I left my scale behind and haven't weighed myself in months. It's probably better that way. I know that if I do what's right I will be where I need to be soon. That's all the matters. This journey requires diligence. Summer is approaching, and for the first time in 7 years, I would like to be a fox-- during the summer that is. My weight loss pattern has been a big loss in the fall, then a gain in the winter that continues throughout the summer until fall.
I spent a good portion of yesterday arguing with a "know it all" who kept going on and on about how "diets don't work." I told him that diets do work, the question is whether the person will stay on the diet until the end, and maintain the weight loss when the goal is reached. What I did was quit the diet and go back to binging. NO matter what type of lifestyle I'm leading, if I overeat, then I will gain weight. He raised some good points, and I do agree with some of what he said about making foods less taboo, but for now, I have a goal that I want to reach. I told him that if I fail again, I will gladly do his plan (because at that point I'd be at rock bottom). To make matters worse, the jerk gave me a cold! I am really, really sick now. I don't know if its a cold or the flu. Rarely do I get colds, and this cold medicine does not seem to be working at all.
I'm so through with men. Until I learn to stand up for myself and not place another person's needs above my own, then I need to stay single.
Monday, January 31, 2005
Sunday, January 30, 2005
change has strengthened my resolve
I have come to the realization that I am extremely blessed. I finally had the courage to quit my job. Also, I finally passed the Road Test. Didn't think I ever would. I am so thankful to God for that, and of course, the instructor who gave me the chance (my parking skills weren't so good). ON TOP OF THAT, I purchased the car model that I really wanted.
So why on earth would I not be content? There are so many people who would gladly trade places with me---I now have my own town house, a beautiful car, and my health. All I have to do is lose weight. That is simple compared to what other people face. There are soldiers dying, people starving, dying from diseases--and here I am acting like losing 50 lbs is impossible. It finally hit me, and my resolve is strong. I know this entry is somewhat jumbled. I just had to express what I was feeling.
So why on earth would I not be content? There are so many people who would gladly trade places with me---I now have my own town house, a beautiful car, and my health. All I have to do is lose weight. That is simple compared to what other people face. There are soldiers dying, people starving, dying from diseases--and here I am acting like losing 50 lbs is impossible. It finally hit me, and my resolve is strong. I know this entry is somewhat jumbled. I just had to express what I was feeling.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
The answer to the question: Does Medifast Really Work?
Yes, Medifast does really work. In a little over 9 weeks, I lost 60 pounds and was racing towards my goal weight. Medifast worked. But what didn't work was my self esteem and my resolve. The confidence and pride to realize that I deserved to be thin and happy.
Well, a lot has happened. I purchased my very own home which I am at right now as I type. It took a while, but now there is absolutely nothing in my home that is edible that does not say "Medifast" on the cover. I haven't taken a peek at the damage I've done over the past few weeks while eating out of control. But I know its bad because my clothes are not fitting the same. Last night I looked at myself and felt disgust. See, the thing about me is that I am not able to eat normally. No matter how hard I try. This is not something that just began to happen--I've always had a problem with putting the fork down. Even as a child. Why? I don't know. But I do know that when I'm doing something low carb that insanity is relieved---up until the time when I decide to take that "first bite."
Anyhow, I can't ramble on too much because I have a lot of work to do. I'm just glad to be back, and I am determined now to get this done. My self esteem is shot, and if I continue on like this, I will never enter another healthy relationship again. When it comes to men, I want to be able to choose from the cream of the crop, not from the barrel of unwanted losers. I've realized this firmly in my mind over the past few weeks--I NEED to lose weight if I ever want that dream life. I'm 25, and will turn 26 in October. I'm not getting any younger. I have to trim down ASAP and start dating again (maybe later in the year when I'm set in my routine). Then maybe have one child, and live happily ever after. The fat is keeping me from doing this---I MUST LOSE THE FAT!
