully) accelerate loss
I noticed a definite slow down in my weight loss. One day I even noticed a half pound gain although I did nothing wrong. So I've started working out, training to run 5K. During the period since starting I've lost 2 pounds, but right now its unclear whether that is due to the Medifast or the working out, or whether I would have lost more without the working out. Either way, in my heart I know that working out ultimately will help and not hurt me. Also, I've grown accustomed to the Medifast soup. I can't get enough of it now, but I am dutifully restricting it to twice a day.
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