I am a food addict to the core.
Today is Day 4 and I feel great. I think that this plan will be really successful because on it, I don't have to make decisions regarding food. The answer is simply no. There is no room to push the envelope--either I'm drinking a shake or I'm cheating. On other plans I'd always try to see what I could get away with. As a result, I'd always end up feeling guilty, then eventually falling off the plan completely.
I am a food addict who cannot forgive herself for mistakes.
I'm proud of who I am, but I want to change. Put that behind me.
10 reasons why i need to lose weight:
1) my self esteem
2) my confidence in myself
3) my strong desire to look good
4) none of my clothes fit!
5) make me more comfortable in my personal relationships
6) make me less reluctant to go into social situations
7) health reasons
8) to inspire others
9) to change the way others perceive me
10) because I am beautiful underneath all this fat!!
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Monday, June 21, 2004
Day One!
Weighed in at a whopping 218 at 7am.
Then went down there fully dressed and weighed inat 210. I don't know if the scale works but everyone says it does. I was told to just accept the fact that I'm fat now and work to change it.
Hence, I'm almost done with my first day of full fasting.
I thought it would be a breeze, but I already miss food. I hung out with a friend today who reminds me of the "good old days" of eating nonstop. Then again... those days were not so good... Look where it got me!
I don't know how I will make it through the whole 5 months but like everyone is telling me--one day at a time. I'll try to focus on getting through each day individually. Also, in the beginning of the day it was easier for me to drink this water but now its nearly 9pm and I still have more water to drink. Hopefully I'll be done within the next 30 minutes. I was a little worried because I felt slightly nauseous after my second shake. The vanilla shake tastes good at first but then somewhere down the line it loses me.
Then went down there fully dressed and weighed inat 210. I don't know if the scale works but everyone says it does. I was told to just accept the fact that I'm fat now and work to change it.
Hence, I'm almost done with my first day of full fasting.
I thought it would be a breeze, but I already miss food. I hung out with a friend today who reminds me of the "good old days" of eating nonstop. Then again... those days were not so good... Look where it got me!
I don't know how I will make it through the whole 5 months but like everyone is telling me--one day at a time. I'll try to focus on getting through each day individually. Also, in the beginning of the day it was easier for me to drink this water but now its nearly 9pm and I still have more water to drink. Hopefully I'll be done within the next 30 minutes. I was a little worried because I felt slightly nauseous after my second shake. The vanilla shake tastes good at first but then somewhere down the line it loses me.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
One day until take off...
The more memorable events of yesterday included me having no shame in purchasing a bunch of junk food from the gas station. The attendant asked, "Is all of this yours?" I shamefully said yes. In my fog, I couldn't even hear the total right and handed him over seven dollars instead of the $3.55 I owed him.
But that wasn't all that happened yesterday. Yesterday, I went with my mom to get my nails done. Waited over 2 hours just for them to get started. NEVER AGAIN!!! But, sitting in the salon for so many hours gave me some ideas for things to distract me from what I'm about to do. I found the business card of a hair stylist who is offering a monthly hair management program: 3 shampoos/sets & one perm/touchup/ one deep condition treatment for $135 a month. Not bad at all. So every week, I'll get my hair done to keep myself looking good. I have a short haircut now so this works out great. Every two weeks I will get my nails done (at somewhere other than where I went yesterday).
Also, I heard of a soap called Black Soap that helps eliminate stretch marks. My rapid weight gain caused several groups of stretch marks to emerge. I will use that soap every day and by the time I reach my goal weight, hopefully they'll be gone. Also, I will thoroughly rub myself down with Cocoa Butter after my shower each day.
Finally, my sister is on Jenny Craig--she's lost a lot of weight and she compliments her weight loss every month with Body Wraps. A Body Wrap is a service in which you are totally wrapped up from head to toe and at the end of the process, you are expected to lose 10 to 20 inches.
I think all of those activities are enough to keep me distracted and feeling good on my journey to slimdom.
Why do I want to lose weight?
Well, I came up with 10 reasons that I'll post later. I need to print out those reasons and also a before picture to carry around with me.
But that wasn't all that happened yesterday. Yesterday, I went with my mom to get my nails done. Waited over 2 hours just for them to get started. NEVER AGAIN!!! But, sitting in the salon for so many hours gave me some ideas for things to distract me from what I'm about to do. I found the business card of a hair stylist who is offering a monthly hair management program: 3 shampoos/sets & one perm/touchup/ one deep condition treatment for $135 a month. Not bad at all. So every week, I'll get my hair done to keep myself looking good. I have a short haircut now so this works out great. Every two weeks I will get my nails done (at somewhere other than where I went yesterday).
