Last night, I lost control. I knew trouble was coming up when I was out yesterday without having had dinner. I started out at Applebee's with a low calorie shrimp and rice meal, which was very disappointing. Then I had a cheesecake/ice cream combo, and from there, thought about food the rest of the night. I ate two and a half bakes, a reeses pack of four, barbeque chicken. Thank God I decided not to get a drink. I had like 2.5 diet cokes as well. I felt awful and like a failure. I'm so happy to say that today I'm continuing. I may have lost yesterday's battle, but I have not lost the war. For the first time in my life I will keep on going, no matter what. Each day is a new gift, a chance to start over.
Going out last night, despite my failures, reinforced my wish to return to a normal size. I cannot stay this size. I'm so uncomfortable and my self esteem is shot. Last night we went to Copeland's and I saw a lot of girls who looked a hot mess but had the body. I believe after losing this weight, I will have it all. The face, the body, and the intelligence. The career. Gosh, who can ask for more? What a great gift God has blessed me wtih. I must live up to my full capacity. Just think, when I lose this weight, I will have it all. In the mean time, its time for me to work on mending my personal relationships, etc. Maybe time to make new friends who are headed in my same direction.
By my 25th birthday, I hope to have everything together: My weight (being most important for my wellbeing and sanity), my driver's license, my dignity, and new personal relationships.
11:53am
Sometimes when I'm running I want to breakdown and cry. All the pain...all the discomfort... wondering if I'm wasting my time?!? It hurts so bad everytime I think about and realize where I'm at right now. Its almost impossible to comprehend and so very overwhelming.
The pain is getting better. I'm able to jog now and I'm doing a lot more stretching. I think my schedule of weight loss is very realistic. I know that I can lose 4 pounds this week. and four pounds the next. The key is to have more wins than losses.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Game Plan
I resisted several instances of temptation yesterday, and guess what? it feels GREAT!
It's time I restored pride and dignity back into my life. My only regret is that it is going to take an extremely long time for me to lose all this weight!
I'm 25 pounds bigger than I was at my highest weight so I'm in a whole new ballgame now. I'll keep telling myself during temptation that I can always eat the thing later, which I can, just like I've been doing for the past year. Checkers, etc. will not be leaving the planet anytime soon.
Right now my plan is to add walking in and hopefully be able to run in another week or so.
I'm so glad I made it through yesterday,the only mistake being my accidental omission of grapefruit from dinner.
about weighing in....
the diet recommends weighing in every day, but then again, I don't think Dr. Scarsdale ever met anyone in my situation. I'm an irrational food addict. I cannot run the risk of weighing in and finding that I did not lose anything. I'm just going to wait until June 12. Hopefully by then I can pick up where I left off in June 2001 :-)
10:27am
REMEMBER TO CHEW!!!
3 front plan:
*****Water - at least 69 oz per day
*****Exercise - 3 times a day
Morning - Mid-day, Evening
Exercising at work strategies??only if staying late perhaps
*****Diet - (14 weeks)
2 weeks scarsdale
2 weeks atkins-ish type plan
2 weeks meat only
2 weeks atkins
2 weeks scarsdale w/supplements
2 weeks atkins-ish w/supplements?
2 weeks meat only
Plan for drinking water
Need 4.5 to 5 bottles of water
one bottle during workout time/breakfast
one bottle an hour or so before and during lunch
It's time I restored pride and dignity back into my life. My only regret is that it is going to take an extremely long time for me to lose all this weight!
I'm 25 pounds bigger than I was at my highest weight so I'm in a whole new ballgame now. I'll keep telling myself during temptation that I can always eat the thing later, which I can, just like I've been doing for the past year. Checkers, etc. will not be leaving the planet anytime soon.
Right now my plan is to add walking in and hopefully be able to run in another week or so.
I'm so glad I made it through yesterday,the only mistake being my accidental omission of grapefruit from dinner.
about weighing in....
the diet recommends weighing in every day, but then again, I don't think Dr. Scarsdale ever met anyone in my situation. I'm an irrational food addict. I cannot run the risk of weighing in and finding that I did not lose anything. I'm just going to wait until June 12. Hopefully by then I can pick up where I left off in June 2001 :-)
10:27am
REMEMBER TO CHEW!!!
3 front plan:
*****Water - at least 69 oz per day
*****Exercise - 3 times a day
Morning - Mid-day, Evening
Exercising at work strategies??only if staying late perhaps
*****Diet - (14 weeks)
2 weeks scarsdale
2 weeks atkins-ish type plan
2 weeks meat only
2 weeks atkins
2 weeks scarsdale w/supplements
2 weeks atkins-ish w/supplements?
2 weeks meat only
Plan for drinking water
Need 4.5 to 5 bottles of water
one bottle during workout time/breakfast
one bottle an hour or so before and during lunch
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Broken
Last night I went out and I feel that I cannot continue like this. I'm too ashamed to even look at people these days. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I need to shift that discomfort to my eating because I cannot imagine going through my precious twenties like this. I simply cannot. I was going to all out deny myself but what I'll do is finish up my Scarsdale stuff and from there decide whether or not to continue or move on to a more drastic measure. Again, I cannot continue to gain weight. I feel so bad so brokenhearted. I have no idea what I will do when the urge comes next. It transcends all rhyme or reason and I do not even get the chance to think before shoving food down my throat. I don't want to be that person who gets no attention and is only looked upon with pity or as an easy prey.
Sadly, I find myself haven cut off several people from my life as well. ##, ##, ##, ## to name a few. My life is so lonely now. All I can do now is work to gain money and lose weight. Nothing else to do now. I pray with everything in me that God can help me resist the cravings. He's my only choice. Maybe when I get urges to eat junk I'll go cry somewhere, workout, or write in this diary. I have to do something. I cannot continue like this. Please, for the love of God you are over 200 pounds now!
Sadly, I find myself haven cut off several people from my life as well. ##, ##, ##, ## to name a few. My life is so lonely now. All I can do now is work to gain money and lose weight. Nothing else to do now. I pray with everything in me that God can help me resist the cravings. He's my only choice. Maybe when I get urges to eat junk I'll go cry somewhere, workout, or write in this diary. I have to do something. I cannot continue like this. Please, for the love of God you are over 200 pounds now!
Saturday, May 15, 2004
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