Well, a lot has happened. I purchased my very own home which I am at right now as I type. It took a while, but now there is absolutely nothing in my home that is edible that does not say "Medifast" on the cover. I haven't taken a peek at the damage I've done over the past few weeks while eating out of control. But I know its bad because my clothes are not fitting the same. Last night I looked at myself and felt disgust. See, the thing about me is that I am not able to eat normally. No matter how hard I try. This is not something that just began to happen--I've always had a problem with putting the fork down. Even as a child. Why? I don't know. But I do know that when I'm doing something low carb that insanity is relieved---up until the time when I decide to take that "first bite."
Anyhow, I can't ramble on too much because I have a lot of work to do. I'm just glad to be back, and I am determined now to get this done. My self esteem is shot, and if I continue on like this, I will never enter another healthy relationship again. When it comes to men, I want to be able to choose from the cream of the crop, not from the barrel of unwanted losers. I've realized this firmly in my mind over the past few weeks--I NEED to lose weight if I ever want that dream life. I'm 25, and will turn 26 in October. I'm not getting any younger. I have to trim down ASAP and start dating again (maybe later in the year when I'm set in my routine). Then maybe have one child, and live happily ever after. The fat is keeping me from doing this---I MUST LOSE THE FAT!
Saturday, December 04, 2004
I've been off the bandwagon for over two months now
I just want to clarify to anyone who may be interested in trying Medifast--Medifast really works. The problem I struggle with, however, and have always struggled with, is compulsive overeating. I've struggled with overeating all my life. When I was younger, it didn't matter much because my metabolism and activity level was high. All hell broke loose once I tried to "check" my overeating tendencies.
Well...where do I go from here? My closing date for my new house is actually moved up to 12/20. I want to move into my new home slimmer and in control of what I'm trying to do. Once its just me, I'll have nobody to blame but myself for what I put into my mouth. I will go into seclusion and keep all sugars away.
Taken from Food for Thought, Daily Meditations For Overeaters:
For the compulsive overeater, there is always one primary choice to be made. Will I abstain or will I overeat? For us, there is nothing in between. If we have hundreds of pounds to lose or if we have reached and are maintaining our goal weight, the choice is still the same. It is the key decision we make many, many times each day
We are free at each moment to choose which we will do. There is no magic which will make us abstain, and there is no force which can compel us to swallow food we do not need. The choice is ours alone.
No one graduates from OA. There is no point at which one can say, "This is it. I've got it made now." We are always aware of the fact that we are compulsive overeaters and are always one bite away from a binge. When we remember that abstaining or overeating is our primary choice, then other decisions become easier. To abstain is to choose life. To overeat is to choose death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May I maintain constant awareness of my primary choice.
Well...where do I go from here? My closing date for my new house is actually moved up to 12/20. I want to move into my new home slimmer and in control of what I'm trying to do. Once its just me, I'll have nobody to blame but myself for what I put into my mouth. I will go into seclusion and keep all sugars away.
Taken from Food for Thought, Daily Meditations For Overeaters:
For the compulsive overeater, there is always one primary choice to be made. Will I abstain or will I overeat? For us, there is nothing in between. If we have hundreds of pounds to lose or if we have reached and are maintaining our goal weight, the choice is still the same. It is the key decision we make many, many times each day
We are free at each moment to choose which we will do. There is no magic which will make us abstain, and there is no force which can compel us to swallow food we do not need. The choice is ours alone.
No one graduates from OA. There is no point at which one can say, "This is it. I've got it made now." We are always aware of the fact that we are compulsive overeaters and are always one bite away from a binge. When we remember that abstaining or overeating is our primary choice, then other decisions become easier. To abstain is to choose life. To overeat is to choose death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May I maintain constant awareness of my primary choice.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
I really did fall off the skyscraper
I remember the first night when I decided to eat real food, despite my attempt to be full fast. The next morning, in my Daily Food Meditation guide, it said something to the effect of, "Once you cheat, you have effectually jumped off the roof of a skyscraper building. You may not hit the ground immediately, but you are surely on a downward spiral." The book could not have been more right. Over time, my cheats increased and increased--bringing back to the point of being completely and hopelessly out of control. I've been able to hold it down up to the 160 pt every now and then, then I eat out of control again. Who knows what I weigh now. I'm too afraid to find out. Today, I've had 2 RTD Vanilla shakes so far. They are so disgusting, but I'm hoping that someway, somehow, I can get through the day without cheating.
