Sunday, May 04, 2008
Over 3 years later... I made it!
I forgot all about this blog. LOL. I've been at my goal for over 2 years now.
Monday, January 31, 2005
I don't know how much I weigh
I left my scale behind and haven't weighed myself in months. It's probably better that way. I know that if I do what's right I will be where I need to be soon. That's all the matters. This journey requires diligence. Summer is approaching, and for the first time in 7 years, I would like to be a fox-- during the summer that is. My weight loss pattern has been a big loss in the fall, then a gain in the winter that continues throughout the summer until fall.
I spent a good portion of yesterday arguing with a "know it all" who kept going on and on about how "diets don't work." I told him that diets do work, the question is whether the person will stay on the diet until the end, and maintain the weight loss when the goal is reached. What I did was quit the diet and go back to binging. NO matter what type of lifestyle I'm leading, if I overeat, then I will gain weight. He raised some good points, and I do agree with some of what he said about making foods less taboo, but for now, I have a goal that I want to reach. I told him that if I fail again, I will gladly do his plan (because at that point I'd be at rock bottom). To make matters worse, the jerk gave me a cold! I am really, really sick now. I don't know if its a cold or the flu. Rarely do I get colds, and this cold medicine does not seem to be working at all.
I'm so through with men. Until I learn to stand up for myself and not place another person's needs above my own, then I need to stay single.
I spent a good portion of yesterday arguing with a "know it all" who kept going on and on about how "diets don't work." I told him that diets do work, the question is whether the person will stay on the diet until the end, and maintain the weight loss when the goal is reached. What I did was quit the diet and go back to binging. NO matter what type of lifestyle I'm leading, if I overeat, then I will gain weight. He raised some good points, and I do agree with some of what he said about making foods less taboo, but for now, I have a goal that I want to reach. I told him that if I fail again, I will gladly do his plan (because at that point I'd be at rock bottom). To make matters worse, the jerk gave me a cold! I am really, really sick now. I don't know if its a cold or the flu. Rarely do I get colds, and this cold medicine does not seem to be working at all.
I'm so through with men. Until I learn to stand up for myself and not place another person's needs above my own, then I need to stay single.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
change has strengthened my resolve
I have come to the realization that I am extremely blessed. I finally had the courage to quit my job. Also, I finally passed the Road Test. Didn't think I ever would. I am so thankful to God for that, and of course, the instructor who gave me the chance (my parking skills weren't so good). ON TOP OF THAT, I purchased the car model that I really wanted.
So why on earth would I not be content? There are so many people who would gladly trade places with me---I now have my own town house, a beautiful car, and my health. All I have to do is lose weight. That is simple compared to what other people face. There are soldiers dying, people starving, dying from diseases--and here I am acting like losing 50 lbs is impossible. It finally hit me, and my resolve is strong. I know this entry is somewhat jumbled. I just had to express what I was feeling.
So why on earth would I not be content? There are so many people who would gladly trade places with me---I now have my own town house, a beautiful car, and my health. All I have to do is lose weight. That is simple compared to what other people face. There are soldiers dying, people starving, dying from diseases--and here I am acting like losing 50 lbs is impossible. It finally hit me, and my resolve is strong. I know this entry is somewhat jumbled. I just had to express what I was feeling.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
The answer to the question: Does Medifast Really Work?
Yes, Medifast does really work. In a little over 9 weeks, I lost 60 pounds and was racing towards my goal weight. Medifast worked. But what didn't work was my self esteem and my resolve. The confidence and pride to realize that I deserved to be thin and happy.
Well, a lot has happened. I purchased my very own home which I am at right now as I type. It took a while, but now there is absolutely nothing in my home that is edible that does not say "Medifast" on the cover. I haven't taken a peek at the damage I've done over the past few weeks while eating out of control. But I know its bad because my clothes are not fitting the same. Last night I looked at myself and felt disgust. See, the thing about me is that I am not able to eat normally. No matter how hard I try. This is not something that just began to happen--I've always had a problem with putting the fork down. Even as a child. Why? I don't know. But I do know that when I'm doing something low carb that insanity is relieved---up until the time when I decide to take that "first bite."
Anyhow, I can't ramble on too much because I have a lot of work to do. I'm just glad to be back, and I am determined now to get this done. My self esteem is shot, and if I continue on like this, I will never enter another healthy relationship again. When it comes to men, I want to be able to choose from the cream of the crop, not from the barrel of unwanted losers. I've realized this firmly in my mind over the past few weeks--I NEED to lose weight if I ever want that dream life. I'm 25, and will turn 26 in October. I'm not getting any younger. I have to trim down ASAP and start dating again (maybe later in the year when I'm set in my routine). Then maybe have one child, and live happily ever after. The fat is keeping me from doing this---I MUST LOSE THE FAT!
Well, a lot has happened. I purchased my very own home which I am at right now as I type. It took a while, but now there is absolutely nothing in my home that is edible that does not say "Medifast" on the cover. I haven't taken a peek at the damage I've done over the past few weeks while eating out of control. But I know its bad because my clothes are not fitting the same. Last night I looked at myself and felt disgust. See, the thing about me is that I am not able to eat normally. No matter how hard I try. This is not something that just began to happen--I've always had a problem with putting the fork down. Even as a child. Why? I don't know. But I do know that when I'm doing something low carb that insanity is relieved---up until the time when I decide to take that "first bite."
Anyhow, I can't ramble on too much because I have a lot of work to do. I'm just glad to be back, and I am determined now to get this done. My self esteem is shot, and if I continue on like this, I will never enter another healthy relationship again. When it comes to men, I want to be able to choose from the cream of the crop, not from the barrel of unwanted losers. I've realized this firmly in my mind over the past few weeks--I NEED to lose weight if I ever want that dream life. I'm 25, and will turn 26 in October. I'm not getting any younger. I have to trim down ASAP and start dating again (maybe later in the year when I'm set in my routine). Then maybe have one child, and live happily ever after. The fat is keeping me from doing this---I MUST LOSE THE FAT!
Saturday, December 04, 2004
I've been off the bandwagon for over two months now
I just want to clarify to anyone who may be interested in trying Medifast--Medifast really works. The problem I struggle with, however, and have always struggled with, is compulsive overeating. I've struggled with overeating all my life. When I was younger, it didn't matter much because my metabolism and activity level was high. All hell broke loose once I tried to "check" my overeating tendencies.
Well...where do I go from here? My closing date for my new house is actually moved up to 12/20. I want to move into my new home slimmer and in control of what I'm trying to do. Once its just me, I'll have nobody to blame but myself for what I put into my mouth. I will go into seclusion and keep all sugars away.
Taken from Food for Thought, Daily Meditations For Overeaters:
For the compulsive overeater, there is always one primary choice to be made. Will I abstain or will I overeat? For us, there is nothing in between. If we have hundreds of pounds to lose or if we have reached and are maintaining our goal weight, the choice is still the same. It is the key decision we make many, many times each day
We are free at each moment to choose which we will do. There is no magic which will make us abstain, and there is no force which can compel us to swallow food we do not need. The choice is ours alone.
