OK, this situation has me a bit irritated. I feel like I just had a grease patty or something. I go downstairs, innocently, to make my shake, and there is a bunch of grilled food sitting on the countertop, within my path, within my reach. I was caught completely off guard.
Now who is to blame?
Well, I'm the one who ate the food... But would it hurt the people around me to show just a little compassion? Am I going through this alone?
Monday, September 06, 2004
broke two golden rules... blew it
I'm eating again, real food, for the second day in a row.
Both situations are the result of me not having my shakes/soups already made when they're needed (Golden Rule #1). Golden Rule #2- Never screw up two days in a row.
This is why I don't need to introduce men into my life right now. It just throws everything off track.
...In comes the guilt. I feel like throwing up. How could I be so weak? I didn't even take the time to even try to resist... No prayer, no shout for support. That is not the way its supposed to be. I'm just an emotional mess right now.
Both situations are the result of me not having my shakes/soups already made when they're needed (Golden Rule #1). Golden Rule #2- Never screw up two days in a row.
This is why I don't need to introduce men into my life right now. It just throws everything off track.
...In comes the guilt. I feel like throwing up. How could I be so weak? I didn't even take the time to even try to resist... No prayer, no shout for support. That is not the way its supposed to be. I'm just an emotional mess right now.
Nothing new to report
Except... this morning I was walking around the neighborhood and passed by an **extremely attractive** guy who was also working out. It was so unexpected that I had to look down immediately after waving "Hello." I should have checked out his ring finger!
Sunday, September 05, 2004
160s LET ME GO DAMMITT!
OK, I just got through looking at my stats and I see very clearly that the 160s really love me or something. Twice, while in the 160s, I've lost next to nothing while doing the full fast 100%! Hopefully next week will treat me as well as the week following the last time I lost nothing. I'd love to be at 156 come the end of next week. Something tells me that won't happen since "Aunt Flo" will be arriving in town. GRRRRR!!! FRUSTRATION... Yet, through the frustration, I still retain the common sense to understand that the weight I have lost is still a major blessing.
getting sloppy
At one point earlier in the week, I weighed in at 161. Then I gained and settled in at 162 all week long. Frustrated, I continued on plan, until Thursday, when I finally succumbed to the wings. They tasted awful, but I kept eating. I think I ate a total of 9. Then went on full fast the next two days. Then on Sunday (today), I had the wings again (about 7 this time).
I was just so hoping to get into the 150s this week. I guess I shouldn't expect so much, all it does is set me up for major disappointment. From this point on, I'm going to try my best but get rid of all expectations. It's crucial that I continue.
I decided to let that guy go. I don't want to feel like I have to rush to meet some deadline just for him. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but what other choice do I have. I already lied, now I must move on. I've been thinking about him and that situation a lot but I think the more I hang out with friends and enjoy myself the easier it will be for me to move on.
I was just so hoping to get into the 150s this week. I guess I shouldn't expect so much, all it does is set me up for major disappointment. From this point on, I'm going to try my best but get rid of all expectations. It's crucial that I continue.
I decided to let that guy go. I don't want to feel like I have to rush to meet some deadline just for him. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but what other choice do I have. I already lied, now I must move on. I've been thinking about him and that situation a lot but I think the more I hang out with friends and enjoy myself the easier it will be for me to move on.
Friday, September 03, 2004
Pressure.
Earlier this year, I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for about 3 years. He wasn't really my type, and the relationship should have ended a long time ago. Anyway, my plan was to just avoid dating until I took care of some things (i.e., my weight, etc.) just so I could get to where I had to go and not be distracted.
Anyway, I was on AIM the other day when a pop up came on about the top ten cities for singles. I was curious and it led me to a site called love.com. I browsed the site and saw the most adorable guy! I couldn't help but IM him. We talked and we got along fine. But here is the thing, I showed him my online photo album which had pictures of me at a weight of 145. He really liked them, thought I was cute and everything. Over the next few days, we talked more and more. Then, he asked for my number and I gave him it (stupid me). I'm so intrigued by this guy for some reason, but the problem is, I am living a lie. I have to lose 20 more pounds to get down to the size I was in those pictures. It's so stressful. Maybe it'll keep me on track, maybe it won't. I think maybe I'll try to jog every day for like a week or two and maybe I can quickly get the weight off that way. It sucks because this guy really seems to be my type, but theres no way I can meet him like this!!