I'm so weak, I don't even question any food put before me--I just eat first and think about it later. I've let myself down. Next week was supposed to mark 5 months on the program--if I had stayed on plan, I might have been at or very close to my goal weight. Instead, I'm still in the unacceptable 160s. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry. I've lost control of my actions, it seems. I can't get myself to do anything--not even to workout anymore. The bike hasn't been used since that first day.
If I could only hurry up and move back to my own place. The mortgage company still has me up in the air--I'm worried sick about it. But once I move, I can control everything that comes into my home. I'll have no choice but to stay on plan. No car, no roommates, and, yes, it seems, no more real friends. I'll be left alone and with nothing but the shakes (literally, cuz it'll be cold and I'm not going to keep the house that warm).
But as for today, I'm taking it one shake at a time. I need a power greater than myself to keep me on track today...
I'm so weak, I don't even question any food put before me--I just eat first and think about it later. I've let myself down. Next week was supposed to mark 5 months on the program--if I had stayed on plan, I might have been at or very close to my goal weight. Instead, I'm still in the unacceptable 160s. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry. I've lost control of my actions, it seems. I can't get myself to do anything--not even to workout anymore. The bike hasn't been used since that first day.
If I could only hurry up and move back to my own place. The mortgage company still has me up in the air--I'm worried sick about it. But once I move, I can control everything that comes into my home. I'll have no choice but to stay on plan. No car, no roommates, and, yes, it seems, no more real friends. I'll be left alone and with nothing but the shakes (literally, cuz it'll be cold and I'm not going to keep the house that warm).
But as for today, I'm taking it one shake at a time. I need a power greater than myself to keep me on track today...
Monday, November 01, 2004
It feels so good to be back
It is / was a nightmare. Up until early September, I was very much in control of my destiny. But then I voluntarily placed myself on an emotional rollercoaster---all because of a man. Now I see why the 12 step programs warn us to refrain from romantic relationships, etc. during recovery. During the weeks I've been gone from the blog, I was eating out of control. I actually returned to the 170s! I felt like all hope was gone....
Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.
So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.
Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.
One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!
I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.
Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.
So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.
Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.
One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!
I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
The thoughts begin early in the day
And they continue to torment me until I give in. So far I'm on track. I ran like I planned, and I ate a Medifast supplement for breakfast. But I'm already getting cravings for something--anything--from wings to Subway. I will try my best to pray. That's all I can do now... depend on a Higher Power.
I'm completely out of control. Left unchecked, I would find my way back up to 210 and higher. I'm like a crack addict... Struggling through detox. How much easier this might be if I was in a maximum security hospital where Medifast was my only option for food. How will I get past this? At the very least, I want to lose 10 or so pounds before my birthday. Can I at least focus long enough to do that??? One can only hope...
I'm completely out of control. Left unchecked, I would find my way back up to 210 and higher. I'm like a crack addict... Struggling through detox. How much easier this might be if I was in a maximum security hospital where Medifast was my only option for food. How will I get past this? At the very least, I want to lose 10 or so pounds before my birthday. Can I at least focus long enough to do that??? One can only hope...
Don't know if I'll ever get it together
Another day off Medifast. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it together. I say one thing, then do another. I'm lost. Planning to challenge myself up until my birthday by running every morning and staying full fast. My clothing size is around 10, and was getting smaller. I am slowly throwing it all away though. I'm scared and feel helpless. I'm not in control of my life.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
The food downstairs
smells really good...
But I had to think long and hard before concluding that I really don't want to weigh in tomorrow at a higher weight than I am now. It's just not worth it to go on that emotional roller coaster again.
But I had to think long and hard before concluding that I really don't want to weigh in tomorrow at a higher weight than I am now. It's just not worth it to go on that emotional roller coaster again.
Back on track
Weighed in today at 156.5. What a pleasant surprise. I hope the 2 lbs a day trend continues. I'm so grateful to have made it this far. It's so hard getting back on after failing. Let's see how much I can lose between now and my birthday (which is 24 days away!).