No one graduates from OA. There is no point at which one can say, "This is it. I've got it made now." We are always aware of the fact that we are compulsive overeaters and are always one bite away from a binge. When we remember that abstaining or overeating is our primary choice, then other decisions become easier. To abstain is to choose life. To overeat is to choose death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May I maintain constant awareness of my primary choice.
Well...where do I go from here? My closing date for my new house is actually moved up to 12/20. I want to move into my new home slimmer and in control of what I'm trying to do. Once its just me, I'll have nobody to blame but myself for what I put into my mouth. I will go into seclusion and keep all sugars away.
Taken from Food for Thought, Daily Meditations For Overeaters:
For the compulsive overeater, there is always one primary choice to be made. Will I abstain or will I overeat? For us, there is nothing in between. If we have hundreds of pounds to lose or if we have reached and are maintaining our goal weight, the choice is still the same. It is the key decision we make many, many times each day
We are free at each moment to choose which we will do. There is no magic which will make us abstain, and there is no force which can compel us to swallow food we do not need. The choice is ours alone.
No one graduates from OA. There is no point at which one can say, "This is it. I've got it made now." We are always aware of the fact that we are compulsive overeaters and are always one bite away from a binge. When we remember that abstaining or overeating is our primary choice, then other decisions become easier. To abstain is to choose life. To overeat is to choose death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May I maintain constant awareness of my primary choice.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
I really did fall off the skyscraper
I remember the first night when I decided to eat real food, despite my attempt to be full fast. The next morning, in my Daily Food Meditation guide, it said something to the effect of, "Once you cheat, you have effectually jumped off the roof of a skyscraper building. You may not hit the ground immediately, but you are surely on a downward spiral." The book could not have been more right. Over time, my cheats increased and increased--bringing back to the point of being completely and hopelessly out of control. I've been able to hold it down up to the 160 pt every now and then, then I eat out of control again. Who knows what I weigh now. I'm too afraid to find out. Today, I've had 2 RTD Vanilla shakes so far. They are so disgusting, but I'm hoping that someway, somehow, I can get through the day without cheating.
I'm so weak, I don't even question any food put before me--I just eat first and think about it later. I've let myself down. Next week was supposed to mark 5 months on the program--if I had stayed on plan, I might have been at or very close to my goal weight. Instead, I'm still in the unacceptable 160s. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry. I've lost control of my actions, it seems. I can't get myself to do anything--not even to workout anymore. The bike hasn't been used since that first day.
If I could only hurry up and move back to my own place. The mortgage company still has me up in the air--I'm worried sick about it. But once I move, I can control everything that comes into my home. I'll have no choice but to stay on plan. No car, no roommates, and, yes, it seems, no more real friends. I'll be left alone and with nothing but the shakes (literally, cuz it'll be cold and I'm not going to keep the house that warm).
But as for today, I'm taking it one shake at a time. I need a power greater than myself to keep me on track today...
I'm so weak, I don't even question any food put before me--I just eat first and think about it later. I've let myself down. Next week was supposed to mark 5 months on the program--if I had stayed on plan, I might have been at or very close to my goal weight. Instead, I'm still in the unacceptable 160s. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry. I've lost control of my actions, it seems. I can't get myself to do anything--not even to workout anymore. The bike hasn't been used since that first day.
If I could only hurry up and move back to my own place. The mortgage company still has me up in the air--I'm worried sick about it. But once I move, I can control everything that comes into my home. I'll have no choice but to stay on plan. No car, no roommates, and, yes, it seems, no more real friends. I'll be left alone and with nothing but the shakes (literally, cuz it'll be cold and I'm not going to keep the house that warm).
But as for today, I'm taking it one shake at a time. I need a power greater than myself to keep me on track today...
Monday, November 01, 2004
It feels so good to be back
It is / was a nightmare. Up until early September, I was very much in control of my destiny. But then I voluntarily placed myself on an emotional rollercoaster---all because of a man. Now I see why the 12 step programs warn us to refrain from romantic relationships, etc. during recovery. During the weeks I've been gone from the blog, I was eating out of control. I actually returned to the 170s! I felt like all hope was gone....
Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.
So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.
Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.
One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!
I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.
Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.
So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.
Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.
One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!
I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The thoughts begin early in the day
And they continue to torment me until I give in. So far I'm on track. I ran like I planned, and I ate a Medifast supplement for breakfast. But I'm already getting cravings for something--anything--from wings to Subway. I will try my best to pray. That's all I can do now... depend on a Higher Power.
I'm completely out of control. Left unchecked, I would find my way back up to 210 and higher. I'm like a crack addict... Struggling through detox. How much easier this might be if I was in a maximum security hospital where Medifast was my only option for food. How will I get past this? At the very least, I want to lose 10 or so pounds before my birthday. Can I at least focus long enough to do that??? One can only hope...
I'm completely out of control. Left unchecked, I would find my way back up to 210 and higher. I'm like a crack addict... Struggling through detox. How much easier this might be if I was in a maximum security hospital where Medifast was my only option for food. How will I get past this? At the very least, I want to lose 10 or so pounds before my birthday. Can I at least focus long enough to do that??? One can only hope...
Don't know if I'll ever get it together
Another day off Medifast. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it together. I say one thing, then do another. I'm lost. Planning to challenge myself up until my birthday by running every morning and staying full fast. My clothing size is around 10, and was getting smaller. I am slowly throwing it all away though. I'm scared and feel helpless. I'm not in control of my life.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
The food downstairs
smells really good...
But I had to think long and hard before concluding that I really don't want to weigh in tomorrow at a higher weight than I am now. It's just not worth it to go on that emotional roller coaster again.
But I had to think long and hard before concluding that I really don't want to weigh in tomorrow at a higher weight than I am now. It's just not worth it to go on that emotional roller coaster again.
Back on track
Weighed in today at 156.5. What a pleasant surprise. I hope the 2 lbs a day trend continues. I'm so grateful to have made it this far. It's so hard getting back on after failing. Let's see how much I can lose between now and my birthday (which is 24 days away!).
Monday, October 04, 2004
back to 158.5
I've been extremely sore all weekend because I reorganized my room all by myself--didn't have the patience to wait for help. I also jogged on Saturday and Sunday. So when I woke up this morning, I noticed that my rings were tight on my fingers and I figured I gained weight. But the scale said 158.5, 2 lbs down. Today I decided to take it easy. My body needs to heal, seriously.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Cleaned my act up, although I had a close call today
Any food addict or person trying to lose weight knows the panicked and confused feeling you get when you're out with people and someone brings up the brilliant idea to go and get something to eat. Well, I might have been too weak to save myself, but luckily others were too busy to take part. So now I'm back home, in the safety of my room, and holding on, hour by hour. Today is my second day. I was off track the whole time since my last entry.
