Fat and on the wrong track

Third day of outright lies to myself. Every day this week, I've told myself that I will be 100% full fast. And everyday this week, I've been a 100% glutton. I feel the same shame and heartache that I felt a couple months ago. I'm a failure. I'm actually embarassed about going out again. I couldn't even bring myself to weigh in today. Was it really just last week when I was weighing 157? It seems like so long ago... Like a previous lifetime...

I think the problem is that I should have taken my fat lazy @ss out running like I planned to for the past 5 days. I talk myself out of it each time and I guess that opens the door for me to disregard everything else I plan in regards to my fitness and wellbeing.

I have to get back on track. I'm inching up towards 170. That is not a good look for me. I really blew it. I'll never be able to meet Tim, and I don't think I want to anymore. Not after this. I wish I could just take off work and everything until I straightened this situation out. I'm sinking fast. I'm not in control of my actions, or at least it doesn't seem that way. All the time I thought I was outsmarting my food addiction, "it" was lying back, laughing, and I guess waiting for the opportunity to send me crashing down. It is stronger than me, obviously. I start to think and talk myself into cheating early in the morning. It grates on me and grates on me, and while I'm thinking about doing it, the disease tells me, "It won't be bad, just get back on track tomorrow. You need a break..." But the feelings I get afterward make the whole inexperience simple not worth it. I hate the way I'm feeling right now: Fat and on the wrong track.

Well, dammitt, if I'm going to be eating like a pig I need to at least get up and exercise in the morning!!

Sincerely,
Disgusted in Atlanta

Trying Again...

The Ready To Drink shakes arrived last night. I also ordered soup that came as well. I'm sipping it now, and as I suspected, it's going to take a while to get used to. It doesn't have the thick, shake like texture that I prefer, and it is in one of my least favorite flavors.

Yesterday didn't go so well. I missed my 4:30pm shake, and then I immediately began to have thoughts about the food waiting at home. So it was a premeditated cheat.

I'm at 164. I'm a month behind, for sure. I really let myself down. No matter which way you look at it. I'm so sad.

I'm going full fast today, but I can't trust myself 100%. Who knows what today will bring? I'm turning 25 shortly and I still look a mess. I pray that God give me the strength to keep going.

A really bad weekend

I only managed to do 2 actual days on Stillman. The other 3 days were sort of "anything goes." I ate everything under the sun. Weighed in today at 164.5. My heart weeps knowing that this entire month was wasted. Ironically, had I stuck to full fast, I probably would have been at or near the 140s... and able to meet the guy I was so worried about. Did anxiety and fear of him cause this? Or was it the frequent stalls from earlier in the month that pushed me over the edge? I don't really know, or care; all I care about right now is moving forward.

I'm up pretty early in the morning, making a CD to run to. I'm so glad I ordered the Ready To Drink Medifast shakes. They should be here today, then I can start using them tomorrow--no matter what the taste. If they're disgusting, oh well. I'm just tired of spending so much time in the morning making shakes.

I'm very scared. I keep praying to God because I know how enthusiastically my alter ego is about screwing up my life and everything I've worked for. I've gained about 8 lbs from my lowest Medifast weight. My saboteur is hard at work now. I really need support. This is a matter of life or death though. I will probably return to Stillman but only after I've put this eating bug in check for a while. I'd say, one/two weeks.

Back to August 30 weight

I looked at my stats. I weighed 162 on August 30. That means I've made no progress all month, pretty much. I'm not leaving this house all weekend. I'll stay in forever if I have to. This month was horrific for me... An entire month wasted. I'm ashamed of myself, but hoping to get back on track soon. I have 26 days to lose 20 lbs so I can be at the same weight Oprah was at after she did Optifast for 4 months. I was doing so well...