Monday, October 04, 2004
back to 158.5
I've been extremely sore all weekend because I reorganized my room all by myself--didn't have the patience to wait for help. I also jogged on Saturday and Sunday. So when I woke up this morning, I noticed that my rings were tight on my fingers and I figured I gained weight. But the scale said 158.5, 2 lbs down. Today I decided to take it easy. My body needs to heal, seriously.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Cleaned my act up, although I had a close call today
Any food addict or person trying to lose weight knows the panicked and confused feeling you get when you're out with people and someone brings up the brilliant idea to go and get something to eat. Well, I might have been too weak to save myself, but luckily others were too busy to take part. So now I'm back home, in the safety of my room, and holding on, hour by hour. Today is my second day. I was off track the whole time since my last entry.
What happened was, yesterday, I was going to avoid weighing in, and I was going to just go ahead and eat "normally" (binge) for the weekend, and then start all over on Monday. But I became really curious about my weight, and braced myself for what I thought would be a number at or close to 170. To my shock and amazement, the scale read 161. That was all that was needed to get me back on track. The knowledge that all is really not lost. I truly felt fat, but my gain was only 4 lbs. I can lose that by the end of next week, I'm sure.
So here I am, September truly was a waste. But it was a learning experience. I am really behind now, but it's OK. At least I'll keep moving forward.
What happened was, yesterday, I was going to avoid weighing in, and I was going to just go ahead and eat "normally" (binge) for the weekend, and then start all over on Monday. But I became really curious about my weight, and braced myself for what I thought would be a number at or close to 170. To my shock and amazement, the scale read 161. That was all that was needed to get me back on track. The knowledge that all is really not lost. I truly felt fat, but my gain was only 4 lbs. I can lose that by the end of next week, I'm sure.
So here I am, September truly was a waste. But it was a learning experience. I am really behind now, but it's OK. At least I'll keep moving forward.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Fat and on the wrong track
Third day of outright lies to myself. Every day this week, I've told myself that I will be 100% full fast. And everyday this week, I've been a 100% glutton. I feel the same shame and heartache that I felt a couple months ago. I'm a failure. I'm actually embarassed about going out again. I couldn't even bring myself to weigh in today. Was it really just last week when I was weighing 157? It seems like so long ago... Like a previous lifetime...
I think the problem is that I should have taken my fat lazy @ss out running like I planned to for the past 5 days. I talk myself out of it each time and I guess that opens the door for me to disregard everything else I plan in regards to my fitness and wellbeing.
I have to get back on track. I'm inching up towards 170. That is not a good look for me. I really blew it. I'll never be able to meet Tim, and I don't think I want to anymore. Not after this. I wish I could just take off work and everything until I straightened this situation out. I'm sinking fast. I'm not in control of my actions, or at least it doesn't seem that way. All the time I thought I was outsmarting my food addiction, "it" was lying back, laughing, and I guess waiting for the opportunity to send me crashing down. It is stronger than me, obviously. I start to think and talk myself into cheating early in the morning. It grates on me and grates on me, and while I'm thinking about doing it, the disease tells me, "It won't be bad, just get back on track tomorrow. You need a break..." But the feelings I get afterward make the whole inexperience simple not worth it. I hate the way I'm feeling right now: Fat and on the wrong track.
Well, dammitt, if I'm going to be eating like a pig I need to at least get up and exercise in the morning!!
Sincerely,
Disgusted in Atlanta
I think the problem is that I should have taken my fat lazy @ss out running like I planned to for the past 5 days. I talk myself out of it each time and I guess that opens the door for me to disregard everything else I plan in regards to my fitness and wellbeing.
I have to get back on track. I'm inching up towards 170. That is not a good look for me. I really blew it. I'll never be able to meet Tim, and I don't think I want to anymore. Not after this. I wish I could just take off work and everything until I straightened this situation out. I'm sinking fast. I'm not in control of my actions, or at least it doesn't seem that way. All the time I thought I was outsmarting my food addiction, "it" was lying back, laughing, and I guess waiting for the opportunity to send me crashing down. It is stronger than me, obviously. I start to think and talk myself into cheating early in the morning. It grates on me and grates on me, and while I'm thinking about doing it, the disease tells me, "It won't be bad, just get back on track tomorrow. You need a break..." But the feelings I get afterward make the whole inexperience simple not worth it. I hate the way I'm feeling right now: Fat and on the wrong track.
