I remember the first night when I decided to eat real food, despite my attempt to be full fast. The next morning, in my Daily Food Meditation guide, it said something to the effect of, "Once you cheat, you have effectually jumped off the roof of a skyscraper building. You may not hit the ground immediately, but you are surely on a downward spiral." The book could not have been more right. Over time, my cheats increased and increased--bringing back to the point of being completely and hopelessly out of control. I've been able to hold it down up to the 160 pt every now and then, then I eat out of control again. Who knows what I weigh now. I'm too afraid to find out. Today, I've had 2 RTD Vanilla shakes so far. They are so disgusting, but I'm hoping that someway, somehow, I can get through the day without cheating.
I'm so weak, I don't even question any food put before me--I just eat first and think about it later. I've let myself down. Next week was supposed to mark 5 months on the program--if I had stayed on plan, I might have been at or very close to my goal weight. Instead, I'm still in the unacceptable 160s. Sometimes I want to sit down and cry. I've lost control of my actions, it seems. I can't get myself to do anything--not even to workout anymore. The bike hasn't been used since that first day.
If I could only hurry up and move back to my own place. The mortgage company still has me up in the air--I'm worried sick about it. But once I move, I can control everything that comes into my home. I'll have no choice but to stay on plan. No car, no roommates, and, yes, it seems, no more real friends. I'll be left alone and with nothing but the shakes (literally, cuz it'll be cold and I'm not going to keep the house that warm).
But as for today, I'm taking it one shake at a time. I need a power greater than myself to keep me on track today...
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
Monday, November 01, 2004
It feels so good to be back
It is / was a nightmare. Up until early September, I was very much in control of my destiny. But then I voluntarily placed myself on an emotional rollercoaster---all because of a man. Now I see why the 12 step programs warn us to refrain from romantic relationships, etc. during recovery. During the weeks I've been gone from the blog, I was eating out of control. I actually returned to the 170s! I felt like all hope was gone....
Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.
So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.
Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.
One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!
I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.
Yesterday I weighed in at 160.5 again. I decided that I won't weigh in today--I just need to focus on staying full fast. I lost 2 months time, but I still have the rest of the year (and if not then, the rest of my life) to get my act together. I'd like to reach my goal weight by the end of the year though.
So much has happened--one thing that has driven me to return to plan over the past week is the fact that I am now under contract for a new townhome! I'm so excited! I've been picking out furniture, colors, etc. My closing date is set for 12/30/2004. I wanted to stay in the city/downtown area, but the houses there are just too expensive!! So starting late December, early January, I will take residence in the suburbs. I'll be near my parents, which is good I suppose. I picture myself moving in looking thin and beautiful... I might even buy a cute little dog to take walks around the neighborhood with. The builder informed me that there were several young, single professionals living in the community.
Another milestone that took place was my 25th birthday this past Friday. It sickens me that I didn't want to go out and do anything.... Why? Because I was not at the weight that I wanted to be at and was struggling to stay on plan. I remained full fast the entire day but then lost it near the end and ended up eating pizza and wings.
One thing I have to remember is that these foods will be around---they will be around AFTER I lose my weight so that I may eat them in moderation. I don't have to binge the way I do. This is a daily fight for me. The hardest fight I've ever done---the most costly disease I've ever had. But I look around at my life and know that I can't continue like this. My self esteem is shot. I don't believe in myself--I'm afraid to date, go out, and open up myself. If I continue like this I will never find that special somebody. I will be a lonely shell for the rest of my life. It's now or never---I must lose the weight or die!
I'm hoping I'll be strong enough to stay on plan despite any upsets that I might experience after the election results are finalized. If my candidate loses, I honestly don't know how I will keep my sanity.
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