so blessed...

The other day I had an interesting conversation with a friend. She parallels prayer to self hypnosis. Well, regardless, I truly must testify that prayer really works. A little over a month ago I was literally in hell, but now for the first time in months I see a way out. I feel so blessed and so grateful to God for these blessings. Medifast was not even a thought on my radar screen until after I prayed for help. I'm going to turn all my major life decisions over to God--everything from dating, to financial help, to just about anything that affects me.

entertaining....

This past week has been slightly stressful in that a dear friend of mine was in town and of course, she wanted to go out to eat. I did keep it low carb, still, its stressful to see the added pound the next day. No matter how moderate I keep the meal, I am always a pound heavier by the next morning. Weighed in today at 180.5. I know it'll be gone by tomorrow but it still feels like I'm going backwards. Maybe I should try harder to resist food next time...

179.5

I never thought I'd be this happy to be in the 170s. 170 is traditionally associated with the word "nightmare" for me. But not this time, as I'm down 30.5 pounds from the unbelievable weight of 210! I'm so happy!

30 pounds GONE!

I'm just over 30 days into the program (thank goodness I'm losing count) and I'm now at 180 pounds! I've NEVER lost weight anywhere near this fast before (although, again, I've never been anywhere near this big before). I have really changed! I've moved on from my slip up (something I've NEVER been able to do in the past, especially under these circumstances). All I have to say is that faith and spirituality is a strong part of my program. My daily readings and meditations keep me focused and grounded. I know in my heart that this time I have no choice but to continue in the program---otherwise, accept a life as a fat girl---something I cannot do.  What does one do when he/she is completely and utterly ashamed of his/her own body? Prayer really does work... It seems as though I'm renewed. I'm not struggling like I was before. I think for a while near the end of the first month I had slipped out of ketosis even though I was doing everything right. I'm definately back in it though, if my dry mouth is any indication. Well, happy shaking!

My approach worked!

There was a point yesterday where I was resigned to failure---I was about to eat again! But I looked in the fridge, and sure enough, my shakes were already made and ready to drink so I was saved. Had it not been for the already made shakes, I would have been eating all day yesterday.
 
Today I rewarded on the scale. I'm down to 183 now. 27 pounds lost in 29 days! I guess I won't meet the 30 pound goal for the month, but that's OK. Progress--not perfection--is what counts.
 
These next few days will really be hard, I can tell. I'm already feeling down on myself; and that time of the month is coming... Stay tuned...

A Slip Up, and how to avoid it in the future

Yesterday, I really did slip up--and I feel very ashamed. I feel like scum, like dirt, like a very weak person. I've read stories of people who've stayed on the full fast from 4 months, to almost a year--yet I broke at day 27!! BUT... I have such a long way to go that I cannot afford to give up like I have in the past after making mistakes... I must move forward...
 
Yesterday was full of signs of my impending slip up... I didn't make my shakes... I doubled up on the soups (as flavorless as they are)... and I thought about going modified...
 
Ahhh, the medifast soups... They are horrible but yet after eating them I lost control. I guess cause I was longing for so much more than what I got. The one thing that I'm proud of is that I insisted on getting food that would do the least damage. I settled in on half a personal pan pizza and 8 or so baked wings. It was not even that good... Total damage done? I weighed in today at 184.5. I haven't been weighing daily, but I do know that my period is scheduled to start today and I weighted 183.5 yesterday. So, basically I got away easy this time.
 
What troubles me is what I read in my Daily Overeater Meditation guide--I wish to God that was the page I had been given yesterday. It said, breaking abstinence is like jumping off a skyscraper and expecting to only go down to the next floor--after a cheat, I may manage to get my eating under control for a day or a few weeks, but nothing will change the downward spiral. Now that is depressing! It's basically saying that I'm destined to fail now. Intellectually, I know the meal I had yesterday was not that far off from the modified plan. Its just that I vowed to myself that I would stay on. I got carried away.
 
How to avoid this in the future...
 
Well, yesterday I was so excited about going furniture shopping that I through all caution to the wind. Its easy to maintain control in the house with all my shakes at my disposal. When I go out in public though--making and packing the shakes is A MUST. Carrying the packets around is NOT enough and will not save me from disaster. If I had simply tried to pack my shakes to take along with me, something in me might have stopped me from eating. I've made it through situations TEN TIMES WORSE before--shame on me. The true shame, however, would be if I couldn't pick myself back up from this minor incident. The next week or so will be extremely hard work as I try to redeem myself...
 
Plan?
Drink 120 oz of water a day, 5 shakes a day, no soups, no exceptions!!

Musings from yesterday...

I don't know what happened to my motivation. Was it my decision to weigh in that has me fighting to hold on these days? What is wrong? I feel miserable. Everyday at home I have to smell the foods that I abused so carelessly in the past. I feel weak. All I can do is retreat to my room, bitterly waiting for the Medifast Soup to arrive. I've had nothing but shakes for 24 days. At first I was reluctant to use the other supplements but now I can't wait. I know of many people who also have found success mixing modified with the full fast, but I know in my heart that I cannot combine the two if I am serious about losing weight. I'm feeling miserable. Waiting for my period to arrive and hurry up and get the hell out my way. All I can do is look forward to the day when the scale reads 120. This is really a test of my faith and endurance, but I guess that's a good thing. How would I grow in character if this process were completely easy? One of the things that I wanted was a spiritual journey. Well guess what? No better way to get spiritual and grow my relationship with God than to pray during my weakest moments.