What happened was, yesterday, I was going to avoid weighing in, and I was going to just go ahead and eat "normally" (binge) for the weekend, and then start all over on Monday. But I became really curious about my weight, and braced myself for what I thought would be a number at or close to 170. To my shock and amazement, the scale read 161. That was all that was needed to get me back on track. The knowledge that all is really not lost. I truly felt fat, but my gain was only 4 lbs. I can lose that by the end of next week, I'm sure.
So here I am, September truly was a waste. But it was a learning experience. I am really behind now, but it's OK. At least I'll keep moving forward.
What happened was, yesterday, I was going to avoid weighing in, and I was going to just go ahead and eat "normally" (binge) for the weekend, and then start all over on Monday. But I became really curious about my weight, and braced myself for what I thought would be a number at or close to 170. To my shock and amazement, the scale read 161. That was all that was needed to get me back on track. The knowledge that all is really not lost. I truly felt fat, but my gain was only 4 lbs. I can lose that by the end of next week, I'm sure.
So here I am, September truly was a waste. But it was a learning experience. I am really behind now, but it's OK. At least I'll keep moving forward.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Fat and on the wrong track
Third day of outright lies to myself. Every day this week, I've told myself that I will be 100% full fast. And everyday this week, I've been a 100% glutton. I feel the same shame and heartache that I felt a couple months ago. I'm a failure. I'm actually embarassed about going out again. I couldn't even bring myself to weigh in today. Was it really just last week when I was weighing 157? It seems like so long ago... Like a previous lifetime...
I think the problem is that I should have taken my fat lazy @ss out running like I planned to for the past 5 days. I talk myself out of it each time and I guess that opens the door for me to disregard everything else I plan in regards to my fitness and wellbeing.
I have to get back on track. I'm inching up towards 170. That is not a good look for me. I really blew it. I'll never be able to meet Tim, and I don't think I want to anymore. Not after this. I wish I could just take off work and everything until I straightened this situation out. I'm sinking fast. I'm not in control of my actions, or at least it doesn't seem that way. All the time I thought I was outsmarting my food addiction, "it" was lying back, laughing, and I guess waiting for the opportunity to send me crashing down. It is stronger than me, obviously. I start to think and talk myself into cheating early in the morning. It grates on me and grates on me, and while I'm thinking about doing it, the disease tells me, "It won't be bad, just get back on track tomorrow. You need a break..." But the feelings I get afterward make the whole inexperience simple not worth it. I hate the way I'm feeling right now: Fat and on the wrong track.
Well, dammitt, if I'm going to be eating like a pig I need to at least get up and exercise in the morning!!
Sincerely,
Disgusted in Atlanta
I think the problem is that I should have taken my fat lazy @ss out running like I planned to for the past 5 days. I talk myself out of it each time and I guess that opens the door for me to disregard everything else I plan in regards to my fitness and wellbeing.
I have to get back on track. I'm inching up towards 170. That is not a good look for me. I really blew it. I'll never be able to meet Tim, and I don't think I want to anymore. Not after this. I wish I could just take off work and everything until I straightened this situation out. I'm sinking fast. I'm not in control of my actions, or at least it doesn't seem that way. All the time I thought I was outsmarting my food addiction, "it" was lying back, laughing, and I guess waiting for the opportunity to send me crashing down. It is stronger than me, obviously. I start to think and talk myself into cheating early in the morning. It grates on me and grates on me, and while I'm thinking about doing it, the disease tells me, "It won't be bad, just get back on track tomorrow. You need a break..." But the feelings I get afterward make the whole inexperience simple not worth it. I hate the way I'm feeling right now: Fat and on the wrong track.
Well, dammitt, if I'm going to be eating like a pig I need to at least get up and exercise in the morning!!
Sincerely,
Disgusted in Atlanta
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Trying Again...
The Ready To Drink shakes arrived last night. I also ordered soup that came as well. I'm sipping it now, and as I suspected, it's going to take a while to get used to. It doesn't have the thick, shake like texture that I prefer, and it is in one of my least favorite flavors.
Yesterday didn't go so well. I missed my 4:30pm shake, and then I immediately began to have thoughts about the food waiting at home. So it was a premeditated cheat.
I'm at 164. I'm a month behind, for sure. I really let myself down. No matter which way you look at it. I'm so sad.
I'm going full fast today, but I can't trust myself 100%. Who knows what today will bring? I'm turning 25 shortly and I still look a mess. I pray that God give me the strength to keep going.
Yesterday didn't go so well. I missed my 4:30pm shake, and then I immediately began to have thoughts about the food waiting at home. So it was a premeditated cheat.
I'm at 164. I'm a month behind, for sure. I really let myself down. No matter which way you look at it. I'm so sad.
I'm going full fast today, but I can't trust myself 100%. Who knows what today will bring? I'm turning 25 shortly and I still look a mess. I pray that God give me the strength to keep going.
Monday, September 27, 2004
A really bad weekend
I only managed to do 2 actual days on Stillman. The other 3 days were sort of "anything goes." I ate everything under the sun. Weighed in today at 164.5. My heart weeps knowing that this entire month was wasted. Ironically, had I stuck to full fast, I probably would have been at or near the 140s... and able to meet the guy I was so worried about. Did anxiety and fear of him cause this? Or was it the frequent stalls from earlier in the month that pushed me over the edge? I don't really know, or care; all I care about right now is moving forward.
I'm up pretty early in the morning, making a CD to run to. I'm so glad I ordered the Ready To Drink Medifast shakes. They should be here today, then I can start using them tomorrow--no matter what the taste. If they're disgusting, oh well. I'm just tired of spending so much time in the morning making shakes.
I'm very scared. I keep praying to God because I know how enthusiastically my alter ego is about screwing up my life and everything I've worked for. I've gained about 8 lbs from my lowest Medifast weight. My saboteur is hard at work now. I really need support. This is a matter of life or death though. I will probably return to Stillman but only after I've put this eating bug in check for a while. I'd say, one/two weeks.
I'm up pretty early in the morning, making a CD to run to. I'm so glad I ordered the Ready To Drink Medifast shakes. They should be here today, then I can start using them tomorrow--no matter what the taste. If they're disgusting, oh well. I'm just tired of spending so much time in the morning making shakes.
I'm very scared. I keep praying to God because I know how enthusiastically my alter ego is about screwing up my life and everything I've worked for. I've gained about 8 lbs from my lowest Medifast weight. My saboteur is hard at work now. I really need support. This is a matter of life or death though. I will probably return to Stillman but only after I've put this eating bug in check for a while. I'd say, one/two weeks.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Back to August 30 weight
I looked at my stats. I weighed 162 on August 30. That means I've made no progress all month, pretty much. I'm not leaving this house all weekend. I'll stay in forever if I have to. This month was horrific for me... An entire month wasted. I'm ashamed of myself, but hoping to get back on track soon. I have 26 days to lose 20 lbs so I can be at the same weight Oprah was at after she did Optifast for 4 months. I was doing so well...
Hopefully the Stillman plan will get me back on track. It's hard to imagine going back to the shakes fully after eating food. I think I'll try Stillman for as long as it works I guess...