On a side note... I may just avoid AIM and him completely. He is a Gemini, and I am a Scorpio. By all indications, that is a match made in hell.
Anyway, I was on AIM the other day when a pop up came on about the top ten cities for singles. I was curious and it led me to a site called love.com. I browsed the site and saw the most adorable guy! I couldn't help but IM him. We talked and we got along fine. But here is the thing, I showed him my online photo album which had pictures of me at a weight of 145. He really liked them, thought I was cute and everything. Over the next few days, we talked more and more. Then, he asked for my number and I gave him it (stupid me). I'm so intrigued by this guy for some reason, but the problem is, I am living a lie. I have to lose 20 more pounds to get down to the size I was in those pictures. It's so stressful. Maybe it'll keep me on track, maybe it won't. I think maybe I'll try to jog every day for like a week or two and maybe I can quickly get the weight off that way. It sucks because this guy really seems to be my type, but theres no way I can meet him like this!!
On a side note... I may just avoid AIM and him completely. He is a Gemini, and I am a Scorpio. By all indications, that is a match made in hell.
Monday, August 30, 2004
48 lbs gone in 70 days...
Sometimes I get frustrated because I want the weight to disappear, like, yesterday. But I am so grateful to have found a program that I have been able to stay on for this long. I'm at 162 now, and I am so happy with each lost pound that takes me further away from my horrifying highest weight.
This year will prove to be one of my most successful years (in all aspects of my life) EVER! A little elaboration... I am 24 years old, right? Well, for years I had a phobia of driving. That fear crippled my ability to be independent. Well, within the past couple months I've learned to drive! Everytime I'm on the road, driving down the interstate, I'm just floored about how far I've come. I ask myself, why didn't I do this before?? What took me so long?? Well, everything in life has it's proper time. I truly feel as if it's a miracle everytime I'm on the road.
This year is also the year that I finally stopped playing around and graduated from college. I've flip flopped about, changing my major 3 times. Now I'm considering graduate school. I also got a great little research job I'm doing, for a pretty nice salary.
Finally, this is the year that will mark my true transition into womanhood-- I'm turning 25. I face it with dread, but with the determination to get my life together as much as possible before then. I think that the age thing is what has driven me to finally get certain things done. I really don't want to carry that baggage into 2005 or the age of 25.
In short, I've been blessed so much. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it. Sometimes I'm not as grateful as I should be (i.e., don't appreciate my job, or the fact that I live a very comfortable life).
This plan is slowly opening my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really am.
This year will prove to be one of my most successful years (in all aspects of my life) EVER! A little elaboration... I am 24 years old, right? Well, for years I had a phobia of driving. That fear crippled my ability to be independent. Well, within the past couple months I've learned to drive! Everytime I'm on the road, driving down the interstate, I'm just floored about how far I've come. I ask myself, why didn't I do this before?? What took me so long?? Well, everything in life has it's proper time. I truly feel as if it's a miracle everytime I'm on the road.
This year is also the year that I finally stopped playing around and graduated from college. I've flip flopped about, changing my major 3 times. Now I'm considering graduate school. I also got a great little research job I'm doing, for a pretty nice salary.
Finally, this is the year that will mark my true transition into womanhood-- I'm turning 25. I face it with dread, but with the determination to get my life together as much as possible before then. I think that the age thing is what has driven me to finally get certain things done. I really don't want to carry that baggage into 2005 or the age of 25.
In short, I've been blessed so much. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve it. Sometimes I'm not as grateful as I should be (i.e., don't appreciate my job, or the fact that I live a very comfortable life).
This plan is slowly opening my eyes to the reality of how blessed I really am.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
163 POUNDS! 47 POUNDS GONE!
I woke up this morning, hoping to see somewhat of a loss, and to my surprise and delight, the scale read 2 lbs less than yesterday. I am thrilled. I want to run but I'm up much later than usual. Also, I kind of stretched out my hip on the left side. So maybe some light walking.
So far I've lost 5 lbs this week. I was so worried about the slow lost last week but it definitely has picked up. I'm glad I stayed true to the program. EVERY DAY this week I have been tempted and torn beyond belief. Thank you God for helping me through this.