Hopefully the Stillman plan will get me back on track. It's hard to imagine going back to the shakes fully after eating food. I think I'll try Stillman for as long as it works I guess...

up 5 lbs

From my lowest *recent* weight of 157. I decided to go ahead and do the Stillman plan until I get at or near 140. I change my mind constantly. I just had 4.5 slices of turkey, with 0 carbs. I'm going to try to keep the calorie count the same as what I did on the fast, and also continue with the 5 meals/day, every 3 to 4 hrs. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I guess I'll play around with it when I get into ketosis to see what approach is better. So far so good... the guilt is not killing me as much anymore. I was going to run this morning but got lazy. Hey, the weight will come off regardless so why should I stress myself out. I'm on a low calorie diet. One thing I have to make sure to do now is up my water intake to 80. I'm sure on most days I did 80 anyway, but the Stillman diet instructions insist that 80 oz is the minimum.

Panicking

I'm panicking right now. I'm wondering how far this eating spree I went on yesterday will set me back. I feel disrupted down to the very core. I still feel the food I ate lingering around. I took a laxative which I don't think is even going to work. Nevertheless, I don't want to go running yet because I'm not sure what will end up happening.

I never want to feel like this again. I will do the shakes today, since it will be a busy day for me. When I'm done with work tonight, I will cook and grill up the food I will eat for the next couple days. I forgot to get the sandwich bags, which make it easy for me to separate the foods and what not. To make it so bad, I felt my clothes melting off of me yesterday. It was as if I was losing inches as the day went by. There's no telling how far yesterday's actions will set me back.

Once again, I have to forgive myself or there is no way for me to move on. My journey is nowhere near over, and everything I do is a learning experience. I now know better than to just keep eating for eating sake. I was actually full, but I kept pushing myself to eat simply because I wanted to "get it all in" before resuming plan 100%. That is unacceptable and childish.

I'm pretty much accepting that I'm probably around 165 right now. Don't think I want to get on the scale and confirm it though. I just needed to express my feelings, which are really low at this point...

I probably weigh...

Close to 165 right now. I ate all day long. Non stop. Pure carbs. Also, I'm a hypocrite. Went back on my word about staying away from sweets. Turns out, the more you eat, the more cravings you get for sugar. I learned something new.

But tomorrow, I think I'm going to go ahead and start on Stillman. I'm really ready for something different. I think I'm going to enjoy grilling the different meats and eating them. I'm really scared of what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm ready to take it like a woman!!

Not so good

Yesterday evening, I lost it again. I don't know if it was the constant undermining of my program by others or stress, or the fact that I broke my promise to myself and talked to Tim again. Whatever it was, I ended up finishing up the Medifast bars (3), 2 packs of Medifast crackers, a little bit of corn beef, and a few ounces of ham. Woke up this morning to a 2 lb weight gain, but that's not it. I started off today with ham, and I'm planning a wing escapade. I'm just so stressed. I think I need to try something new, yet I ordered over 300 dollars worth of product yesterday (270 ready to drinks!!). The 270 ready to drinks should last about 3 months since I usually only drink 3 shakes a day, and do soups for the other two meals. My mom is already trying to buy them from me though. Maybe I'll just get her to order her own so we can both take advantage of the sale.

Yeah, but what I was thinking about was doing a 0-carb week to break the monotony of the shakes and this horrible plateau. All lean chicken & fish, with no fat. I cannot stay on plan these days. I'm extremely bored... My attention span is very short, and it's mind boggling to think that I've stayed on plan for this long... I've been on this plan for 95 days, 12 of those days included food, the rest, full fast... I feel as though it might be time for me to move on.... Not sure what to do now...

Updated: Actually, I've made up my mind. Today I will splurge a little, then I will do 1 to 2 weeks of the Stillman Diet (plateau buster). Then I will ease my way back onto the Medifast plan. I will go shopping for the food tonight. Hopefully this isn't the nail that seals my coffin. LOL. On second thought, maybe I can do 3 more days of Medifast (Friday, Sat, Sun) to get back into ketosis and take off the excess weight, then, begin Stillman on Monday? I'm trying to figure out what will give me the maximum loss... Something to think about, because if I jump into Stillman tomorrow, then I might lose some ground in that I didn't have the benefit of starting at a smaller weight? If that makes much sense... We'll see!

