It is / was a nightmare. Up until early September, I was very much in control of my destiny. But then I voluntarily placed myself on an emotional rollercoaster---all because of a man. Now I see why the 12 step programs warn us to refrain from romantic relationships, etc. during recovery. During the weeks I've been gone from the blog, I was eating out of control. I actually returned to the 170s! I felt like all hope was gone....
Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.
So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.
Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.
One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!
I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.
No comments:
Post a Comment