So far I've lost 5 lbs this week. I was so worried about the slow lost last week but it definitely has picked up. I'm glad I stayed true to the program. EVERY DAY this week I have been tempted and torn beyond belief. Thank you God for helping me through this.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Weight Loss Stats
06/21/2004 - 210
07/11/2004 - 186
07/13/2004 - 184
07/17/2004 - 184.5
07/18/2004 - 184.5
07/19/2004 - 183
07/23/2004 - 180
07/24/2004 - 181
07/25/2004 - 179.5
07/26/2004 - 180.5
07/28/2004 - 178
07/29/2004 - 178.5
07/30/2004 - 178
08/01/2004 - 177
08/02/2004 - 176
08/03/2004 - 175.5
08/04/2004 - 175
08/05/2004 - 174.5
08/06/2004 - 174
08/07/2004 - 174
08/08/2004 - 172.5
08/09/2004 - 173
08/10/2004 - 172
08/11/2004 - 170.5
08/12/2004 - 170.5
08/13/2004 - 170.5
08/15/2004 - 171
08/16/2004 - 168.5
08/21/2004 - 167.5
08/22/2004 - 168.5 --WTF???
08/23/2004 - 168 -- I'll take it!
08/24/2004 - 167 -- Now we're talking
08/25/2004 - 167 -- Annoyed
08/26/2004 - 166 -- Relief
08/27/2004 - 165 -- Encouraged and motivated
08/28/2004 - 163 -- Thrilled! 4 more and I'll be below 160!
08/30/2004 - 162
09/07/2004 - 159.5
09/10/2004 - 160
09/12/2004 - 161.5
09/13/2004 - 158.5
09/14/2004 - 159.5
09/20/2004 - 159
07/11/2004 - 186
07/13/2004 - 184
07/17/2004 - 184.5
07/18/2004 - 184.5
07/19/2004 - 183
07/23/2004 - 180
07/24/2004 - 181
07/25/2004 - 179.5
07/26/2004 - 180.5
07/28/2004 - 178
07/29/2004 - 178.5
07/30/2004 - 178
08/01/2004 - 177
08/02/2004 - 176
08/03/2004 - 175.5
08/04/2004 - 175
08/05/2004 - 174.5
08/06/2004 - 174
08/07/2004 - 174
08/08/2004 - 172.5
08/09/2004 - 173
08/10/2004 - 172
08/11/2004 - 170.5
08/12/2004 - 170.5
08/13/2004 - 170.5
08/15/2004 - 171
08/16/2004 - 168.5
08/21/2004 - 167.5
08/22/2004 - 168.5 --WTF???
08/23/2004 - 168 -- I'll take it!
08/24/2004 - 167 -- Now we're talking
08/25/2004 - 167 -- Annoyed
08/26/2004 - 166 -- Relief
08/27/2004 - 165 -- Encouraged and motivated
08/28/2004 - 163 -- Thrilled! 4 more and I'll be below 160!
08/30/2004 - 162
09/07/2004 - 159.5
09/10/2004 - 160
09/12/2004 - 161.5
09/13/2004 - 158.5
09/14/2004 - 159.5
09/20/2004 - 159
Half way there!!
Today I weighed in at 165. I've lost exactly 45 pounds, and I need to lose another 45 pounds to get to my goal weight. I'm very encouraged. I've been doing very light running in the morning for the past few days. When I say light, I mean, 20 minutes of running/walking (less than 10 minutes of actually running). As long as I see a loss on the scale I will do it. If I don't see a loss on the scale then I don't do it. Makes sense right? Not!
Thursday, August 26, 2004
On A Side Note...
I was thinking about it today...
After reading some of my prior entries, I realized that some of my rants reek of... well... pure ungratefulness.
I am SO VERY GRATEFUL to have lost 44 pounds!!! A little over 2 months ago, I was faced with the horrifying task of having to lose 90 pounds! The weight of it all blew my mind-- it was mind boggling and overwhelming. Now I have lost virtually half of that, and only have 20 or so to go to become extremely comfortable in my size.
My ultimate goal of 120 pounds will just be icing on the cake. I believe that weight will be me at my very best. A weight of 145-140 is not bad on me but it's not me at my best.
I need to remember to show gratitude because my blessings can easily be taken away.
Gee... writing here is so therapeutic...
After reading some of my prior entries, I realized that some of my rants reek of... well... pure ungratefulness.
I am SO VERY GRATEFUL to have lost 44 pounds!!! A little over 2 months ago, I was faced with the horrifying task of having to lose 90 pounds! The weight of it all blew my mind-- it was mind boggling and overwhelming. Now I have lost virtually half of that, and only have 20 or so to go to become extremely comfortable in my size.