Well, dammitt, if I'm going to be eating like a pig I need to at least get up and exercise in the morning!!
Sincerely,
Disgusted in Atlanta
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Trying Again...
The Ready To Drink shakes arrived last night. I also ordered soup that came as well. I'm sipping it now, and as I suspected, it's going to take a while to get used to. It doesn't have the thick, shake like texture that I prefer, and it is in one of my least favorite flavors.
Yesterday didn't go so well. I missed my 4:30pm shake, and then I immediately began to have thoughts about the food waiting at home. So it was a premeditated cheat.
I'm at 164. I'm a month behind, for sure. I really let myself down. No matter which way you look at it. I'm so sad.
I'm going full fast today, but I can't trust myself 100%. Who knows what today will bring? I'm turning 25 shortly and I still look a mess. I pray that God give me the strength to keep going.
Yesterday didn't go so well. I missed my 4:30pm shake, and then I immediately began to have thoughts about the food waiting at home. So it was a premeditated cheat.
I'm at 164. I'm a month behind, for sure. I really let myself down. No matter which way you look at it. I'm so sad.
I'm going full fast today, but I can't trust myself 100%. Who knows what today will bring? I'm turning 25 shortly and I still look a mess. I pray that God give me the strength to keep going.
Monday, September 27, 2004
A really bad weekend
I only managed to do 2 actual days on Stillman. The other 3 days were sort of "anything goes." I ate everything under the sun. Weighed in today at 164.5. My heart weeps knowing that this entire month was wasted. Ironically, had I stuck to full fast, I probably would have been at or near the 140s... and able to meet the guy I was so worried about. Did anxiety and fear of him cause this? Or was it the frequent stalls from earlier in the month that pushed me over the edge? I don't really know, or care; all I care about right now is moving forward.
I'm up pretty early in the morning, making a CD to run to. I'm so glad I ordered the Ready To Drink Medifast shakes. They should be here today, then I can start using them tomorrow--no matter what the taste. If they're disgusting, oh well. I'm just tired of spending so much time in the morning making shakes.
I'm very scared. I keep praying to God because I know how enthusiastically my alter ego is about screwing up my life and everything I've worked for. I've gained about 8 lbs from my lowest Medifast weight. My saboteur is hard at work now. I really need support. This is a matter of life or death though. I will probably return to Stillman but only after I've put this eating bug in check for a while. I'd say, one/two weeks.
I'm up pretty early in the morning, making a CD to run to. I'm so glad I ordered the Ready To Drink Medifast shakes. They should be here today, then I can start using them tomorrow--no matter what the taste. If they're disgusting, oh well. I'm just tired of spending so much time in the morning making shakes.
I'm very scared. I keep praying to God because I know how enthusiastically my alter ego is about screwing up my life and everything I've worked for. I've gained about 8 lbs from my lowest Medifast weight. My saboteur is hard at work now. I really need support. This is a matter of life or death though. I will probably return to Stillman but only after I've put this eating bug in check for a while. I'd say, one/two weeks.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Back to August 30 weight
I looked at my stats. I weighed 162 on August 30. That means I've made no progress all month, pretty much. I'm not leaving this house all weekend. I'll stay in forever if I have to. This month was horrific for me... An entire month wasted. I'm ashamed of myself, but hoping to get back on track soon. I have 26 days to lose 20 lbs so I can be at the same weight Oprah was at after she did Optifast for 4 months. I was doing so well...
Hopefully the Stillman plan will get me back on track. It's hard to imagine going back to the shakes fully after eating food. I think I'll try Stillman for as long as it works I guess...
