The thoughts begin early in the day

And they continue to torment me until I give in. So far I'm on track. I ran like I planned, and I ate a Medifast supplement for breakfast. But I'm already getting cravings for something--anything--from wings to Subway. I will try my best to pray. That's all I can do now... depend on a Higher Power.

I'm completely out of control. Left unchecked, I would find my way back up to 210 and higher. I'm like a crack addict... Struggling through detox. How much easier this might be if I was in a maximum security hospital where Medifast was my only option for food. How will I get past this? At the very least, I want to lose 10 or so pounds before my birthday. Can I at least focus long enough to do that??? One can only hope...

Don't know if I'll ever get it together

Another day off Medifast. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get it together. I say one thing, then do another. I'm lost. Planning to challenge myself up until my birthday by running every morning and staying full fast. My clothing size is around 10, and was getting smaller. I am slowly throwing it all away though. I'm scared and feel helpless. I'm not in control of my life.

The food downstairs

smells really good...

But I had to think long and hard before concluding that I really don't want to weigh in tomorrow at a higher weight than I am now. It's just not worth it to go on that emotional roller coaster again.

Back on track

Weighed in today at 156.5. What a pleasant surprise. I hope the 2 lbs a day trend continues. I'm so grateful to have made it this far. It's so hard getting back on after failing. Let's see how much I can lose between now and my birthday (which is 24 days away!).

back to 158.5

I've been extremely sore all weekend because I reorganized my room all by myself--didn't have the patience to wait for help. I also jogged on Saturday and Sunday. So when I woke up this morning, I noticed that my rings were tight on my fingers and I figured I gained weight. But the scale said 158.5, 2 lbs down. Today I decided to take it easy. My body needs to heal, seriously.

Cleaned my act up, although I had a close call today

Any food addict or person trying to lose weight knows the panicked and confused feeling you get when you're out with people and someone brings up the brilliant idea to go and get something to eat. Well, I might have been too weak to save myself, but luckily others were too busy to take part. So now I'm back home, in the safety of my room, and holding on, hour by hour. Today is my second day. I was off track the whole time since my last entry.

What happened was, yesterday, I was going to avoid weighing in, and I was going to just go ahead and eat "normally" (binge) for the weekend, and then start all over on Monday. But I became really curious about my weight, and braced myself for what I thought would be a number at or close to 170. To my shock and amazement, the scale read 161. That was all that was needed to get me back on track. The knowledge that all is really not lost. I truly felt fat, but my gain was only 4 lbs. I can lose that by the end of next week, I'm sure.

So here I am, September truly was a waste. But it was a learning experience. I am really behind now, but it's OK. At least I'll keep moving forward.