Hopefully the Stillman plan will get me back on track. It's hard to imagine going back to the shakes fully after eating food. I think I'll try Stillman for as long as it works I guess...
up 5 lbs
From my lowest *recent* weight of 157. I decided to go ahead and do the Stillman plan until I get at or near 140. I change my mind constantly. I just had 4.5 slices of turkey, with 0 carbs. I'm going to try to keep the calorie count the same as what I did on the fast, and also continue with the 5 meals/day, every 3 to 4 hrs. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I guess I'll play around with it when I get into ketosis to see what approach is better. So far so good... the guilt is not killing me as much anymore. I was going to run this morning but got lazy. Hey, the weight will come off regardless so why should I stress myself out. I'm on a low calorie diet. One thing I have to make sure to do now is up my water intake to 80. I'm sure on most days I did 80 anyway, but the Stillman diet instructions insist that 80 oz is the minimum.
Panicking
I'm panicking right now. I'm wondering how far this eating spree I went on yesterday will set me back. I feel disrupted down to the very core. I still feel the food I ate lingering around. I took a laxative which I don't think is even going to work. Nevertheless, I don't want to go running yet because I'm not sure what will end up happening.
I never want to feel like this again. I will do the shakes today, since it will be a busy day for me. When I'm done with work tonight, I will cook and grill up the food I will eat for the next couple days. I forgot to get the sandwich bags, which make it easy for me to separate the foods and what not. To make it so bad, I felt my clothes melting off of me yesterday. It was as if I was losing inches as the day went by. There's no telling how far yesterday's actions will set me back.
Once again, I have to forgive myself or there is no way for me to move on. My journey is nowhere near over, and everything I do is a learning experience. I now know better than to just keep eating for eating sake. I was actually full, but I kept pushing myself to eat simply because I wanted to "get it all in" before resuming plan 100%. That is unacceptable and childish.
I'm pretty much accepting that I'm probably around 165 right now. Don't think I want to get on the scale and confirm it though. I just needed to express my feelings, which are really low at this point...
I never want to feel like this again. I will do the shakes today, since it will be a busy day for me. When I'm done with work tonight, I will cook and grill up the food I will eat for the next couple days. I forgot to get the sandwich bags, which make it easy for me to separate the foods and what not. To make it so bad, I felt my clothes melting off of me yesterday. It was as if I was losing inches as the day went by. There's no telling how far yesterday's actions will set me back.
Once again, I have to forgive myself or there is no way for me to move on. My journey is nowhere near over, and everything I do is a learning experience. I now know better than to just keep eating for eating sake. I was actually full, but I kept pushing myself to eat simply because I wanted to "get it all in" before resuming plan 100%. That is unacceptable and childish.
I'm pretty much accepting that I'm probably around 165 right now. Don't think I want to get on the scale and confirm it though. I just needed to express my feelings, which are really low at this point...
Thursday, September 23, 2004
I probably weigh...
Close to 165 right now. I ate all day long. Non stop. Pure carbs. Also, I'm a hypocrite. Went back on my word about staying away from sweets. Turns out, the more you eat, the more cravings you get for sugar. I learned something new.
But tomorrow, I think I'm going to go ahead and start on Stillman. I'm really ready for something different. I think I'm going to enjoy grilling the different meats and eating them. I'm really scared of what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm ready to take it like a woman!!
But tomorrow, I think I'm going to go ahead and start on Stillman. I'm really ready for something different. I think I'm going to enjoy grilling the different meats and eating them. I'm really scared of what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm ready to take it like a woman!!
Not so good
Yesterday evening, I lost it again. I don't know if it was the constant undermining of my program by others or stress, or the fact that I broke my promise to myself and talked to Tim again. Whatever it was, I ended up finishing up the Medifast bars (3), 2 packs of Medifast crackers, a little bit of corn beef, and a few ounces of ham. Woke up this morning to a 2 lb weight gain, but that's not it. I started off today with ham, and I'm planning a wing escapade. I'm just so stressed. I think I need to try something new, yet I ordered over 300 dollars worth of product yesterday (270 ready to drinks!!). The 270 ready to drinks should last about 3 months since I usually only drink 3 shakes a day, and do soups for the other two meals. My mom is already trying to buy them from me though. Maybe I'll just get her to order her own so we can both take advantage of the sale.
Yeah, but what I was thinking about was doing a 0-carb week to break the monotony of the shakes and this horrible plateau. All lean chicken & fish, with no fat. I cannot stay on plan these days. I'm extremely bored... My attention span is very short, and it's mind boggling to think that I've stayed on plan for this long... I've been on this plan for 95 days, 12 of those days included food, the rest, full fast... I feel as though it might be time for me to move on.... Not sure what to do now...
Updated: Actually, I've made up my mind. Today I will splurge a little, then I will do 1 to 2 weeks of the Stillman Diet (plateau buster). Then I will ease my way back onto the Medifast plan. I will go shopping for the food tonight. Hopefully this isn't the nail that seals my coffin. LOL. On second thought, maybe I can do 3 more days of Medifast (Friday, Sat, Sun) to get back into ketosis and take off the excess weight, then, begin Stillman on Monday? I'm trying to figure out what will give me the maximum loss... Something to think about, because if I jump into Stillman tomorrow, then I might lose some ground in that I didn't have the benefit of starting at a smaller weight? If that makes much sense... We'll see!
In other news... I may not have changed much when it comes to overeating and self sabotoge, but one thing that I've truly changed in (at least for now) is my desire for sugary treats and snacks. I'm no longer interested. The things I want to splurge on are low carb meats, etc. Maybe it's because the shakes had the right amount of sugar to keep me balanced... I'm not sure. All I know is, the thought of buying a nice slice of (fill in the blank) and eating it is pretty much in the same category as eating rat poisoning right now. I hate what it does to me emotionally and physically. Right now, I feel as though I could give those desserts up for life. They're just not worth it.
Yet Another Update... OK, I just did some calculations and see that my period is coming next week! It was just here, was it not?! So that throws a major wrench in my plans. I must abort this mission, and postpone... Full fast until my period goes away. Another benefit to waiting is to squeeze out as much of the effectiveness of Medifast before switching temporarily. The Medifast program has really run out of steam. I bet I'll still be the same weight two weeks from now.
Yeah, but what I was thinking about was doing a 0-carb week to break the monotony of the shakes and this horrible plateau. All lean chicken & fish, with no fat. I cannot stay on plan these days. I'm extremely bored... My attention span is very short, and it's mind boggling to think that I've stayed on plan for this long... I've been on this plan for 95 days, 12 of those days included food, the rest, full fast... I feel as though it might be time for me to move on.... Not sure what to do now...
Updated: Actually, I've made up my mind. Today I will splurge a little, then I will do 1 to 2 weeks of the Stillman Diet (plateau buster). Then I will ease my way back onto the Medifast plan. I will go shopping for the food tonight. Hopefully this isn't the nail that seals my coffin. LOL. On second thought, maybe I can do 3 more days of Medifast (Friday, Sat, Sun) to get back into ketosis and take off the excess weight, then, begin Stillman on Monday? I'm trying to figure out what will give me the maximum loss... Something to think about, because if I jump into Stillman tomorrow, then I might lose some ground in that I didn't have the benefit of starting at a smaller weight? If that makes much sense... We'll see!