In other news... I may not have changed much when it comes to overeating and self sabotoge, but one thing that I've truly changed in (at least for now) is my desire for sugary treats and snacks. I'm no longer interested. The things I want to splurge on are low carb meats, etc. Maybe it's because the shakes had the right amount of sugar to keep me balanced... I'm not sure. All I know is, the thought of buying a nice slice of (fill in the blank) and eating it is pretty much in the same category as eating rat poisoning right now. I hate what it does to me emotionally and physically. Right now, I feel as though I could give those desserts up for life. They're just not worth it.

Yet Another Update... OK, I just did some calculations and see that my period is coming next week! It was just here, was it not?! So that throws a major wrench in my plans. I must abort this mission, and postpone... Full fast until my period goes away. Another benefit to waiting is to squeeze out as much of the effectiveness of Medifast before switching temporarily. The Medifast program has really run out of steam. I bet I'll still be the same weight two weeks from now.

157

Actually, the two week trial I committed to is turning out to be perfect in keeping me focused. I know I can do anything for two weeks. I know I can be cheat free for two weeks. The key is, to avoid people who trigger my cravings and/or annoy me. Hopefully when the two weeks are up I'll be able to convince myself to go for another two weeks.

I actually got up and ran today. That was good, although I had nowhere near the amount of endurance I had last time I ran. Yep, the carbs are all gone! That's for sure. I should be in ketosis now.

In my Food Addicts book, it mentioned that food addicts are advised not to weigh in more than once a month. Well, once a month might be too hard for me, but how does once a week sound? That's hard enough. If I can get to the "weigh once a week" point, maybe I can eventually up it to two weeks, three weeks, and then a month. That doesn't seem very likely though. Today I'm looking good. I'm fitting back into some old clothes. Not looking quite as good as I did back then, but getting damned close!

157.5

Lost 1.5 lbs yesterday. I have a feeling this will be a great week. I was torn on whether or not to exercise this morning. I found out I have to leave a lot earlier than usual. I'm also really desperate to see major losses on the scale. I think I'll play it by ear. Little or no loss tomorrow? I'll run again. Major loss again? I won't. It sounds ridiculous but that is the point I'm at now!

Those bars are trouble!

Today I weighed in at 159. So basically, I haven't really progressed in over two weeks. That's fine. Everyone needs a break sometime, although I sure picked the worst timing. I want this weight off NOW!! So out goes the games, and in comes seriousness.

One of the driving forces in my cheats of late have been the Medifast Chocolate Bars--- Peanut Butter and I think Chocolate. I've had 2, sometimes 3 at a time. I have to try to resist the bars. No, I MUST resist the bars. The temptation is always there because the bars are officially allowed (one per day). The problem is, when I use that reasoning, things always spiral out of control.

Yes, the bars are allowed but apparently I'm not strong enough to leave it at just one. I end up eating the bar, then to make it so bad, I actually begin eating other stuff too! I have to promise myself that if I ever get too close to the bars, that I will throw them away. Even though they aren't mine! LOL

So, if I know what's good for me, and I truly want to remain on plan... I have to give up the bars. Indefinitely. That's just the way it goes. Those bars are no different than pure carbs for me.

Update: Well, it's almost 6pm and I'm still maintaining control. Today was very unproductive for me, in all other aspects of my life. Thoughts of dieting and losing weight dominate me. I can't focus on anything else. The bottom line is, I have to overcome this problem. It's taken up too much of my life already. I'm ready to put it behind me. Everytime I go downstairs, my resolve towards this program is put in jeopardy. I really am weak, yet I know I must continue if I want to keep losing weight. I need to lost at least 20 more pounds before I can afford to slack off and play games. Lord, please help me to do that.

What I really would like to do is put my all into the program, at least for the next two weeks. If I am still stalled at that point I may look into other options. So on with the two week trial...

Things are looking up

Today I got up early and ran as planned. I was actually able to run for 15 minutes straight, I guess from all the readily available carbs I have floating around my body.

Then I went to church, and I think I looked pretty cute! I've been full fast the entire day, despite barbecue floating around. I keep track of the days when I'm full fast, and not full fast. Turns out that this week, I ate food literally every other day. My full fast rate was 57% so technically I did win the battle of the bulge for the week, barely.

