Musings from yesterday...

I don't know what happened to my motivation. Was it my decision to weigh in that has me fighting to hold on these days? What is wrong? I feel miserable. Everyday at home I have to smell the foods that I abused so carelessly in the past. I feel weak. All I can do is retreat to my room, bitterly waiting for the Medifast Soup to arrive. I've had nothing but shakes for 24 days. At first I was reluctant to use the other supplements but now I can't wait. I know of many people who also have found success mixing modified with the full fast, but I know in my heart that I cannot combine the two if I am serious about losing weight. I'm feeling miserable. Waiting for my period to arrive and hurry up and get the hell out my way. All I can do is look forward to the day when the scale reads 120. This is really a test of my faith and endurance, but I guess that's a good thing. How would I grow in character if this process were completely easy? One of the things that I wanted was a spiritual journey. Well guess what? No better way to get spiritual and grow my relationship with God than to pray during my weakest moments.

As a food addict, I've admitted that I am powerless over food. Now that I write this, I remember my desperation and hopelessness of just a few weeks ago. Before learning that I could do Medifast, I literally felt trapped and like I could never get back on track again. For the first time, I felt hope and faith--faith that I tarnished with my insistence on weighing. Maybe I'll leave the scale alone completely from now on.

But at the same time, I also feel like I should be charting my progress for future reference. Maybe just pray and have faith and forget the scale... Something that maybe will become clearer as I pray and meditate. These are the days when I REALLY REALLY need prayer and meditation. Before I didn't need it. Now my daily meditation guides are a Godsend.

I'm glad I wrote this.

It puts things in perspective. Who said a fast was supposed to be a piece of cake?

Right now I'm fighting the battle of my life---the same battle that I have lost many times over starting as far back as 15.

At 15, I suddenly went from 115 or so to 125, and then to 130, and then to 135. I remember the alarm people expressed. I was in complete denial. Still, I never really attempted to do anything about it. Well, at that time I had no idea about diets like Atkins, etc. I thought the only way to lose weight was to not eat, and sadly there were one or two occassions when I completely stopped eating for the day.

When I went off to college (at 17), my weight was around 130 to 140. I remember I literally stored dozens of Coca Cola bottles in my dorm room. Its amazing to me that I didn't blow up. Instead, the opposite happened. I was in ROTC, and eventually I had to start exercising and getting in shape. Though I didn't notice it at the time, I was shrinking. At that time, I knew I was kind of overweight, but I wasn't actively trying to do something about it. By the time Christmas Vacation came around, my parents and friends back home were astounded to see the new me. I was around 120 pounds. Everyone said I looked great! I didn't even realize I had become so small.

That break was a turning point; however. My dad bought several sheet cakes home to celebrate my success. I quickly settled back into my old ways. I ate ate and ate. I LOVE sheet cake! In two weeks, I was back up to 140.

That was the beginning of my weight roller coaster. My first official attempt at eating healthy, as misguided as it was, I believe took place around the age of 18. I ate low fat everything, sometimes restricting myself to one meal a day. I worked out faithfully for a good few weeks, and I took diet pills. The results were immediate. At that time, I had blown up to 160 pounds. In a few weeks, I was down 10 pounds, settling around 145 to 150 pounds.

Still, the drama taking place in my life (by this time, I had already transferred to another university) had a serious effect on my weight. I found my way back up to 160, and ended up leaving ROTC in semi-disgrace.

Again, I came home and lost the weight. Got down to around 150 by the time I transferred to my third university, and then after living in the dorms, I was back to around 140.

Looking back, I see now that my weight was usually under control when I was away from my family and their constant talk of weight. I remember seeing my sister and friends for a party in '99, and after everyone told me how great I looked, I started to lose control with my eating. I was perfectly fine, and actually getting smaller, until they insisted on pointing out how my physical appearance was.

Maybe I felt unloved. Maybe I felt that people were judging me over my physical appearance...


I eventually gained the weight again... Actually I hovered around 155 until I had the not so brilliant idea to start Atkins, the diet I had heard so much about.

Now THAT was the beginning of my yo yo, compulsive style eating phase. To make a long story short, I yo yoed my way to 175 to 180. As bad as it was, I got through it, settling back at 140. But not for long, I yo yo'd back and forth, vowing not to ever reach 175 again.

Then, I stopped the diligence. I let my guard down and the pounds crept on. This is how I found my way to the forbidden 200s.

When I first got on the scale at 200, I cried the entire day. I felt like shit. Then something in me became numb, and I actually proceeded to put on more weight! I tried a couple of times, half heartedly, to get it under control. But I just couldn't. I knew my battle with food had reached an all time low. To get to 140, I'd have to lose 60 to 70 pounds. It all seemed so impossible. But 140 was not even my goal! My goal is 120---making it necessary for me to lose almost 100 POUNDS!!!

This is why I cannot quit now. Its day 24 for me now, and as of yesterday I have lost 26 pounds. I have 64 more pounds to go to get to my goal, and I will do it--one day at a time. I'm so grateful to be on Medifast right now. I will fight to maintain my abstinence from harmful foods.