In other news... I may not have changed much when it comes to overeating and self sabotoge, but one thing that I've truly changed in (at least for now) is my desire for sugary treats and snacks. I'm no longer interested. The things I want to splurge on are low carb meats, etc. Maybe it's because the shakes had the right amount of sugar to keep me balanced... I'm not sure. All I know is, the thought of buying a nice slice of (fill in the blank) and eating it is pretty much in the same category as eating rat poisoning right now. I hate what it does to me emotionally and physically. Right now, I feel as though I could give those desserts up for life. They're just not worth it.
Yet Another Update... OK, I just did some calculations and see that my period is coming next week! It was just here, was it not?! So that throws a major wrench in my plans. I must abort this mission, and postpone... Full fast until my period goes away. Another benefit to waiting is to squeeze out as much of the effectiveness of Medifast before switching temporarily. The Medifast program has really run out of steam. I bet I'll still be the same weight two weeks from now.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
157
Actually, the two week trial I committed to is turning out to be perfect in keeping me focused. I know I can do anything for two weeks. I know I can be cheat free for two weeks. The key is, to avoid people who trigger my cravings and/or annoy me. Hopefully when the two weeks are up I'll be able to convince myself to go for another two weeks.
I actually got up and ran today. That was good, although I had nowhere near the amount of endurance I had last time I ran. Yep, the carbs are all gone! That's for sure. I should be in ketosis now.
In my Food Addicts book, it mentioned that food addicts are advised not to weigh in more than once a month. Well, once a month might be too hard for me, but how does once a week sound? That's hard enough. If I can get to the "weigh once a week" point, maybe I can eventually up it to two weeks, three weeks, and then a month. That doesn't seem very likely though. Today I'm looking good. I'm fitting back into some old clothes. Not looking quite as good as I did back then, but getting damned close!
I actually got up and ran today. That was good, although I had nowhere near the amount of endurance I had last time I ran. Yep, the carbs are all gone! That's for sure. I should be in ketosis now.
In my Food Addicts book, it mentioned that food addicts are advised not to weigh in more than once a month. Well, once a month might be too hard for me, but how does once a week sound? That's hard enough. If I can get to the "weigh once a week" point, maybe I can eventually up it to two weeks, three weeks, and then a month. That doesn't seem very likely though. Today I'm looking good. I'm fitting back into some old clothes. Not looking quite as good as I did back then, but getting damned close!
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
157.5
Lost 1.5 lbs yesterday. I have a feeling this will be a great week. I was torn on whether or not to exercise this morning. I found out I have to leave a lot earlier than usual. I'm also really desperate to see major losses on the scale. I think I'll play it by ear. Little or no loss tomorrow? I'll run again. Major loss again? I won't. It sounds ridiculous but that is the point I'm at now!
Monday, September 20, 2004
Those bars are trouble!
Today I weighed in at 159. So basically, I haven't really progressed in over two weeks. That's fine. Everyone needs a break sometime, although I sure picked the worst timing. I want this weight off NOW!! So out goes the games, and in comes seriousness.
One of the driving forces in my cheats of late have been the Medifast Chocolate Bars--- Peanut Butter and I think Chocolate. I've had 2, sometimes 3 at a time. Ihave to try to resist the bars. No, I MUST resist the bars. The temptation is always there because the bars are officially allowed (one per day). The problem is, when I use that reasoning, things always spiral out of control.
Yes, the bars are allowed but apparently I'm not strong enough to leave it at just one. I end up eating the bar, then to make it so bad, I actually begin eating other stuff too! I have to promise myself that if I ever get too close to the bars, that I will throw them away. Even though they aren't mine! LOL
So, if I know what's good for me, and I truly want to remain on plan... I have to give up the bars. Indefinitely. That's just the way it goes. Those bars are no different than pure carbs for me.
Update: Well, it's almost 6pm and I'm still maintaining control. Today was very unproductive for me, in all other aspects of my life. Thoughts of dieting and losing weight dominate me. I can't focus on anything else. The bottom line is, I have to overcome this problem. It's taken up too much of my life already. I'm ready to put it behind me. Everytime I go downstairs, my resolve towards this program is put in jeopardy. I really am weak, yet I know I must continue if I want to keep losing weight. I need to lost at least 20 more pounds before I can afford to slack off and play games. Lord, please help me to do that.
What I really would like to do is put my all into the program, at least for the next two weeks. If I am still stalled at that point I may look into other options. So on with the two week trial...
One of the driving forces in my cheats of late have been the Medifast Chocolate Bars--- Peanut Butter and I think Chocolate. I've had 2, sometimes 3 at a time. I
Yes, the bars are allowed but apparently I'm not strong enough to leave it at just one. I end up eating the bar, then to make it so bad, I actually begin eating other stuff too! I have to promise myself that if I ever get too close to the bars, that I will throw them away. Even though they aren't mine! LOL
So, if I know what's good for me, and I truly want to remain on plan... I have to give up the bars. Indefinitely. That's just the way it goes. Those bars are no different than pure carbs for me.
Update: Well, it's almost 6pm and I'm still maintaining control. Today was very unproductive for me, in all other aspects of my life. Thoughts of dieting and losing weight dominate me. I can't focus on anything else. The bottom line is, I have to overcome this problem. It's taken up too much of my life already. I'm ready to put it behind me. Everytime I go downstairs, my resolve towards this program is put in jeopardy. I really am weak, yet I know I must continue if I want to keep losing weight. I need to lost at least 20 more pounds before I can afford to slack off and play games. Lord, please help me to do that.
What I really would like to do is put my all into the program, at least for the next two weeks. If I am still stalled at that point I may look into other options. So on with the two week trial...
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Things are looking up
Today I got up early and ran as planned. I was actually able to run for 15 minutes straight, I guess from all the readily available carbs I have floating around my body.
Then I went to church, and I think I looked pretty cute! I've been full fast the entire day, despite barbecue floating around. I keep track of the days when I'm full fast, and not full fast. Turns out that this week, I ate food literally every other day. My full fast rate was 57% so technically I did win the battle of the bulge for the week, barely.
Hopefully I can keep up the running for the next two weeks. I'm sure that would make a HUGE difference in my body appearance, even if my weight stays the same. I feel much more positive today. Glad to have made it through. I almost ended up being forced to go to a restaurant today after church but luckily the guys had the NFL on their mind. So I was saved by football. Ciao!
Then I went to church, and I think I looked pretty cute! I've been full fast the entire day, despite barbecue floating around. I keep track of the days when I'm full fast, and not full fast. Turns out that this week, I ate food literally every other day. My full fast rate was 57% so technically I did win the battle of the bulge for the week, barely.