Hopefully the Stillman plan will get me back on track. It's hard to imagine going back to the shakes fully after eating food. I think I'll try Stillman for as long as it works I guess...
up 5 lbs
From my lowest *recent* weight of 157. I decided to go ahead and do the Stillman plan until I get at or near 140. I change my mind constantly. I just had 4.5 slices of turkey, with 0 carbs. I'm going to try to keep the calorie count the same as what I did on the fast, and also continue with the 5 meals/day, every 3 to 4 hrs. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I guess I'll play around with it when I get into ketosis to see what approach is better. So far so good... the guilt is not killing me as much anymore. I was going to run this morning but got lazy. Hey, the weight will come off regardless so why should I stress myself out. I'm on a low calorie diet. One thing I have to make sure to do now is up my water intake to 80. I'm sure on most days I did 80 anyway, but the Stillman diet instructions insist that 80 oz is the minimum.
Panicking
I'm panicking right now. I'm wondering how far this eating spree I went on yesterday will set me back. I feel disrupted down to the very core. I still feel the food I ate lingering around. I took a laxative which I don't think is even going to work. Nevertheless, I don't want to go running yet because I'm not sure what will end up happening.
I never want to feel like this again. I will do the shakes today, since it will be a busy day for me. When I'm done with work tonight, I will cook and grill up the food I will eat for the next couple days. I forgot to get the sandwich bags, which make it easy for me to separate the foods and what not. To make it so bad, I felt my clothes melting off of me yesterday. It was as if I was losing inches as the day went by. There's no telling how far yesterday's actions will set me back.
Once again, I have to forgive myself or there is no way for me to move on. My journey is nowhere near over, and everything I do is a learning experience. I now know better than to just keep eating for eating sake. I was actually full, but I kept pushing myself to eat simply because I wanted to "get it all in" before resuming plan 100%. That is unacceptable and childish.
I'm pretty much accepting that I'm probably around 165 right now. Don't think I want to get on the scale and confirm it though. I just needed to express my feelings, which are really low at this point...
I never want to feel like this again. I will do the shakes today, since it will be a busy day for me. When I'm done with work tonight, I will cook and grill up the food I will eat for the next couple days. I forgot to get the sandwich bags, which make it easy for me to separate the foods and what not. To make it so bad, I felt my clothes melting off of me yesterday. It was as if I was losing inches as the day went by. There's no telling how far yesterday's actions will set me back.
Once again, I have to forgive myself or there is no way for me to move on. My journey is nowhere near over, and everything I do is a learning experience. I now know better than to just keep eating for eating sake. I was actually full, but I kept pushing myself to eat simply because I wanted to "get it all in" before resuming plan 100%. That is unacceptable and childish.
I'm pretty much accepting that I'm probably around 165 right now. Don't think I want to get on the scale and confirm it though. I just needed to express my feelings, which are really low at this point...
Thursday, September 23, 2004
I probably weigh...
Close to 165 right now. I ate all day long. Non stop. Pure carbs. Also, I'm a hypocrite. Went back on my word about staying away from sweets. Turns out, the more you eat, the more cravings you get for sugar. I learned something new.
But tomorrow, I think I'm going to go ahead and start on Stillman. I'm really ready for something different. I think I'm going to enjoy grilling the different meats and eating them. I'm really scared of what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm ready to take it like a woman!!
But tomorrow, I think I'm going to go ahead and start on Stillman. I'm really ready for something different. I think I'm going to enjoy grilling the different meats and eating them. I'm really scared of what the scale will say tomorrow, but I'm ready to take it like a woman!!
Not so good
Yesterday evening, I lost it again. I don't know if it was the constant undermining of my program by others or stress, or the fact that I broke my promise to myself and talked to Tim again. Whatever it was, I ended up finishing up the Medifast bars (3), 2 packs of Medifast crackers, a little bit of corn beef, and a few ounces of ham. Woke up this morning to a 2 lb weight gain, but that's not it. I started off today with ham, and I'm planning a wing escapade. I'm just so stressed. I think I need to try something new, yet I ordered over 300 dollars worth of product yesterday (270 ready to drinks!!). The 270 ready to drinks should last about 3 months since I usually only drink 3 shakes a day, and do soups for the other two meals. My mom is already trying to buy them from me though. Maybe I'll just get her to order her own so we can both take advantage of the sale.