As a food addict, I've admitted that I am powerless over food. Now that I write this, I remember my desperation and hopelessness of just a few weeks ago. Before learning that I could do Medifast, I literally felt trapped and like I could never get back on track again. For the first time, I felt hope and faith--faith that I tarnished with my insistence on weighing. Maybe I'll leave the scale alone completely from now on.

But at the same time, I also feel like I should be charting my progress for future reference. Maybe just pray and have faith and forget the scale... Something that maybe will become clearer as I pray and meditate. These are the days when I REALLY REALLY need prayer and meditation. Before I didn't need it. Now my daily meditation guides are a Godsend.

I'm glad I wrote this.

It puts things in perspective. Who said a fast was supposed to be a piece of cake?

Right now I'm fighting the battle of my life---the same battle that I have lost many times over starting as far back as 15.

At 15, I suddenly went from 115 or so to 125, and then to 130, and then to 135. I remember the alarm people expressed. I was in complete denial. Still, I never really attempted to do anything about it. Well, at that time I had no idea about diets like Atkins, etc. I thought the only way to lose weight was to not eat, and sadly there were one or two occassions when I completely stopped eating for the day.

When I went off to college (at 17), my weight was around 130 to 140. I remember I literally stored dozens of Coca Cola bottles in my dorm room. Its amazing to me that I didn't blow up. Instead, the opposite happened. I was in ROTC, and eventually I had to start exercising and getting in shape. Though I didn't notice it at the time, I was shrinking. At that time, I knew I was kind of overweight, but I wasn't actively trying to do something about it. By the time Christmas Vacation came around, my parents and friends back home were astounded to see the new me. I was around 120 pounds. Everyone said I looked great! I didn't even realize I had become so small.

That break was a turning point; however. My dad bought several sheet cakes home to celebrate my success. I quickly settled back into my old ways. I ate ate and ate. I LOVE sheet cake! In two weeks, I was back up to 140.

That was the beginning of my weight roller coaster. My first official attempt at eating healthy, as misguided as it was, I believe took place around the age of 18. I ate low fat everything, sometimes restricting myself to one meal a day. I worked out faithfully for a good few weeks, and I took diet pills. The results were immediate. At that time, I had blown up to 160 pounds. In a few weeks, I was down 10 pounds, settling around 145 to 150 pounds.

Still, the drama taking place in my life (by this time, I had already transferred to another university) had a serious effect on my weight. I found my way back up to 160, and ended up leaving ROTC in semi-disgrace.

Again, I came home and lost the weight. Got down to around 150 by the time I transferred to my third university, and then after living in the dorms, I was back to around 140.

Looking back, I see now that my weight was usually under control when I was away from my family and their constant talk of weight. I remember seeing my sister and friends for a party in '99, and after everyone told me how great I looked, I started to lose control with my eating. I was perfectly fine, and actually getting smaller, until they insisted on pointing out how my physical appearance was.

Maybe I felt unloved. Maybe I felt that people were judging me over my physical appearance...


I eventually gained the weight again... Actually I hovered around 155 until I had the not so brilliant idea to start Atkins, the diet I had heard so much about.

Now THAT was the beginning of my yo yo, compulsive style eating phase. To make a long story short, I yo yoed my way to 175 to 180. As bad as it was, I got through it, settling back at 140. But not for long, I yo yo'd back and forth, vowing not to ever reach 175 again.

Then, I stopped the diligence. I let my guard down and the pounds crept on. This is how I found my way to the forbidden 200s.

When I first got on the scale at 200, I cried the entire day. I felt like shit. Then something in me became numb, and I actually proceeded to put on more weight! I tried a couple of times, half heartedly, to get it under control. But I just couldn't. I knew my battle with food had reached an all time low. To get to 140, I'd have to lose 60 to 70 pounds. It all seemed so impossible. But 140 was not even my goal! My goal is 120---making it necessary for me to lose almost 100 POUNDS!!!

This is why I cannot quit now. Its day 24 for me now, and as of yesterday I have lost 26 pounds. I have 64 more pounds to go to get to my goal, and I will do it--one day at a time. I'm so grateful to be on Medifast right now. I will fight to maintain my abstinence from harmful foods.

Day 23--You know what they say about "you didn't gain the weight overnight...?"

So you won't lose it overnight?

Well, that may be the case for some, but I pretty much did gain my weight overnight. So I pretty much expect to lose the weight overnight. The weight gain was so fast that it left me clueless about my true state of obesity for many months. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I learned my true standing.

Anyway, its Day 23 for me now. I believe this is officially the longest I've ever been on a diet. As of this morning, I am down 26 pounds! I gave up on the whole notion of not weighing for four months. Once you begin weighing, it is almost addictive! Each time I weigh, I'm fearful of there having been some sort of mistake with my weight the previous day. Anyway, gotta run!

Day 12, no sweating here!

Gosh, I'm on Day 12. I'm not sure if it's just my resolve or what but I'm going through this plan almost effortlessly. I have several routines now. My hair is looking great--getting it done every week and that has proven to be a really great idea. Liquid diets are not that bad--and this is coming from a food addict! The catch is, if you do a modified liquid diet (meaning some food allowed) then it will be A LOT harder. With me, there is a clear boundary, so I have nothing to feel guilty about which could in turn lead me to eat.