Hopefully I can keep up the running for the next two weeks. I'm sure that would make a HUGE difference in my body appearance, even if my weight stays the same. I feel much more positive today. Glad to have made it through. I almost ended up being forced to go to a restaurant today after church but luckily the guys had the NFL on their mind. So I was saved by football. Ciao!
Forgiveness
I'm sitting here thinking...
It's funny how some people around me are now encouraging me to eat. My mother actually had the nerve to tell me that I had lost enough and didn't need to lose any more (keep in mind I'm about 5'1", and weighing about 160 pounds!!). Another friend decided that I needed to get medical attention ASAP, because losing 50 lbs so quickly was simply not safe for my heart. Nevermind that I'm 24 in almost perfect health. I'm sure gaining 70 lbs in less than 2 years was OK, and I should have kept it that way?! Yet, these are the same people who couldn't resist informing me about how fat I was getting when I tipped the scales at over 200 pounds.
The bottom line is, I'm all I have. The only person I can depend on to look out for my best interest is myself. With such characters swarming around, its not surprising that I would slip every now and then. I'm not making excuses for myself, because my behavior of late has been unacceptable. But what I'm trying to do, is to forgive myself. I made a mistake. I'm not perfect. Being upset and feeling hopeless will make it that much harder to get back on track. I'm going to dust myself off, get back up, and keep going. I forgive myself.
Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early and run. I'll try to do that every day this week, but oh well if I don't. I'm not going to keep beating up on myself. I think I've done an excellent job so far. It's going to be OK. This is not a crisis... it will only be one if I make it into one. I can get back on track. Whatever happens, I cannot and will not conduct myself the way Oprah did. This is not the end. This is just life.
It's funny how some people around me are now encouraging me to eat. My mother actually had the nerve to tell me that I had lost enough and didn't need to lose any more (keep in mind I'm about 5'1", and weighing about 160 pounds!!). Another friend decided that I needed to get medical attention ASAP, because losing 50 lbs so quickly was simply not safe for my heart. Nevermind that I'm 24 in almost perfect health. I'm sure gaining 70 lbs in less than 2 years was OK, and I should have kept it that way?! Yet, these are the same people who couldn't resist informing me about how fat I was getting when I tipped the scales at over 200 pounds.
The bottom line is, I'm all I have. The only person I can depend on to look out for my best interest is myself. With such characters swarming around, its not surprising that I would slip every now and then. I'm not making excuses for myself, because my behavior of late has been unacceptable. But what I'm trying to do, is to forgive myself. I made a mistake. I'm not perfect. Being upset and feeling hopeless will make it that much harder to get back on track. I'm going to dust myself off, get back up, and keep going. I forgive myself.
Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early and run. I'll try to do that every day this week, but oh well if I don't. I'm not going to keep beating up on myself. I think I've done an excellent job so far. It's going to be OK. This is not a crisis... it will only be one if I make it into one. I can get back on track. Whatever happens, I cannot and will not conduct myself the way Oprah did. This is not the end. This is just life.
heading towards rock bottom
I hope I can stop the plummet here. I'm like hanging on to the balcony for dear life. I'm on a downward spiral, that's for sure. Let's see, I've cheated just about every other day this week. Why? Why when I'm so close to where I'm going?
True, I had a very bad week... Got chewed out by the boss, and basically have to ignore the feelings I have for someone. I just don't want to gain all the weight back. I feel devastated. I've been at this place before... I'm desperate. How in the world am I going to stay on plan? I can't trust myself! Tonight I actually ordered food and had it delivered to my place. I should have never broke Golden Rule #3(never eat food in the home). This situation is out of control now. The only thing that can stop me now is divine intervention, because I have become powerless again. It's mind boggling to think that I would jeopardize my progress like this, after all I've been through.
If I was looking at myself from an outside viewpoint, I would definitely wonder what was so hard about getting back on plan. Maybe I can try that tomorrow--to conduct myself based on the advice I would give someone else in my situation. REally, the solution is very simple--GET BACK ON PLAN!! What is wrong with me???? Do I have to get my jaws wired shut?? Take hunger suppressants? Anti depressants? What??!!! This has GOT to stop!!!
OK, I'll try this again. I don't want to get to the point where my word is completely meaningless in my eyes. I want to be able to make plans, and know that I will carry through. Tomorrow is a new day (I'm actually in tomorrow right now, but then that would mean I've already cheated for the day, so for my purposes I will still consider now Saturday). Tomorrow I won't give in so easily. I will duke it out with the devil next time. He is trying to steal my joy-- I can't let that happen. I'm already beginning to feel bad about myself. Tomorrow, 5 supplements, no excuses. NO EXCUSES!!! The worst part about all of this is that the food wasn't even that good! It NEVER is....
True, I had a very bad week... Got chewed out by the boss, and basically have to ignore the feelings I have for someone. I just don't want to gain all the weight back. I feel devastated. I've been at this place before... I'm desperate. How in the world am I going to stay on plan? I can't trust myself! Tonight I actually ordered food and had it delivered to my place. I should have never broke Golden Rule #3(never eat food in the home). This situation is out of control now. The only thing that can stop me now is divine intervention, because I have become powerless again. It's mind boggling to think that I would jeopardize my progress like this, after all I've been through.
If I was looking at myself from an outside viewpoint, I would definitely wonder what was so hard about getting back on plan. Maybe I can try that tomorrow--to conduct myself based on the advice I would give someone else in my situation. REally, the solution is very simple--GET BACK ON PLAN!! What is wrong with me???? Do I have to get my jaws wired shut?? Take hunger suppressants? Anti depressants? What??!!! This has GOT to stop!!!
OK, I'll try this again. I don't want to get to the point where my word is completely meaningless in my eyes. I want to be able to make plans, and know that I will carry through. Tomorrow is a new day (I'm actually in tomorrow right now, but then that would mean I've already cheated for the day, so for my purposes I will still consider now Saturday). Tomorrow I won't give in so easily. I will duke it out with the devil next time. He is trying to steal my joy-- I can't let that happen. I'm already beginning to feel bad about myself. Tomorrow, 5 supplements, no excuses. NO EXCUSES!!! The worst part about all of this is that the food wasn't even that good! It NEVER is....
Saturday, September 18, 2004
I made it through yesterday
Despite being offered some of my favorite food. I rejected the food, and continued on plan, 100%. I'm not at home now, I'm at my friend's house. Actually, I'm a little pissed off at this situtation. He invites me over to spend the weekend. I didn't want to but he insists. Then he tells me that he is taking part in a Cards Tournament today, so basically, because I didn't feel like waking up early, I'm going to be stuck here all day. Alone. Unless I leave of course, but there is nowhere to go that I know of. Maybe I'll check out some nearby stores. Oh well, at least there is nothing in this apartment for me to eat. Refrigerator and cabinets are completely empty...
Friday, September 17, 2004
Looking back...
I think I'm starting to understand why I've fallen off balance mentally...
