I remember the first night when I decided to eat real food, despite my attempt to be full fast. The next morning, in my Daily Food Meditation guide, it said something to the effect of, "Once you cheat, you have effectually jumped off the roof of a skyscraper building. You may not hit the ground immediately, but you are surely on a downward spiral." The book could not have been more right. Over time, my cheats increased and increased--bringing back to the point of being completely and hopelessly out of control. I've been able to hold it down up to the 160 pt every now and then, then I eat out of control again. Who knows what I weigh now. I'm too afraid to find out. Today, I've had 2 RTD Vanilla shakes so far. They are so disgusting, but I'm hoping that someway, somehow, I can get through the day without cheating.
I'm so weak, I don't even question any food put before me--I just eat first and think about it later. I've let myself down. Next week was supposed to mark 5 months on the program--if I had stayed on plan, I might have been at or very close to my goal weight. Instead, I'm still in the unacceptable 160s. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry. I've lost control of my actions, it seems. I can't get myself to do anything--not even to workout anymore. The bike hasn't been used since that first day.
If I could only hurry up and move back to my own place. The mortgage company still has me up in the air--I'm worried sick about it. But once I move, I can control everything that comes into my home. I'll have no choice but to stay on plan. No car, no roommates, and, yes, it seems, no more real friends. I'll be left alone and with nothing but the shakes (literally, cuz it'll be cold and I'm not going to keep the house that warm).
But as for today, I'm taking it one shake at a time. I need a power greater than myself to keep me on track today...
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