Hopefully I can keep up the running for the next two weeks. I'm sure that would make a HUGE difference in my body appearance, even if my weight stays the same. I feel much more positive today. Glad to have made it through. I almost ended up being forced to go to a restaurant today after church but luckily the guys had the NFL on their mind. So I was saved by football. Ciao!

Forgiveness

I'm sitting here thinking...

It's funny how some people around me are now encouraging me to eat. My mother actually had the nerve to tell me that I had lost enough and didn't need to lose any more (keep in mind I'm about 5'1", and weighing about 160 pounds!!). Another friend decided that I needed to get medical attention ASAP, because losing 50 lbs so quickly was simply not safe for my heart. Nevermind that I'm 24 in almost perfect health. I'm sure gaining 70 lbs in less than 2 years was OK, and I should have kept it that way?! Yet, these are the same people who couldn't resist informing me about how fat I was getting when I tipped the scales at over 200 pounds.

The bottom line is, I'm all I have. The only person I can depend on to look out for my best interest is myself. With such characters swarming around, its not surprising that I would slip every now and then. I'm not making excuses for myself, because my behavior of late has been unacceptable. But what I'm trying to do, is to forgive myself. I made a mistake. I'm not perfect. Being upset and feeling hopeless will make it that much harder to get back on track. I'm going to dust myself off, get back up, and keep going. I forgive myself.

Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up early and run. I'll try to do that every day this week, but oh well if I don't. I'm not going to keep beating up on myself. I think I've done an excellent job so far. It's going to be OK. This is not a crisis... it will only be one if I make it into one. I can get back on track. Whatever happens, I cannot and will not conduct myself the way Oprah did. This is not the end. This is just life.

heading towards rock bottom

I hope I can stop the plummet here. I'm like hanging on to the balcony for dear life. I'm on a downward spiral, that's for sure. Let's see, I've cheated just about every other day this week. Why? Why when I'm so close to where I'm going?

True, I had a very bad week... Got chewed out by the boss, and basically have to ignore the feelings I have for someone. I just don't want to gain all the weight back. I feel devastated. I've been at this place before... I'm desperate. How in the world am I going to stay on plan? I can't trust myself! Tonight I actually ordered food and had it delivered to my place. I should have never broke Golden Rule #3(never eat food in the home). This situation is out of control now. The only thing that can stop me now is divine intervention, because I have become powerless again. It's mind boggling to think that I would jeopardize my progress like this, after all I've been through.

If I was looking at myself from an outside viewpoint, I would definitely wonder what was so hard about getting back on plan. Maybe I can try that tomorrow--to conduct myself based on the advice I would give someone else in my situation. REally, the solution is very simple--GET BACK ON PLAN!! What is wrong with me???? Do I have to get my jaws wired shut?? Take hunger suppressants? Anti depressants? What??!!! This has GOT to stop!!!

OK, I'll try this again. I don't want to get to the point where my word is completely meaningless in my eyes. I want to be able to make plans, and know that I will carry through. Tomorrow is a new day (I'm actually in tomorrow right now, but then that would mean I've already cheated for the day, so for my purposes I will still consider now Saturday). Tomorrow I won't give in so easily. I will duke it out with the devil next time. He is trying to steal my joy-- I can't let that happen. I'm already beginning to feel bad about myself. Tomorrow, 5 supplements, no excuses. NO EXCUSES!!! The worst part about all of this is that the food wasn't even that good! It NEVER is....

I made it through yesterday

Despite being offered some of my favorite food. I rejected the food, and continued on plan, 100%. I'm not at home now, I'm at my friend's house. Actually, I'm a little pissed off at this situtation. He invites me over to spend the weekend. I didn't want to but he insists. Then he tells me that he is taking part in a Cards Tournament today, so basically, because I didn't feel like waking up early, I'm going to be stuck here all day. Alone. Unless I leave of course, but there is nowhere to go that I know of. Maybe I'll check out some nearby stores. Oh well, at least there is nothing in this apartment for me to eat. Refrigerator and cabinets are completely empty...

Looking back...

I think I'm starting to understand why I've fallen off balance mentally...

