Last night, I lost control. I knew trouble was coming up when I was out yesterday without having had dinner. I started out at Applebee's with a low calorie shrimp and rice meal, which was very disappointing. Then I had a cheesecake/ice cream combo, and from there, thought about food the rest of the night. I ate two and a half bakes, a reeses pack of four, barbeque chicken. Thank God I decided not to get a drink. I had like 2.5 diet cokes as well. I felt awful and like a failure. I'm so happy to say that today I'm continuing. I may have lost yesterday's battle, but I have not lost the war. For the first time in my life I will keep on going, no matter what. Each day is a new gift, a chance to start over.
Going out last night, despite my failures, reinforced my wish to return to a normal size. I cannot stay this size. I'm so uncomfortable and my self esteem is shot. Last night we went to Copeland's and I saw a lot of girls who looked a hot mess but had the body. I believe after losing this weight, I will have it all. The face, the body, and the intelligence. The career. Gosh, who can ask for more? What a great gift God has blessed me wtih. I must live up to my full capacity. Just think, when I lose this weight, I will have it all. In the mean time, its time for me to work on mending my personal relationships, etc. Maybe time to make new friends who are headed in my same direction.
By my 25th birthday, I hope to have everything together: My weight (being most important for my wellbeing and sanity), my driver's license, my dignity, and new personal relationships.
11:53am
Sometimes when I'm running I want to breakdown and cry. All the pain...all the discomfort... wondering if I'm wasting my time?!? It hurts so bad everytime I think about and realize where I'm at right now. Its almost impossible to comprehend and so very overwhelming.
The pain is getting better. I'm able to jog now and I'm doing a lot more stretching. I think my schedule of weight loss is very realistic. I know that I can lose 4 pounds this week. and four pounds the next. The key is to have more wins than losses.
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