My ultimate goal of 120 pounds will just be icing on the cake. I believe that weight will be me at my very best. A weight of 145-140 is not bad on me but it's not me at my best.
I need to remember to show gratitude because my blessings can easily be taken away.
Gee... writing here is so therapeutic...
What's *Really* Wrong?
I'm not going to lie, these past few days have been very hard!
The temptation is unreal. Let me explain, my roommates always get a huge bag of frozen cooked Buffalo Wings from Sams and keep them in the freezer. But nobody eats them, and the wings haunt me just about every night. It's difficult, but for now my plan is to go walking/running once I get to the edge.
I've never had this much of a problem resisting. I think what needs to happen is that I need to make a firm decision, one way or another, of what exactly I plan to do. Am I going to go 100% or not? If I'm going to go 100%, then this foolishness with the chicken needs to stop!
So... that's it. I must make a decision....
And my decision is----- NOT TODAY! Is that firm enough? Not really when it comes to tomorrow, but for today it is. This chicken will always be around. In fact, once I reach my goal weight, I'll be eating much more chicken than I'll care to since I'll be low carbing and all. The chicken is not going anywhere... Those wings will still be around, even when I'm long gone. I need to move on and stop with this crap. I have so much work to do. Don't have time for this.
The temptation is unreal. Let me explain, my roommates always get a huge bag of frozen cooked Buffalo Wings from Sams and keep them in the freezer. But nobody eats them, and the wings haunt me just about every night. It's difficult, but for now my plan is to go walking/running once I get to the edge.
I've never had this much of a problem resisting. I think what needs to happen is that I need to make a firm decision, one way or another, of what exactly I plan to do. Am I going to go 100% or not? If I'm going to go 100%, then this foolishness with the chicken needs to stop!
So... that's it. I must make a decision....
And my decision is----- NOT TODAY! Is that firm enough? Not really when it comes to tomorrow, but for today it is. This chicken will always be around. In fact, once I reach my goal weight, I'll be eating much more chicken than I'll care to since I'll be low carbing and all. The chicken is not going anywhere... Those wings will still be around, even when I'm long gone. I need to move on and stop with this crap. I have so much work to do. Don't have time for this.
OK... OK... so I took a few peeks
Remember my pledge not to weigh in until the 12 week mark?
Well, I've dishonored that pledge several times. I've weighed in every day since. I'm now at 166.
Well, I've dishonored that pledge several times. I've weighed in every day since. I'm now at 166.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Struggling
Tonight I was really close to just making some buffalo wings--telling myself that I would be doing some sort of modified plan. In the last moments before heading downstairs to make the chicken, I uttered a desperate, half hearted prayer, then decided to go walking/running instead.
Now I'm somewhat back on track. I know once I start nibbling on food in my home that I will be on a slippery slope that I may not be able to get off of. I still have such a long way to go (47 pounds). At least its not 90 anymore :-)
Today I was wondering whether all of this fasting stuff is even necessary. I've heard that some people actually lose more weight when they include food. For some odd reason though, I always put on a pound.I wonder if I went really low carb if I could lose more weight that way??
I need to pick up momentum! I still have a ways to go. Should I keep on Medifast and assume the weight will come off? Or should I jump ship now?
Now I'm somewhat back on track. I know once I start nibbling on food in my home that I will be on a slippery slope that I may not be able to get off of. I still have such a long way to go (47 pounds). At least its not 90 anymore :-)
Today I was wondering whether all of this fasting stuff is even necessary. I've heard that some people actually lose more weight when they include food. For some odd reason though, I always put on a pound.I wonder if I went really low carb if I could lose more weight that way??
I need to pick up momentum! I still have a ways to go. Should I keep on Medifast and assume the weight will come off? Or should I jump ship now?
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Killing Time
Every now and then I forget about this ridiculous plan I'm on, and I start to focus on other things...
But oh... when I do remember what I'm doing... I get a feeling like I'm just killing time until I reach my goal. I read all the messages and posts from other fasters-- hoping to achieve the same results that so many others have.
I couldn't resist today.. I ended up weighing in today despite my prayers and my promise that I would not. Weighed in at 167. I need some distractions...
But oh... when I do remember what I'm doing... I get a feeling like I'm just killing time until I reach my goal. I read all the messages and posts from other fasters-- hoping to achieve the same results that so many others have.
I couldn't resist today.. I ended up weighing in today despite my prayers and my promise that I would not. Weighed in at 167. I need some distractions...