For weeks, I lived in a dream world. Just imagining myself with the perfect man, at the perfect weight. I literally day dreamed all day long. Didn't really participate in the real world much. So, when I crossed that line and met this guy who seemed like the man of my dreams, I was yanked out of my fantasy world, into the real world. The real world, where I was not thin and beautiful--but fat! I need to get back to the point where I'm envisioning myself thin so because it pushes me to take the program seriously.
For weeks, I lived in a dream world. Just imagining myself with the perfect man, at the perfect weight. I literally day dreamed all day long. Didn't really participate in the real world much. So, when I crossed that line and met this guy who seemed like the man of my dreams, I was yanked out of my fantasy world, into the real world. The real world, where I was not thin and beautiful--but fat! I need to get back to the point where I'm envisioning myself thin so because it pushes me to take the program seriously.
Taking it one hour/meal at a time today
My friend wants me to spend the weekend with him but I'm not sure if that's a good idea since my standing on this plan is very shaky. I'd have to pack up a bunch of shakes but it still makes me nervous to be away. Today will make or break me. I have to get clean, for at least a week. I didn't weigh in today, though I was really tempted to. I just don't want to start the yo yo cycle of weighing in, getting depressed, then eating.
I've still lost at least 48 lbs I'm sure. That's nothing to scoff at. I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep on moving. I don't need to get all scared now. I've come too far to turn back. The only person I'm making a promise to now is myself.
This plan is for me... nobody else...
I've still lost at least 48 lbs I'm sure. That's nothing to scoff at. I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep on moving. I don't need to get all scared now. I've come too far to turn back. The only person I'm making a promise to now is myself.
This plan is for me... nobody else...
Thursday, September 16, 2004
really low
I survived yesterday, but I found it to be very hard.
I survived today... until later in the evening. It all went downhill when I ate a Medifast bar. From that point, I had two more. Then I ate crackers, then I ate ham. I was totally out of control. I broke the promise I made to God. I guess it was just too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do now. I feel out of control.
I survived today... until later in the evening. It all went downhill when I ate a Medifast bar. From that point, I had two more. Then I ate crackers, then I ate ham. I was totally out of control. I broke the promise I made to God. I guess it was just too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do now. I feel out of control.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
A New Beginning
I ended up eating even more last night. I weighed in today at 160.5. I was out of control, but it was with the Medifast supplements mainly. I stole two packets of my mom's crackers, and one of her candy bars. LOL. Then I snuck a piece of garlic bread (it was nasty). Later, I began to think, why do I not even take a moment to think before I fly into those hungry rages? Well, the problem is that I don't do a good job of building up my resolve and my faith beforehand. If you don't take the time to meditate and reflect, then that store of courage will be unavailable to you when you need it most.
Today marks a new beginning for me, I am recommitting myself to the Medifast program, because somewhere down the line, I veered off track. Before starting this plan, I came across the site, Freedom You Compulsive Eating, Thirty Days To Freedom. The message in that article is so profound that I planned to incorporate it into my Medifast program. I never really did though. I never made a firm committment to God to do this program to the best of my ability.
Well, today I am making that commitment to God. I am not afraid. I believe in myself, and I believe that I can do it.
I commit the below plan to God:
1) I will eat only the soups/shakes and water. Diet drinks will be consumed no more than once a week.
2) I will drink 64 ounces of water, as early in the day as possible, and I will finish in time to add about 20 more ounces. To stay on track, drink at least 16 ounces with each meal
3) I will run/walk at least 2 times a week. Choose regular days
4) I will weigh in on Mondays (only)
5) I will do quiet hour first thing in the morning
6) During weakest moments, pray first, and journal
7) The only exception to the above rules will be on October 29, my birthday
Today marks a new beginning for me, I am recommitting myself to the Medifast program, because somewhere down the line, I veered off track. Before starting this plan, I came across the site, Freedom You Compulsive Eating, Thirty Days To Freedom. The message in that article is so profound that I planned to incorporate it into my Medifast program. I never really did though. I never made a firm committment to God to do this program to the best of my ability.
Well, today I am making that commitment to God. I am not afraid. I believe in myself, and I believe that I can do it.
I commit the below plan to God:
1) I will eat only the soups/shakes and water. Diet drinks will be consumed no more than once a week.
2) I will drink 64 ounces of water, as early in the day as possible, and I will finish in time to add about 20 more ounces. To stay on track, drink at least 16 ounces with each meal
3) I will run/walk at least 2 times a week. Choose regular days
4) I will weigh in on Mondays (only)
5) I will do quiet hour first thing in the morning
6) During weakest moments, pray first, and journal
7) The only exception to the above rules will be on October 29, my birthday
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
much needed perspective
An unlikely source of encouragement-- my dad! He said not to worry about the scale. He said the weight is dropping and that people usually quit not realizing that a big loss was about to come. Well... something like that, but I got the message. It's a good thing because I really felt like I was at an impasse, and seriously did not know what to do. I thought about quitting. I was that disappointed.
Unfortunately, I ended up cheating anyway because like I said, we had a little get together for my dad's birthday. I refrained from carbs, only eating the barbecue chicken. It was OK. The main thing is for me to stay away from sugar/carbs.
I think I have the motivation now to continue, no matter what. I think I'll endulge in some low carb stuff later tonight, but starting tomorrow and onwards, full fast only. Time to get back in focus. I have to constantly remind myself of why I'm doing this.
Now, I would have preferred to write this next part in my other journal, but that site has been down for days. Today will be tough for me because I've made up my mind to essentially eliminate all contact with Tim. Yes, it will be very hard, but I have plenty of other people to distract me. I don't want nor do I need the stress that the situation with him has brought into my life. The best thing for me to do is to move on, and if he's still available when I'm ready, then maybe I'll see about it then. If he's not, then oh well. By the time I get to my goal weight, I'll be looking so good that it won't even matter what the hell he's doing.
Unfortunately, I ended up cheating anyway because like I said, we had a little get together for my dad's birthday. I refrained from carbs, only eating the barbecue chicken. It was OK. The main thing is for me to stay away from sugar/carbs.
I think I have the motivation now to continue, no matter what. I think I'll endulge in some low carb stuff later tonight, but starting tomorrow and onwards, full fast only. Time to get back in focus. I have to constantly remind myself of why I'm doing this.
Now, I would have preferred to write this next part in my other journal, but that site has been down for days. Today will be tough for me because I've made up my mind to essentially eliminate all contact with Tim. Yes, it will be very hard, but I have plenty of other people to distract me. I don't want nor do I need the stress that the situation with him has brought into my life. The best thing for me to do is to move on, and if he's still available when I'm ready, then maybe I'll see about it then. If he's not, then oh well. By the time I get to my goal weight, I'll be looking so good that it won't even matter what the hell he's doing.
Back to 159.5
The only thing I did different was eat some of the Medifast crackers.
At a time like this, when shedding the last 15 lbs is so important to me... This stall is mind boggling. Does my body believe that 140 or so is my goal weight? Because it's not! My goal weight is 120, and that means I still have about 40 lbs to lose. Why my losses would slow down so suddenly, for the past 3 weeks, is just confusing.
