Broken

Last night I went out and I feel that I cannot continue like this. I'm too ashamed to even look at people these days. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I need to shift that discomfort to my eating because I cannot imagine going through my precious twenties like this. I simply cannot. I was going to all out deny myself but what I'll do is finish up my Scarsdale stuff and from there decide whether or not to continue or move on to a more drastic measure. Again, I cannot continue to gain weight. I feel so bad so brokenhearted. I have no idea what I will do when the urge comes next. It transcends all rhyme or reason and I do not even get the chance to think before shoving food down my throat. I don't want to be that person who gets no attention and is only looked upon with pity or as an easy prey.

Sadly, I find myself haven cut off several people from my life as well. ##, ##, ##, ## to name a few. My life is so lonely now. All I can do now is work to gain money and lose weight. Nothing else to do now. I pray with everything in me that God can help me resist the cravings. He's my only choice. Maybe when I get urges to eat junk I'll go cry somewhere, workout, or write in this diary. I have to do something. I cannot continue like this. Please, for the love of God you are over 200 pounds now!