Humbling
Well, as I said yesterday, I had a mere half a pound loss during my 9th week on the program. It was very humbling, but the one good thing that came from it was that it caused me to put things in perspective.
I will not weigh in again until 9/14/04, which will mark the end of 12 weeks. I've just come to realize that NOTHING the scale could say today or tomorrow or the next day will be good enough. Whether it says 167.5 (which I already weighed on Saturday, or 167, which I feel I should have been at by Sunday).
Now if the scale still says 168 on 9/14, then me and Medifast will have some major problems.
I will not weigh in again until 9/14/04, which will mark the end of 12 weeks. I've just come to realize that NOTHING the scale could say today or tomorrow or the next day will be good enough. Whether it says 167.5 (which I already weighed on Saturday, or 167, which I feel I should have been at by Sunday).
Now if the scale still says 168 on 9/14, then me and Medifast will have some major problems.
Monday, August 23, 2004
9 weeks total
As I said last night, today is my final weigh in.
I was hoping to get a little boost, but that did not happen. I weighed in today at 168, making my total net weight loss for the week 0.5 lbs. I'm wondering if the Listerine strips might have caused this stall? I'm going to stop using them. Of course, I won't know whether me stopping is effective or not until my next weigh in which might be either next Monday or at the 12 week mark.
I was hoping to get a little boost, but that did not happen. I weighed in today at 168, making my total net weight loss for the week 0.5 lbs. I'm wondering if the Listerine strips might have caused this stall? I'm going to stop using them. Of course, I won't know whether me stopping is effective or not until my next weigh in which might be either next Monday or at the 12 week mark.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Actually...
I'm going to weigh in just one last time tomorrow morning because tomorrow marks the end of 9 weeks. But from then on... NO MORE!!!
Gotta Get Back to the Basics
Tonight I decided to go out, all by myself! Went to see that Exorcist movie... Pretty corny and left a bad taste in my mouth, similar to the way "Open Water" did yesterday.
Anyway, I decided to get "back to the basics." Somewhere down the line, I lost focus. This Medifast program is supposed to be a spiritual journey; a journey where I look inward and grow my relationship with God. It's not about me bitterly weighing in everyday, hoping to see another lost pound.
I'm going to pray really hard for the strength to leave the scale alone. This is pure physics folks. There is no way that one can be on a 450 calorie/day diet and not eventually shrink down to one's ideal size (and smaller). Give me a break! I need to give myself a break!
No more weighing in. I find that I've grown a little but not that much. It's time for me to do some deep thinking and figure out what it is I want from life. Everything will not be magically perfect when I finally reach my goal weight. I have to work on becoming the best person I can be... The Medifast can take care of my outside appearance, but a lot of work still needs to be done on the inside. I have a LOT of issues!
Anyway, I decided to get "back to the basics." Somewhere down the line, I lost focus. This Medifast program is supposed to be a spiritual journey; a journey where I look inward and grow my relationship with God. It's not about me bitterly weighing in everyday, hoping to see another lost pound.
I'm going to pray really hard for the strength to leave the scale alone. This is pure physics folks. There is no way that one can be on a 450 calorie/day diet and not eventually shrink down to one's ideal size (and smaller). Give me a break! I need to give myself a break!
No more weighing in. I find that I've grown a little but not that much. It's time for me to do some deep thinking and figure out what it is I want from life. Everything will not be magically perfect when I finally reach my goal weight. I have to work on becoming the best person I can be... The Medifast can take care of my outside appearance, but a lot of work still needs to be done on the inside. I have a LOT of issues!
EXTREMELY frustrated
This is torture... I weighed in today... at 168.5!!! What the hell is going on? I can't live like this. Total weight loss this week so far? ZERO!!!
I did everything right yesterday!! Actually, my only crime was my failure to drink the full gallon of water. I tried but I just wasn't that thirsty. What should I do? Run again???
This is too much. I'm trying my best to do this program and I feel as though I'm wasting time. Hell, I could have eaten yesterday if I knew I'd gain a pound anyway!!
So angry and frustrated this morning...
I did everything right yesterday!! Actually, my only crime was my failure to drink the full gallon of water. I tried but I just wasn't that thirsty. What should I do? Run again???
This is too much. I'm trying my best to do this program and I feel as though I'm wasting time. Hell, I could have eaten yesterday if I knew I'd gain a pound anyway!!
So angry and frustrated this morning...
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