Not sure what to do now. Today, we have a surprise little get together for my father. I guess after I'm done typing this I will also throw together my 60 Days Notice To Vacate my apartment in Buckhead. Am I doing the right thing? Who knows? The price is pretty much unbeatable, but I found myself bored living there. I'm signing the place over to my sister (hopefully).
My sister began the Quick Weight Loss program last week. I looked at the meal plan, and asked her why she didn't just do low carb. That's essentially what the program is--low carb! But I hope she does well.
Again, I'm very frustrated. This stall could continue throughout this week. Then what? I need this weight gone, like yesterday! I guess it doesn't matter anymore, anyway. I spoke to Tim last night and he revealed another, more conceited side. He admitted that he has a lot of female friends, yet he insists that he is a faithful, loyal guy. As a scorpio, I think I'd be too paranoid to accept that. Perhaps we're better off just friends. If I wasn't fat now, I probably would have met him by now and it would have been too late.
At a time like this, when shedding the last 15 lbs is so important to me... This stall is mind boggling. Does my body believe that 140 or so is my goal weight? Because it's not! My goal weight is 120, and that means I still have about 40 lbs to lose. Why my losses would slow down so suddenly, for the past 3 weeks, is just confusing.
Not sure what to do now. Today, we have a surprise little get together for my father. I guess after I'm done typing this I will also throw together my 60 Days Notice To Vacate my apartment in Buckhead. Am I doing the right thing? Who knows? The price is pretty much unbeatable, but I found myself bored living there. I'm signing the place over to my sister (hopefully).
My sister began the Quick Weight Loss program last week. I looked at the meal plan, and asked her why she didn't just do low carb. That's essentially what the program is--low carb! But I hope she does well.
Again, I'm very frustrated. This stall could continue throughout this week. Then what? I need this weight gone, like yesterday! I guess it doesn't matter anymore, anyway. I spoke to Tim last night and he revealed another, more conceited side. He admitted that he has a lot of female friends, yet he insists that he is a faithful, loyal guy. As a scorpio, I think I'd be too paranoid to accept that. Perhaps we're better off just friends. If I wasn't fat now, I probably would have met him by now and it would have been too late.
Monday, September 13, 2004
My Body Listened to Me
Today marks the beginning of my 13th week. I have 12 weeks under my belt, and my grand loss is 51.5 pounds. I'm now 158.5, and I'm hoping for at least 10 lbs gone within the next two weeks. Nothing else matters to me.
I still wonder if the workouts might be causing stalls. 10 lbs lost in the past 4 weeks, which is only about 2.5 lbs a week. I'll stop the workouts and see what happens. Although, losing inches isn't bad either.
I think my weight loss might also become adversely affected by this obsession I have with that guy. I thought about him all day yesterday, but I called and accepted calls from my other friends to distract me.
I still wonder if the workouts might be causing stalls. 10 lbs lost in the past 4 weeks, which is only about 2.5 lbs a week. I'll stop the workouts and see what happens. Although, losing inches isn't bad either.
I think my weight loss might also become adversely affected by this obsession I have with that guy. I thought about him all day yesterday, but I called and accepted calls from my other friends to distract me.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
confused and sad
Well, luckily I'm talking to a friend right now who is encouraging me not to feel bad.
Yesterday, I did all the right things. I worked out for nearly 45 minutes, and I stayed full fast.
Today, I weighed in--first at 162. I stepped on the scale again two more times, in shock, until it finally read 161.5 (third try).
What did I do wrong? Was it the cheat from the night before? Was it the unusually long workout? Did I not drink enough water? I know the cheat from Friday couldn't have been that bad. Traditionally, I only gain 1 lb, and then lose it + an extra .5 to 1.5 lbs the next day.
I'm praying for a major loss next week. I might not even be able to say that I lost 50 lbs in 12 weeks (the completion of today will mark 12 weeks).
Yesterday, I did all the right things. I worked out for nearly 45 minutes, and I stayed full fast.
Today, I weighed in--first at 162. I stepped on the scale again two more times, in shock, until it finally read 161.5 (third try).
What did I do wrong? Was it the cheat from the night before? Was it the unusually long workout? Did I not drink enough water? I know the cheat from Friday couldn't have been that bad. Traditionally, I only gain 1 lb, and then lose it + an extra .5 to 1.5 lbs the next day.
I'm praying for a major loss next week. I might not even be able to say that I lost 50 lbs in 12 weeks (the completion of today will mark 12 weeks).
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Much needed motivation and encouragement
Last night, my friend and I decided to dress up all cute and go out. We were going to go to a club, but the cover charge was too high. So we went to a sports bar instead. I was pleasantly surprised at the attention I received from the men. I'm on my way! I'm so happy.
Like I said, last night I slipped up and at some food. This morning, I was resolved to working out. Got a 43 minute walk/run session. Worked out with my friend. She's in much better shape than I am so that pushed me a little harder. I was so exhausted when I came back.
This morning I woke up feeling as if I'd lost 5 lbs, but I didn't weigh in (why spoil the delusion?). I think this upcoming week my put me back in the game!
Like I said, last night I slipped up and at some food. This morning, I was resolved to working out. Got a 43 minute walk/run session. Worked out with my friend. She's in much better shape than I am so that pushed me a little harder. I was so exhausted when I came back.
This morning I woke up feeling as if I'd lost 5 lbs, but I didn't weigh in (why spoil the delusion?). I think this upcoming week my put me back in the game!
Friday, September 10, 2004
Failed again
Very bad day... so bad, I was sure I'd be fired.
Came home. Saw pizza on the counter. Grabbed two slices. Made wings.
I'm here feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could meet Tim but I'm still too fat. Why can't 20 pounds magically melt off?
I'm going to get out tonight, but it's going to be with a female friend. My hair is a mess. I'm sad.
Came home. Saw pizza on the counter. Grabbed two slices. Made wings.
I'm here feeling sorry for myself. I wish I could meet Tim but I'm still too fat. Why can't 20 pounds magically melt off?
I'm going to get out tonight, but it's going to be with a female friend. My hair is a mess. I'm sad.
Frustrated? Yeah...
Weighed in today at 160. Oh well, only a half pound difference-- BUT IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!!!
Seems like when I really need to lose this weight the most, everything stops working! Next week better be a 10 lb loss. Dammitt!
Seems like when I really need to lose this weight the most, everything stops working! Next week better be a 10 lb loss. Dammitt!
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Stuck at 159.5
For past few days... Slightly frustrated, but it is that time of month so I won't get too upset. I really have a crush on that guy now... I couldn't stay away. He seems like such a sweetheart. He is OK with waiting to meet me.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
159.5!
The 160s finally let me go... Despite me adding food for the past two days... Despite my period arriving. I was going to avoid weighing in until next Monday. So glad to be out the 160s but I won't weigh in tomorrow simply because my weight may be due to me staying up virtually all night long (till around 4am, now it's 7:51am). I'll give my body the chance to really catch up with itself and hopefully see even more loss next time. So excited!
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