Yeah, but what I was thinking about was doing a 0-carb week to break the monotony of the shakes and this horrible plateau. All lean chicken & fish, with no fat. I cannot stay on plan these days. I'm extremely bored... My attention span is very short, and it's mind boggling to think that I've stayed on plan for this long... I've been on this plan for 95 days, 12 of those days included food, the rest, full fast... I feel as though it might be time for me to move on.... Not sure what to do now...
Updated: Actually, I've made up my mind. Today I will splurge a little, then I will do 1 to 2 weeks of the Stillman Diet (plateau buster). Then I will ease my way back onto the Medifast plan. I will go shopping for the food tonight. Hopefully this isn't the nail that seals my coffin. LOL. On second thought, maybe I can do 3 more days of Medifast (Friday, Sat, Sun) to get back into ketosis and take off the excess weight, then, begin Stillman on Monday? I'm trying to figure out what will give me the maximum loss... Something to think about, because if I jump into Stillman tomorrow, then I might lose some ground in that I didn't have the benefit of starting at a smaller weight? If that makes much sense... We'll see!
In other news... I may not have changed much when it comes to overeating and self sabotoge, but one thing that I've truly changed in (at least for now) is my desire for sugary treats and snacks. I'm no longer interested. The things I want to splurge on are low carb meats, etc. Maybe it's because the shakes had the right amount of sugar to keep me balanced... I'm not sure. All I know is, the thought of buying a nice slice of (fill in the blank) and eating it is pretty much in the same category as eating rat poisoning right now. I hate what it does to me emotionally and physically. Right now, I feel as though I could give those desserts up for life. They're just not worth it.
Yet Another Update... OK, I just did some calculations and see that my period is coming next week! It was just here, was it not?! So that throws a major wrench in my plans. I must abort this mission, and postpone... Full fast until my period goes away. Another benefit to waiting is to squeeze out as much of the effectiveness of Medifast before switching temporarily. The Medifast program has really run out of steam. I bet I'll still be the same weight two weeks from now.
Yeah, but what I was thinking about was doing a 0-carb week to break the monotony of the shakes and this horrible plateau. All lean chicken & fish, with no fat. I cannot stay on plan these days. I'm extremely bored... My attention span is very short, and it's mind boggling to think that I've stayed on plan for this long... I've been on this plan for 95 days, 12 of those days included food, the rest, full fast... I feel as though it might be time for me to move on.... Not sure what to do now...
Updated: Actually, I've made up my mind. Today I will splurge a little, then I will do 1 to 2 weeks of the Stillman Diet (plateau buster). Then I will ease my way back onto the Medifast plan. I will go shopping for the food tonight. Hopefully this isn't the nail that seals my coffin. LOL. On second thought, maybe I can do 3 more days of Medifast (Friday, Sat, Sun) to get back into ketosis and take off the excess weight, then, begin Stillman on Monday? I'm trying to figure out what will give me the maximum loss... Something to think about, because if I jump into Stillman tomorrow, then I might lose some ground in that I didn't have the benefit of starting at a smaller weight? If that makes much sense... We'll see!
In other news... I may not have changed much when it comes to overeating and self sabotoge, but one thing that I've truly changed in (at least for now) is my desire for sugary treats and snacks. I'm no longer interested. The things I want to splurge on are low carb meats, etc. Maybe it's because the shakes had the right amount of sugar to keep me balanced... I'm not sure. All I know is, the thought of buying a nice slice of (fill in the blank) and eating it is pretty much in the same category as eating rat poisoning right now. I hate what it does to me emotionally and physically. Right now, I feel as though I could give those desserts up for life. They're just not worth it.
Yet Another Update... OK, I just did some calculations and see that my period is coming next week! It was just here, was it not?! So that throws a major wrench in my plans. I must abort this mission, and postpone... Full fast until my period goes away. Another benefit to waiting is to squeeze out as much of the effectiveness of Medifast before switching temporarily. The Medifast program has really run out of steam. I bet I'll still be the same weight two weeks from now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)