For weeks, I lived in a dream world. Just imagining myself with the perfect man, at the perfect weight. I literally day dreamed all day long. Didn't really participate in the real world much. So, when I crossed that line and met this guy who seemed like the man of my dreams, I was yanked out of my fantasy world, into the real world. The real world, where I was not thin and beautiful--but fat! I need to get back to the point where I'm envisioning myself thin so because it pushes me to take the program seriously.

Taking it one hour/meal at a time today

My friend wants me to spend the weekend with him but I'm not sure if that's a good idea since my standing on this plan is very shaky. I'd have to pack up a bunch of shakes but it still makes me nervous to be away. Today will make or break me. I have to get clean, for at least a week. I didn't weigh in today, though I was really tempted to. I just don't want to start the yo yo cycle of weighing in, getting depressed, then eating.

I've still lost at least 48 lbs I'm sure. That's nothing to scoff at. I just have to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep on moving. I don't need to get all scared now. I've come too far to turn back. The only person I'm making a promise to now is myself.

This plan is for me... nobody else...

really low

I survived yesterday, but I found it to be very hard.

I survived today... until later in the evening. It all went downhill when I ate a Medifast bar. From that point, I had two more. Then I ate crackers, then I ate ham. I was totally out of control. I broke the promise I made to God. I guess it was just too much for me to handle. I don't know what to do now. I feel out of control.

A New Beginning

I ended up eating even more last night. I weighed in today at 160.5. I was out of control, but it was with the Medifast supplements mainly. I stole two packets of my mom's crackers, and one of her candy bars. LOL. Then I snuck a piece of garlic bread (it was nasty). Later, I began to think, why do I not even take a moment to think before I fly into those hungry rages? Well, the problem is that I don't do a good job of building up my resolve and my faith beforehand. If you don't take the time to meditate and reflect, then that store of courage will be unavailable to you when you need it most.

Today marks a new beginning for me, I am recommitting myself to the Medifast program, because somewhere down the line, I veered off track. Before starting this plan, I came across the site, Freedom You Compulsive Eating, Thirty Days To Freedom. The message in that article is so profound that I planned to incorporate it into my Medifast program. I never really did though. I never made a firm committment to God to do this program to the best of my ability.

Well, today I am making that commitment to God. I am not afraid. I believe in myself, and I believe that I can do it.

I commit the below plan to God:
1) I will eat only the soups/shakes and water. Diet drinks will be consumed no more than once a week.
2) I will drink 64 ounces of water, as early in the day as possible, and I will finish in time to add about 20 more ounces. To stay on track, drink at least 16 ounces with each meal
3) I will run/walk at least 2 times a week. Choose regular days
4) I will weigh in on Mondays (only)
5) I will do quiet hour first thing in the morning
6) During weakest moments, pray first, and journal
7) The only exception to the above rules will be on October 29, my birthday

much needed perspective

An unlikely source of encouragement-- my dad! He said not to worry about the scale. He said the weight is dropping and that people usually quit not realizing that a big loss was about to come. Well... something like that, but I got the message. It's a good thing because I really felt like I was at an impasse, and seriously did not know what to do. I thought about quitting. I was that disappointed.

Unfortunately, I ended up cheating anyway because like I said, we had a little get together for my dad's birthday. I refrained from carbs, only eating the barbecue chicken. It was OK. The main thing is for me to stay away from sugar/carbs.

I think I have the motivation now to continue, no matter what. I think I'll endulge in some low carb stuff later tonight, but starting tomorrow and onwards, full fast only. Time to get back in focus. I have to constantly remind myself of why I'm doing this.

Now, I would have preferred to write this next part in my other journal, but that site has been down for days. Today will be tough for me because I've made up my mind to essentially eliminate all contact with Tim. Yes, it will be very hard, but I have plenty of other people to distract me. I don't want nor do I need the stress that the situation with him has brought into my life. The best thing for me to do is to move on, and if he's still available when I'm ready, then maybe I'll see about it then. If he's not, then oh well. By the time I get to my goal weight, I'll be looking so good that it won't even matter what the hell he's doing.