Also, I heard of a soap called Black Soap that helps eliminate stretch marks. My rapid weight gain caused several groups of stretch marks to emerge. I will use that soap every day and by the time I reach my goal weight, hopefully they'll be gone. Also, I will thoroughly rub myself down with Cocoa Butter after my shower each day.
Finally, my sister is on Jenny Craig--she's lost a lot of weight and she compliments her weight loss every month with Body Wraps. A Body Wrap is a service in which you are totally wrapped up from head to toe and at the end of the process, you are expected to lose 10 to 20 inches.
I think all of those activities are enough to keep me distracted and feeling good on my journey to slimdom.
Why do I want to lose weight?
Well, I came up with 10 reasons that I'll post later. I need to print out those reasons and also a before picture to carry around with me.
Thursday, June 17, 2004
The materials will arrive tomorrow
I wish I could have the confidence to say that I'm starting Saturday, no excuses. However, Father's Day is Sunday, and I cannot 100% say that it will be easy for me to brush off dinner at the Golden Corral or something. I'd better not take the risk. After Father's Day, there will be no more interruptions as I head towards my goal.
I've been doing a lot of thinking... and going back and forth a lot. Should I start exercising immediately? Should I exercise hard or soft? What time should I wake up? Etc etc. I'm just so worried about doing this perfectly. I've screwed up so much in the past but I feel in my heart that this time will be different. This program is the answer to a prayer I made one hopeless morning.
Anyway, I've decided to start the program on Monday, and to leave exercising out for now. I can't do 10 million things at the same time. That is what has screwed me up so much in the past. I try to be perfect, and when I can't maintain that perfection--I let go completely almost to the point of anti-perfection. Not this time. This time I'm taking things slowly.
I've been doing a lot of thinking... and going back and forth a lot. Should I start exercising immediately? Should I exercise hard or soft? What time should I wake up? Etc etc. I'm just so worried about doing this perfectly. I've screwed up so much in the past but I feel in my heart that this time will be different. This program is the answer to a prayer I made one hopeless morning.
Anyway, I've decided to start the program on Monday, and to leave exercising out for now. I can't do 10 million things at the same time. That is what has screwed me up so much in the past. I try to be perfect, and when I can't maintain that perfection--I let go completely almost to the point of anti-perfection. Not this time. This time I'm taking things slowly.
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
My Medifast... Miracle?
Clarification: From what I'm reading, Medifast is just like Optifast, without the doctor's fees. I'm still waiting for the products to arrive. :-)
Countdown to takeoff...
Early yesterday morning, I woke up, miserable... wondering how exactly I would get out of this fat-fiasco I've found myself in. You see, last year this time I was 40 pounds slimmer--and at that time I was 20 pounds heavier than I was at the beginning of the year. That equals a 60 pound weight gain in less than two years! On my way up to this point, I had tried several diets here and there but I'd always quit, and of course, the result was always an increase in my size.
Anyway, yesterday, I woke up feeling that same hopelessness. The feeling of--what am I going to do now?? I began reading Oprah's book, "Making The Connection," and I got to the part where she talked about how she went from 237 pounds to 142 pounds in FOUR MONTHS while using the Optifast diet program! She noted how the weight came back with a vengeance though--but I thought--why not me? I can handle it! If I lose the weight I won't f*ck up like Oprah did! This is my last stop. I NEED this! Failure is no longer an option. If I fail at this, I will be resigned to fatdom for all eternity.
The diet supplies will get here by Thursday or Friday. I will document every moment of this fasting experience. I will use it as a spiritual journey, a journey that will hopefully make me a better person inside and out. Stay tuned!
By the way, I will not be posting pictures until I know whether or not this diet works. I'm not ready for the world to see me fat like this. I will post my starting weight on the day when I start the diet.
Anyway, yesterday, I woke up feeling that same hopelessness. The feeling of--what am I going to do now?? I began reading Oprah's book, "Making The Connection," and I got to the part where she talked about how she went from 237 pounds to 142 pounds in FOUR MONTHS while using the Optifast diet program! She noted how the weight came back with a vengeance though--but I thought--why not me? I can handle it! If I lose the weight I won't f*ck up like Oprah did! This is my last stop. I NEED this! Failure is no longer an option. If I fail at this, I will be resigned to fatdom for all eternity.
The diet supplies will get here by Thursday or Friday. I will document every moment of this fasting experience. I will use it as a spiritual journey, a journey that will hopefully make me a better person inside and out. Stay tuned!
By the way, I will not be posting pictures until I know whether or not this diet works. I'm not ready for the world to see me fat like this. I will post my starting weight on the day when I start the diet.
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